Seedlings

Our Family Blessings

A Guest Post by Hartley Goldstone, originally posted here: http://www.navigatingthetrustscape.com/ 

 

Our Family Blessings

Parents' Story:

We started blessings, as we called it, with our kids when they were very young. At Christmas time, we asked each of the kids to write a blessing to each other and to their mom and their dad. They all went into a big pot. Then we sat around the fire and sorted them out and each of us read the blessings we had received from the others.

There was no requirement or expectation of what the kids were supposed to say. They could say anything they wanted. Even things like, I was really mad at you because you took my ball or something, you know, but now I'm not mad anymore. It would be that type of thing. As they grew older they got more perspective the blessings became more intimate. Very touching.

I think that has made a massive difference in the ability of our kids to talk to each other and for us to talk to them. They got used to telling each other how they really felt about something. Our kids are all close with each other in a relatively unusual way, I think, because they talk to each other, they know what is happening in each other's lives in a very personal, intimate kind of way.

Now that our kids are adults, before they arrive we sit down and write out a discussion form, just three or four things to be thinking of. Such things as how are things going with your family, at your place of employment this year, are their problems with your company, where you are, this kind of thing. The questions are just to give everybody a chance to think a little bit about what we might be talking about.

They all come over and we have breakfast for them. Then we sit down and we go around. Everybody gets a chance to say what they want to say and how things are going in their lives. They are very forthcoming. They are really honest.

We go around and really catch up and that includes us. We get our turn as well.

Sometimes there are tears. Everybody gets teary when somebody else is getting teary. If somebody has something going on that is difficult, we are all there. They've always known that we are all there for each other all the time.

Sometimes the simplest ideas are the best. Our tradition of blessings at Christmas changed our family.

Neither of us did this as kids. It was something we talked about doing. We liked the idea really well so we put it into practice. Now we do something similar with our little grandkids.

One Christmas when we were doing our blessings we told our kids that we wanted them to have their inheritances while they could really use it and while we were alive so we could enjoy watching them.

Here's how that came about. First of all, I guess we did pretty well in starting businesses. We decided that as healthy as we are (and we are very healthy) that our life expectancies are long ones. We said, "Well geez, the kids are going to be older than we are now before they see a dime." That didn't make sense to either of us. So we decided four or five years ago that we were going to start downloading wealth, as we called it, so that we could see, experience what our kids are doing.

We had a conversation about not wanting to make their life super easy. We feel and felt than they needed to stretch themselves and take risks and get their noses bloody a time or two. We didn't want to take those kinds of life experiences away from them. At the same time, we wanted to shift some assets down to them. We kind of worked our way through most of that.

Our kids are all very solid, very competent. They all have families. Our grandkids are being raised in the most wonderful way. The grandkids themselves are exploring their talents in various ways. We encourage that type of thing.

So we give each of them a check. We do it based on each person's needs and good common sense. Not one of those kids of ours cares whatsoever about what somebody else gets.

We made a fundamental decision that the only generation we are concerned about is our own kids. Our grandkids, it is their responsibility to figure that stuff out.

We just don't feel like we want to be controlling down the line. We want to only work with the first generation. They can work with the rest of it.

That goes along with our philosophy that our kids are quite capable.

Daughter's Story:

One of the things that is really unique about my parents is that for all the warts we have in our family, there is something that is magical about their combination. It's far greater than what they bring to the table individually. My mom always says that one plus one equals four (a play on there being four of us kids).

From a money perspective, my mom is one of the most "unmoney" oriented people I know. She gives freely, she accepts freely. She was not raised with money. There seems to be no hooks about money with her.

My dad wasn't raised with money either. He has always been the major breadwinner in our family. He is the entrepreneur - the one who started multiple businesses, the last of which is the one that really exploded for them and created the wealth that is in my family.

My dad has a strong feeling of wanting to raise his children up on his shoulders. He doesn't give with strings. I never get the sense that he has any expectations when he gives to us, in fact, it seems clear to me that my parents have always been more focused on our family's human capital than our financial capital.

