Seedlings

Guest Blog: Fearless Living and Being Yourself

By Timothy J. Belber, JD, Generational Wealth Planning and Design

Erin Doland writes a wonderful blog (and a great book!) about strategies to remove clutter from our lives. While much of the discussion is about physical clutter, the heart of her message is to be happier by reducing the amount of noise and stress we tend to accumulate. As I read the post below it made me think of my own grandmother who lived to be 83. She lived alone in her own home for over 40 years after my grandfather divorced her. She never learned to drive but took me on many adventures via bus, train and, on occasion, taxi. She had epilepsy but always viewed it just something to attend to rather than as a limiter. She limited her 'stuff' to only things she needed to enjoy life. For a young boy staying with her was a wonderful adventure (she let me sleep under her bed with her dogs). She knew what  she liked (dogs, oatmeal, bologna and rare steaks) and never felt the need to do anything that didn't bring happiness to her and her family. She was fearless in being herself and was sought after for thoughts and wisdom.
 
Who can you think of who lived simply and fearlessly?
 
Don’t Let Fear Clutter Up the Life of Your Dreams
by Erin Doland (www.unclutterer.com)
 
Yesterday, my grandmother turned 102. The two of us have been close my entire life, and it doesn’t surprise me that she’s still alive. She has always been a rule breaker (she has traveled the globe alone, went straight to business school after graduating high school, and established her career path before she got married at 30, which was rare for a woman in the Depression-era 1930s). She also is extremely witty, a voracious reader, and insists on wearing a strand of pearls and makeup every day. She ran a successful thousand acre family farm for more than 60 years and worked in the Kansas Legislature until they forced her to retire in her late 80s.

Whenever I see my grandmother or think about her, the word fearless pops into my mind. In all my life, I’ve never known her to be afraid of anything. She has strong resolve and even greater determination. I’m partially convinced the reason she is still alive is because she has successfully convinced Death that dying isn’t an option for her.

I’m writing about my grandmother today because I’ve realized that her fearless attitude has greatly improved the quality of her life. She has lived an incredible 102 years because she’s never been afraid to take advantage of each moment. She has also lived a life primarily free of clutter — even now all she has are her eyeglasses, clothes, shoes, some jewelry, a wheelchair, bedding, toiletry items, and hundreds of photographs of friends and family. When she still lived in her farmhouse, she didn’t own much, either. Her happiness hasn’t ever been found in things and it hasn’t been controlled by fear.

Is fear cluttering up your life and keeping you from experiencing the life of your dreams? Is physical cluttering keeping you from focusing on what matters most to you? Take a lesson from my amazing grandmother and get rid of the fear and clutter and commit to pursuing the life of your dreams.

A Joyful Life – A Mother’s Gift to Her Daughter

“To live joyfully you must be brave. True joy is not for the fainthearted. You must decide to be happy. Joy is an act of courage. Joy will not abide until you make a conscious decision to treasure it… Gratitude is the gateway to joy” - Elaine Marshall

Sometimes an encounter with another human being can be the spark that ignites a powerful and sustaining fire in us.  Parents too often don’t realize that their most powerful influence might come many years after their child has left the nest.

A story Elaine Marshall told in her 2004 address entitled In This Life I Shall Have Joy describes how a mother’s generative words would rekindle her daughter’s soul and lead to a life transforming attitude shift.  Elaine and her mother had volunteered to work at a niece’s wedding reception.  Elaine had been busy putting pink mints on glass plates while her mother and aunt were laboring in the kitchen.  When Elaine returned to the kitchen she overheard a conversation between her mother and her aunt.  She stopped out of their sight and eavesdropped on their conversation about her.  Here is Elaine’s description of how her mother’s words, spoken at a very difficult moment in Elaine’s life, would have a powerful impact on the way Elaine would live the rest of her life:

“The organdy lace wedding apron was barely holding my soul together. I was quietly just hanging on spiritually and emotionally. It was a time in my life of little joy. My mother and her sister were talking…together nearby. I heard my aunt ask my mother, “How is Elaine?” Mom responded, “I believe she has made a decision to be happy. She has a garden and flowers in her yard. She sews and writes, and she works hard. She keeps a clean house and plays beautiful music. Her children are doing well. I think she has decided to be brave and to be happy.”

