Fathers and Sons

Connecting at All Ages and Stages of Life

"Talk does not cook rice." – Chinese proverb

I love the directness of the Chinese proverb quoted above.  I do not want to be found guilty of just talking about the importance of connecting with my children and grandchildren.  I am going to be much more intentional about creating opportunities for connection.  If you are a father or grandfather I encourage you to take the steps necessary to create much more powerful and frequent connections with your posterity and want to share with you inspiration I have drawn from others who have earned “Masters Degrees” in connection.

There are two common denominators I have found among the fathers and grandfathers I have interviewed who have initiated a practice of meaningfully connecting with their child(ren).  First, each describes a degree of satisfaction from their connection efforts which I would describe as the “joy of fatherhood.”  Some of these fathers began their efforts to build connections when their children were young.  Others have come to the intention of deliberately connecting when their children or grandchildren have entered adulthood.  But the second common denominator among those who have earned Masters Degrees in connection with their children is the fact that they have made consistent efforts to connect and stay connected and they don’t let other demands interfere with their commitment to connection. 

What I have also discovered in these interviews is that there isn’t just one way to connect with your child or grandchild.  The pattern of connection can be simple or exotic.  But it always seems to be associated with spoken,   written or other tangible expressions of love. 

Here is an example from a father who began the practice of connecting for a special trip with his children shortly after they became teenagers.  I’ve taken the liberty of calling this first father I want to spotlight Tom.

Tom lost his father at a relatively early age.  When he became a father he determined he would give his children what he had not known as a teenager and that was a powerful connection with their Dad.  And, Tom determined he would find a way to continue to stay connected with his children throughout their adult lives.  Tom’s appreciation for just how precious these moments can be has been heightened by a medical crisis in his own life.  When you realize that this year’s trip might be the last opportunity for you to jointly create memories—for both you and your children—it makes the ritual of annually connecting with your child even more important.

Tom has three sons.  When his oldest son was about to make that transition from elementary school to middle school Tom asked him what one thing he would most enjoy doing if he could spend three days doing anything he wanted to do.  The answer was instantaneous: skiing.  So together they chose a place where his son would love to ski.  When Tom told me this story, he had just returned from what I believe was the 15th annual father/son ski trip with his oldest son.

What did Tom’s middle son choose to do for his father/son trip when he was old enough to begin this annual tradition with his dad.  He was an avid skier/snowboarder as well and that is what he wanted to do.  I asked Tom if he took both of his sons on an annual trip after that.  “No,” he replied.  He understood that while there is joy in being with both of his sons, when he had the two them together the energy and excitement they were experiencing as siblings on a shared adventure would make it difficult for him to connect meaningfully with either son. The purpose of the annual tradition he established is to create powerful one-on-one conversations with each son and not just provide them with a fun trip.

Tom and his wife were blessed with a third child, another son.  This son, however, had some physical challenges from birth that would make it difficult for him to ever ski.  Tom observed his third child was fascinated by baseball.

On the particular trip when I shared the seats in row 9 with Tom, the baseball season was just getting underway.  He excitedly told me about an upcoming trip to Pittsburgh where he and his youngest son would get to watch the Rockies play the Pirates.  They have now been to about 15 major league parks.  Some years in their three day trips they are able to catch more than one baseball stadium such as when they plan a trip to Chicago, New York, Los Angeles or San Francisco.  Their hope is to eventually scratch every major league baseball stadium off their father and son bucket list.

My new friend in seat 9B illustrated through his story how we can connect with our children at any age and throughout the stages of life.  When they have scratched off every baseball park, or if the Dad’s health should deteriorate and he can no longer take those ski trips with his older sons, there will be opportunities to find new ways to enjoy each other’s company and to continue to invest time and energy building relationships.  Perhaps they will create a bucket list, like Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman did in the movie that made that term memorable, and instead of annually visiting baseball parks or ski areas they will be scratching off places or events they both want to see and experience.

Do you and your children have a Father/Son or Father/Daughter bucket list?  What meaningful tradition can you establish with each of your children which will allow you to annually celebrate time together and renew the bond of parent and child?

I would like to close with a quote from baseball great Harmon Killebrew, who gallantly fought and then graciously tipped his hat to cancer recently:

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass"; "We're not raising grass," Dad would reply. "We're raising boys";”—Harmon Killebrew

Comments

[John "John A" Warnick]

John Simmering sent me the following story about another amazing Father/Son adventure. What is really exciting about this story (the fishermen are going to get really exciting reading about the fight to land this record Alaskan halibut)is that it involved a son in his 60s and a father in his late 80s who have had an annual tradition of enjoying an Alaskan fishing trip together. Here is the story as it was published in the Wichita (Kansas) Eagle:

466-pound halibut put up a fight
43 Comments
BY MICHAEL PEARCE
The Wichita Eagle

Last week Kent Carmichael caught the fish of a lifetime in Alaska with a little help from his dad. The halibut was nearly 8 feet long and estimated at 466 pounds. Carmichael, of Ulysses, is proud of his fish and that his father, Elmo Carmichael, was along.