A perfect example of this is when I started my business. In my mid-20s I had a strong desire to start my own business – but I was scared. My mom and dad and I went to dinner one night and my dad said to me, "You've been talking about this business for so long – why don't you quit your job and just do it?" He was pushing me. "Decide to take action – get off the fence."

I got fierce about it. "I am not going to throw myself off of a financial cliff. You didn't raise me that way." He was a big risk taker and had raised us that way, but I told him I wasn't taking the big financial risk.

He and I left dinner mad at each other. He called me later that week. "I understand what you are talking about. I've heard you talk about this dream for so long, I want you to make it happen. What is the worst thing that could happen?"

"The worst thing that could happen is that I can't pay my mortgage."

"We have an entire basement you can move into. If the shit hits the fan you will rent or sell your place and you have a basement to move into." He didn't say, "I'm going to swoop in and send you a check to pay your mortgage."

I really loved that that was his response. I think one of the great challenges of integrating financial wealth into a human life is the potential to undermine your confidence in your ability to do something on your own. Whether he did it consciously or fell into it unconsciously, he and my mom let me know their support was there and allowed me to take risks that I wouldn't have taken otherwise. I didn't feel undermined by the money part of it. I felt that I had their true support – not the "I will write you and check and cover it" kind of support.

It seems important to find the most pure understanding of what money is to you, to each of us. What is the imprint, what is the message you would like to transfer to the next generation about money in its most pure form? Not who has money but what is possible because of money.

The first time that my parents gave us distributions from their assets was absolutely unexpected. My parents asked us to come to their house one morning during the first week in December. This was our first family meeting. We hadn't been together as a nuclear family for many years. So to have my parents ask us to come back, just the six of us, for a meeting was an extraordinary thing. The four of us kids had no idea what to expect.

I remember being both nervous and excited. I got up really, really early. There was a big snowstorm. I got in the car and drove to my parents' house. The meeting was a 9 o'clock. I barely got there in time because of the snow.

It was oddly uncomfortable to have the six of us together. We were all standing around my parent's kitchen. We hadn't been together in so many years. We knew the conversation was going to be about estate planning.

I remember going from feeling too hot, to feeling too cold. I was nervous and I didn't know what to expect (I mean, we were talking about my parents dying, right?). I was feeling this was all a little weird, and my heart kept fluttering, even though my mind was trying to be calm. We are going to talk about what? I found myself was really appreciating being there, with my brothers and my parents, even though we were all a little uncomfortable.

There was a lot of nervous laughter. One of my brothers was making hilarious off-color jokes about my parents dying. We all laughed because we didn't know what else to do. Our parents aren't that old and nobody was thinking about them dying or us inheriting anything. We all knew there were significant assets but didn't know how much. It felt like that was something you didn't talk about.

When my parents' attorney showed up to facilitate the meeting, we all got together and sat down. He gave us some context about why estate planning is important and a sense of what documentation is necessary to honor both my parents' intentions. Also, why it is important for each of us to have estate plans as we married and had children.

My parents asked each of us to give an update on where we were at in life and what was going on. We shared deep feelings about where we were in our lives; it was like it cracked something open in each of us. I think for the most part, my family has always liked each other, but I feel like it was that day that we really laid the foundation for us all to have relationships as adults together.

Toward the end of the meeting my parents said, "We've told you all along that there is a significant amount of wealth that came out of this last business that went public and we feel strongly that we don't want you guys to wait to get this money until we are dead. Each of you guys is going to be incredibly successful in your own right; you probably won't need it when we are dead. We want to see it impact your lives while we are alive. We want to see the power of what this money can do in your lives now."

My dad was really clear – it was the first time I ever heard him say, and he has said multiple times since then - that he created this first wave of wealth but has no desire to have any control over it past our generation. Other than funds that he and my mom might put away for each of the grandkids' college, they have no designs for the wealth. They very consciously didn't set up trusts or formal ways to distribute money to us. In his typical way, my dad said, "Once it hits your generation it's your problem."

My dad handed out checks made out to each one of us. I remember the noise and confusion in my head because nobody was expecting that.