I wept a few tears as I eavesdropped on my mother’s conversation. I was lonely, tired, and grief stricken. I didn’t know if I had made a conscious decision to be happy. But hearing my mother’s hopeful description of me, I wanted it to be true. So I did decide to be happy. I decided that night to find joy in every day. It has been difficult. But I was brave. I am not so brave every day, but I do try to remember that joy is a decision that requires courage.”

Have you made a conscious decision to be happy and to live a joy-Full life? 

Have you thought about a way in which you might record and share encouraging words which will lift and sustain another?  What if Elaine had not walked in at the moment her mother was speaking those words?  Could Elaine’s mother have written something similar in a note or letter and wouldn’t that have had as powerful an impact?

"In order to know joy, you have to be there. Joy requires presence. My friends know that if I were not too stingy to buy personalized vanity license plates for my car, I would choose my favorite word. The word is vivace. Vivace is an Italian word used in music. It sounds like music. It means life, lively, quickening. It sounds alive. It reminds me to wake up, to be acute and sensitive, alert, alive. It means vitality, la joie de vivre, vibrance, vigor. It reminds me to touch the palpable gift and reality of life" - Elaine Marshall

The Privilege of Necessity

“We learn by going where we need to go.” - Theodore Roethke

Have you ever paused to ponder how grateful we might feel for necessity?  Sometimes, as Roethke suggests, doors of understanding open because our paths appear to be blocked and we have to confront a dilemma.  The path of progress is lit most clearly by persistently asking both “why” and “why not?”

Everyone who has visited Florence has seen the Basilica di Santa Maria del Fiore, more commonly known as the Duomo (Dome in Italian).  The Duomo, capped by the first large dome to be built in the Renaissance, offers powerful lessons on the enduring power of faith and vision.  No one knew how to build such a huge dome when construction began on the Basilica.

When design work on the Basilica started in 1294 it was intended to be the largest Roman Catholic cathedral in the world.  After more than a century of work, all of the cathedral’s structure, except for the enormous hole in the ceiling, was completed.

The series of architects who had overseen the construction of the Basilica had never come up with plans for how the dome would be completed.  By architectural standards of that time, a dome of such great size would collapse under its own weight.  In fact, some large medieval cathedrals, such as Beauvois, had collapsed during their construction. 

In 1418 a design competition was launched to select the plan and architect who would attempt to complete the Duomo.  Brunelleschi’s suggestion of first building a smaller dome to support the structure of the larger dome was accepted.  This and many other unknown and unorthodox methods for construction were developed.  The great octagonal dome was completed in 1436.  It became the prototype for St. Peter's Basilica in Rome and every other large dome built during that era. The Duomo became the most prominent symbol of the dawning of the Renaissance.

The necessity of finishing the Duomo was what fueled Brunelleschi’s creativity.  The building of such a massive masonry dome posed many technical problems.   A modern understanding of physical laws and the mathematical tools for calculating stresses was centuries into the future. Brunelleschi had to rely on intuition and whatever he could learn from the large scale models he built.  While he looked to the architectural successes of the past, such as the Pantheon, he was forced to come up with creative solutions for the unique design and construction problems of the present.  For example, to lift 37,000 tons of material, which included over 4 million bricks, he invented hoisting machines.  To deal with the challenges of stresses and fresh mortar, he came up with a herringbone design for the placement of the bricks.

The next time you face the daunting wall of necessity reflect on the wonderful breakthroughs that are possible when we scale that obstacle.   Pause to remember the story of those who set out to erect the world’s largest cathedral yet had no idea how they were going to cover its dome.  Fuel your efforts with the faith and hope which spring from approaching necessity as a privilege rather than a burden.

How can I harness the power of necessity?  What am I doing that will deprive my children or grandchildren of the opportunity to experience the privilege of necessity?

“Restlessness is discontent, and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.” - Thomas A. Edison

MORE LESSONS FROM THE LIFE OF RAY CHARLES

“My mom would say ‘You might not be able to do things like a person who can see.  But there are always two ways to do everything.  You just have to find the other way.” - Ray Charles

 

“He left not only the phenomenal music he sang and recorded, he left the indelible impression on people that it's all right to be yourself" - Johnny Mathis, who recorded a duet of Somewhere Over the Rainbow with Ray Charles just a little over three months’ prior to the Genius’ death

 

Ray Charles’ life was not only a testament to the unique ability each person possesses to overcome adversity and weakness but in finding the way to become the person you were meant to be. 