"Not many 62-year-old guys can say they go fishing in Alaska every year with their dad," Kent Carmichael said.

Elmo Carmichael, 89, of Hays, made his first fishing trip to Alaska about 30 years ago and returned with a desire to share the experience with his two sons.

He started his sons fishing on the Saline River near Hays for small catfish.
The retired farmer, who still refers to his two sons who are in their 60s as "the youngest boy" and "the oldest boy," said the Alaskan trips are one of the highlights of his year.

His sons feel the same way.

"For several years we'd alternate which one of us went with him," said Craig Carmichael, Kent's 65-year-old brother from Kansas City. "About the last 15 years we've both gone."
From start to end, the trip would exhaust many anglers half Elmo Carmichael's age.
He made five flights in one day to access Highliner Lodge in Pelican, Alaska, a small commercial fishing town in the southeast part of the state.

Fishing on Alaskan seas also can be an adventure some days.

"We've had swells sometimes as much as 20 feet," said Elmo Carmichael, who got jostled around plenty navigating B-24s in unfriendly European skies during World War II. "It was like a riding a bucking horse."

This year's trip met with comparatively smooth seas and big fish that were hungry.
Arriving at the lodge, the Carmichaels learned a 370-pound halibut had been caught by a guest the previous week. It was the lodge's best-ever by many pounds.
Kent Carmichael said he had no illusions of besting such a world-class catch.
The three Carmichaels were up and on the water early the next four days, mostly fishing for salmon in the morning and halibut in the afternoon.

After catching a lot of king and silver salmon on the third morning, June 28, the boat's captain decided to make the hour-long ride to halibut waters.

They were fishing in more than 400 feet of water, using 32-ounce lead weights to get hooks baited with salmon bellies to the ocean's floor.

"To tell you the truth I've caught very few 32-ounce fish in Kansas in a long time," Kent Carmichael joked.

Rather than skill, he says, "I was just in the right place at the right time to drop a bait right in front of that fish."
For a while Carmichael thought he had snagged the ocean's floor. Then life on the line told him he was hooked into something special.

About halfway through the 90-minute battle, Elmo Carmichael, fishing at the opposite corner of the 27-foot boat, felt a jolt on his line and thought he was into a big fish, too.

"It's not uncommon to have two on at once," Kent Carmichael said. "Eventually we figured out my fish was over in my dad's line."
Elmo Carmichael spent the next 45 or so minutes trying to keep his own line taut so it wouldn't tangle while not stressing it enough to break off his son's fish.
Kent Carmichael tried to play the slight ocean swells to his favor, cranking in line when the boat dipped down.

"It seemed like I'd gain 10 to 12 feet of line and then the fish would take back 8 or 10 feet," he said. "It was a lot of work. That fish had so much power."

All through the fight he was hoping for a fish over 150 pounds. In all their years in Alaska, Kent Carmichael was the only angler in the family not to break 100 pounds.
Eventually he saw he had something far larger than his goal.

"I'll never forget seeing something 8 feet long on the end of my line," he said. "I'm thinking 'Holy cow'... and the thing really looked as big as a cow."
After the fish was killed in the water, it took four men to wrestle it aboard the boat.
With no scales big enough to weigh such a brute at the lodge, they looked at a chart furnished by the Alaska fisheries department. It estimated the 94-inch fish at 466 pounds.

The current state record is about 459 pounds.

"We'd have had to take it a long way to get it officially weighed," Kent Carmichael said. "I'm not even sure how far."
The fish produced more than 200 pounds of fillets. The Carmichaels also had other halibut and salmon for their flights home.
Both sons and their father gave quick affirmative answers when asked whether they will head to Alaska next summer.

When asked about catching one larger than the new family record, Elmo Carmichael first said, "I don't think I could bring one in that big."

Then the fisherman in him took over and said, "Well, I could, but it would be a struggle."

[H. Jude Boudreaux]

John, thanks for sharing another amazing article. As the father of a 9 month old, your blog has given me so much to think about, and I appreciate your regular sharing here.

[Cherie Orwig]

I'm doing my best to connect with my great nieces and nephews. One, age 9, spent last week with me and attended DU 's PASS fitness day camp. As good as that was for her, it didn't create the opportunity I'd hoped. This article gives me good ideas on doing better next time. I'm re-energized from these bog posts thank you!