That was the first year. The six of us have had family meetings in December every single year since then. My parents have chosen some years to give less, some years to give more. I have no idea how they come up with what it is they chose to give. If some year they give nothing, I guarantee you every single one of us wouldn't bat an eye at it. We come together now because it is this yearly catharsis. We spend hours telling about our wins and challenges. Each year someone ends up taking up two hours of the time together because they need to cry and be heard and have their family see and support them. It shifts and it is different things at different times.

I look at how we lived, how we were raised, and it never, ever, was about what other people were doing. What car should we be driving, what house should we live in, where should our vacation home be, what scholarships? I never remembered my parents comparing to others.

I think that has been a massive blessing. When I started off I said something about having the warts that all families have. One of the things that I absolutely treasure about my family is that we've lived all of those warts as openly and courageously as we could, individually and as a family.

One of the strengths I recognize in my parents is to be willing, even if it looks ugly on the outside, to name warts to the extent that we can. We talk about them; there is a willingness to not have to be perfect for other people's sake.

I feel really, deeply grateful. I have a really full heart when I think about my parents and my brothers. I recognize that these are the people that know me longest on this planet and that I have a totally unique gift in the fact that we have this annual family gathering.

Actually...I think I need to send my parents a note and say thank you. They are pretty amazing. 

The Power of Example

“Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it's the only thing”—Albert Schweitzer

Every day, consciously but much more often unconsciously, each of us is transmitting certain behaviors, feelings and lifestyles to others.  It is your choice and mine whether that influence will be a positive and lasting influence.  To move from the positive but fleeting influence to the memorable and lasting influence requires both intention and action.  It is what I call capturing the Power of Example.  

The brightest influence of your personal legacy will be the illuminating power of example and selfless sacrifice.  The following story, offered by Elaine Dalton as a tribute to her father’s influence on her as a child, is an example of how we can create both a positive and lasting influence:

An elderly widow lived next door to Elaine’s family.  Her home was badly in need of paint and exterior maintenance but she didn’t have the money to pay for it.  Instead of offering to pay for the painting of the widow’s home, Elaine’s father took a week of vacation time from his job and marshaled his family to assist in the painting project.  

At the time Elaine thought that was the greatest family vacation she had ever experienced because her father taught her how to paint.  But this selfless act of service had a much more positive and sustaining influence then simply brightening the widow’s home.  It created a bright example which burns brightly today in Elaine’s consciousness and inspires her to find ways to serve others.  This is how she described her father’s influence:

“My father was my hero. I used to wait on the steps of our home for him to arrive each night. He would pick me up and twirl me around and let me put my feet on top of his big shoes, and then he would dance me into the house. I loved the challenge of trying to follow his every footstep. I still do.” 

The wonderful truth about parenting and grandparenting is that we each can be a hero for those who will follow in our footsteps.

What is the one thing in your personal life you would most like to be remembered for?  How can you create an opportunity to indelibly imprint this example upon the minds of your young children or grandchildren?  When will you start and what will be the first step towards creating this legacy moment or project? Who will help you with this project and hold you accountable to complete the task?  

“The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example.”—Benjamin Disraeli

Hope – Never, Never Give Up on Your Child or Grandchild

“Hope has two beautiful daughters.  Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are.”—Augustine of Hippo 

There is nothing sadder than a parent or grandparent who has given up on their child or grandchild. 

Some years ago a lawyer from San Francisco, James Stillman, introduced me to a term and concept that radically changed the way I look at children or grandchildren who have been branded wayward, difficult or hostile. The term was “Designed Difficult One” of DDO for short. 

Mr. Stillman pointed out virtually every family he worked with had a “Designated Difficult One”, a child or grandchild who marches to a different tune than the rest of the tribe.  He noted that when he made the effort to reach out to the DDO and to listen to them he often discovered they had perspectives which really needed to be heard.  When I shared the DDO concept with a cultural anthropologist recently she told me that in her experience the DDO is the “voice of the family system” and families benefit greatly from paying attention to their DDOs. 

I have concluded that a key to the success of flourishing families is their ability to extend unconditional love to their DDOs.  How well we listen to the DDO demonstrates to all members of the family that we love each of them unconditionally as well.

The spirit of love and inclusion required to embrace your DDO is captured in this poem entitled “Outwitted” by Edwin Markham:

He drew a circle that shut me out —
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in. 