 

He felt it was important to share his financial success to improve the lives of others.  In 1986, Ray Charles created a private foundation dedicated to providing support in the area of hearing disorders and the empowerment of young people through education.  The vision of The Ray Charles Foundation is to instill in the youth of America that “there is no challenge too great one cannot overcome.”

 

Just a few years before his death Ray Charles gave Wilberforce University, our nation’s oldest African-American college in Ohio, $2,000,000 to fund music scholarships because “"It was what I had to do, and the reason I had to do it is too many people have been good to me."  In 2001 he donated another $1,000,000 to Morehouse College in Atlanta, Georgia.

 

He then gave $3,000,000 to Albany State University.  A few years after his death his personal representative threatened to sue the college to get that money back.  

 

Mr. Charles’s children strongly opposed that move and sent a letter to the attorney for the estate stating: “Ray Charles would be outraged by your threats to rescind the gifts he made...to Albany State U.”

 

Shortly after his death tabloids reported Ray Charles died broke and was a negligent father.  This publicity so angered his children that they shared with the public a very private story about what their father had done for each of them.

 

A few days before Christmas 2002, Ray Charles called a meeting of his 12 children at a hotel in Los Angeles. Few of his children knew each other as they had 10 different mothers.  Ten of the children, ranging in age from 16 to 50 – came to this luncheon to listen as their father told them he was mortally ill and outlined what they could expect from his fortune.  What we know about this family meeting comes largely from Ray’s second oldest son, the Rev. Robert Charles, who recalled:

 

"He called and we had a sit-down lunch...We took a lot of pictures. And we had a really good time getting to know each other. There were 10 of us there because two couldn't make it. My dad talked about how they always wait until a person passes. He said, 'Why do that? I'll give it to you now so you can build on that now.' It wasn't publicized because he was a very private man."

 

At that time, Ray Charles presented each child with a check for $1 million and explained that most of his financial assets would be left at his death to his charitable foundation.  When he passed away it is believed Ray Charles’ holdings were worth between $25,000,000 and $50,000,000.

 

Another son, Ray Jr., responded to the rumors that his father had died penniless with these words:  "How can you be broke when you give us $1 million and pay the taxes on it? What does that tell you? My father was second to none. He died not owing anyone anything. Everything he had belonged to him. He has 12 kids and he recognized them. He gave them $1 million in the prime or peak of their lives."

 

It really doesn’t matter how large Ray Charles’ estate was or how much he left his children.  The key to his personal and family legacy is found in the strength he exhibited in overcoming weakness and adversity and in the desire he had to give something to his children before he died that they could build on.

 

How will you tell your children about what your testamentary intentions are?  In what ways will your personal and family legacy empower your children to build upon what you have given them—both monetarily and through that family wealth that isn’t taxed, your wisdom and experiential reflections?

 

"Heaven wanted some music, and God sent for Ray Charles," - The Reverend Jesse Jackson speaking at Ray Charles’ funeral

 

"Through his darkness, he enlightened and brightened our lives." - Cecily Tyson, who along with Clint Eastwood, was present with Ray Charles at his last public appearance in April, 2004

Howling Your Way to Success

What Ray Charles Can Teach Us About Converting Grief and Mistakes Into Positive Emotional Catalysts

 

“You don’t drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there"—Edwin Louis-Cole

 

Ray Charles was a howling success as a human being and musician. 

 

But many people don’t know the tragic story of his childhood.  Later in life Ray Charles had to battle his way through addiction and dysfunctional relationships.  But in his struggle to overcome the demons in his life he discovered an important principle about letting our feelings inform and guide our behavior.  I call that principle “Howling Our Way to Success.”

 

Ray Charles Robinson was born to sharecropper parents in Albany Georgia.  When he was five his younger brother drowned in a washtub despite Ray’s efforts to save him.  That same year Ray began to realize he was losing his eyesight.  By the time he was seven he was totally blind.  Shortly thereafter he was institutionalized at the Florida School for the Deaf and Blind.  At the age of fourteen his mother passed away and three years later his father died as well.

 

In his autobiography he described his mother’s death as “the most devastating thing in my whole experience—bar nothing, period.  From that moment on, I was completely in another world.  I couldn’t eat.  I couldn’t sleep—I was totally out of control.  The big problem was I couldn’t cry.  I couldn’t get the sorrow out of my system and that made things worse.”

 

Ma Beck was an elderly friend of the Charles family.  She saw how despondent and withdrawn Ray had become.  She took him aside and told him that his mother had prepared him to be independent and would have wanted him to carry on with his life.  That day was the first time that Ray allowed himself to cry.  He “howl(ed) like a tiny infant, crying for all the pain that had been stored up, crying for the loss and...the sweet memories Mama had given me.”  That was the day that Ray began to “howl his way to success.”

 

He developed an ability to let his sorrow manifest itself in his music.  Howling screams became his musical trademark.

 

The gift that Ma Beck gave Ray—the permission to cry and to turn his grief into growth—was, in Ray’s own words, “strangely enough, extraordinarily positive.  What I’ve accomplished since then, really grows out of my coming to terms with those events [the deaths of his mother and younger brother].”

 

Too often we expect perfection of ourselves and of our children and grandchildren.  The arrogance of perfection denies us the opportunity to view weaknesses and mistakes as potential opportunities for growth.  When we can, as Ray Charles did, convert tragedy and other negative emotions into self-awareness, it opens up the door for amazing personal growth.  We need to view our mistakes and emotional challenges as the positive catalysts that help us see what we should be doing differently.

 

Peter Drucker, the guru of management consulting, was fond of pointing out that both individuals and companies had to discover their own arrogance along their path to better management.  Is there something which you are dismissing as not being important in your emotional and relationship frameworks?  Is it possible that you are—in the same way Ray Charles did—attempting to bury an emotion rather than use it as a catalyst?

 

“Don’t bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.  Try to be better than yourself”—William Faulkner

C=ME2

C=ME²

A Creative Application of Einstein’s

 Formula to Experience and Knowledge

 

“To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on treating oneself endlessly”—Henri Bergson

 

A fascinating example of Abraham Maslow’s observation that “almost all creativity involves purposeful play” is found in the story of how author Gene D. Cohen, M.D., Ph.D. came up with a formula for describing the effects of experience and knowledge on creativity.

 

Dr. Cohen was influenced by the work of Howard Gardner, the prolific author and learning expert at Harvard University.  Gardner came up with the big “C” for creativity that applies to the extraordinary accomplishments of composers, authors, artists, etc. and the little “c” that is grounded in the diversity of everyday creation.  Everyone, wrote Dr. Gardner, “has certain areas in which he or she has a special interest. It could be something they do at work...the way they write memos...the way they teach a lesson or sell something.  After working at it for a while they can get to be pretty good—as good as anybody they know in their immediate world.”

 

Dr. Cohen was interested in creativity and was fascinated by the creative genius of Albert Einstein.  Einstein is famous for what Dr. Cohen considered his “elegant equation” of energy equivalence which is E (energy) = MC² where m is mass and c is the speed of light.

 

Dr. Cohen had a dream in which the equation rearranged itself into a creativity formula: C=ME²

 

The big “C” in this formula stands for Creativity.  The “M” stands for a person’s mass of knowledge and “E” represents that individual’s experience, which Dr. Cohen felt should be reflected in two dimensions: inner and outer.  The inner dimension would be the psychological and emotional experiences.  The outer dimension would be one’s accumulated life experiences, understanding and perspectives.  Dr. Cohen’s C=ME² formula suggests that creativity is a function of both knowledge and experience.  The hopeful news for those of us who are passing through the second half of life is that the older we get the more knowledge and experience we have.  In fact Dr. Cohen suggests that the first time many adults tap deeply into their creative potential occurs around age 65.

 

In his study of creativity and aging Dr. Cohen found that creativity in the second half of life follows three basic patterns:

• Commencing creativity
• Continuing or changing creativity
• Creativity connected with loss

 

Frank Lloyd Wright observed, “in much of our preparation we don’t really know what we are preparing for.”  Do you realize that you may have been preparing for the most creative period in your life?  Do you invite creativity to be part of your life every day?  

 

The Best is Yet to Come!!!

 

“There’s always a clean slate, a fresh sheet of paper, a waiting space, a chance to have a shot at it tomorrow”—Herbert Block, a nationally syndicated cartoonist who was still publishing his cartoons up until two months before his death at age 91