So instead of giving up on your child or grandchild, perhaps you might want to step back and ask yourself:  “what message am I missing and what opportunity to grow is our family forfeiting because I’m not willing to listen and learn from my child/grandchild?” 

"Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there's always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires."—Marcelene Cox

Finish First or Finish Well? – The Joys of Relational Persistence

"What this power is I cannot say; all I know is that it exists and it becomes available only when a man is in that state of mind in which he knows exactly what he wants and is fully determined not to quit until he finds it" - Alexander Graham Bell 

I recently purchased a copy of William J. Bennett’s book, The Children’s Book of Virtues, and one of its stories I love to read my grandchildren is the fable of the tortoise and the hare.  You will remember that the persistent effort of the tortoise paid off in attaining the finish line while the much fleeter hare was enjoying slumber along the trail.

From Pennsylvania to Utah I’ve tried to help my grandchildren understand that no matter how talented we are, persistence is a key ingredient for success in any endeavor we tackle.

 The virtue of persistence also applies to the efforts of parents and grandparents to build meaningful connections with our progeny.  The father who takes one afternoon off to attend a daughter’s or son’s school or extracurricular activity has made a great initial deposit in his “relationship account” but won’t achieve as much impact as is possible through persistent commitment to make it back for every performance or game.

Persistence pays off. 

If you have been guilty, as was I, of not being as persistent in building connections with my children as I wish I had, don’t punish yourself but take comfort in this wisdom:

"Our greatest glory lies not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall" - unknown

As Charles Kettering, one of the great inventors of the 20^th Century, says:

“Every time you tear a leaf off a calendar, you present a new place for new ideas and progress”

There is a wonderful opportunity lying ahead of each us: the opportunity to strengthen our relational connections.  Kettering reminds us, “I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down.”  We can stumble into a life of relational significance through our persistence.  Your children and grandchildren won’t care if you finish first; but they will be forever grateful when you strive to put them first in your list of priorities.

 

"Where does persistence fit in? Persistent action follows commitment — that is, you first must be committed to something before you’ll persist to achieve it. Once you’ve made a commitment to achieve your goal, then you’ll follow through with relentless determination and action until you attain the desired result" - Jeff Keller

Grandfathers and Grandchildren

Connecting at a Certain Stage of Life

“Nobody can do for children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of grandchildren”—paraphrasing a quote from Alex Haley, author of Roots

 

From the Florida Keys to Seattle, Washington, I have heard the same thing:  There is tremendous value in building connections with your grandchildren, or if you don’t have children of your own, then with your nieces/nephews or even great  nieces/nephews.  Interestingly, in both the interviews I conducted in the Florida Keys and in a briefer conversation in Seattle, I discovered two very interesting patterns for creating connection with grandchildren or nieces/nephews that both involve starting at age 13.

There isn’t magic around age 13.  It could be any age.  But as I listened to the reasons why these couples had chosen to start their connection practices at age 13 it was clear that is a very good time, for a variety of reasons, to put your connection plan into action.

Let me share an interesting example from one family I deeply admire.  I was privileged to interview several of the grandchildren in this family who are in college, graduate school or the world of commerce.  The common theme I ran into each of these interviews was the incredible love and admiration each grandchild voiced for their grandparents.  I probed to discover what it was this particular set of grandparents had done to create this generative influence.  What I learned was that starting with their first grandchild, they had established a tradition of allowing each grandchild to select a destination to visit the summer after he/she attains age thirteen.

One grandchild I interviewed had chosen a cruise around Italy.  When I asked what this experience had meant to him, he quickly responded: “I learned how important I was to my grandparents, how much they loved me, and how much fun it was to spend time with them.”  The key to this, of course, isn’t just the gift of a travel experience.  It was the fact the grandparents intentionally wanted the experience to include lots of time to listen to their grandchild and to share stories, experiences, and wisdom with him in appropriate dosages--the dosage their grandchild could tolerate and appreciate. 

When I later spoke to the grandparents I was surprised to learn they didn’t know how strong the positive memories were each adult grandchild had of their trip with Grandpa and Grandma.  We ran an assessment tool with this family that was created by my Collaborator and friend, Dean Fowler.  That tool measures 12 critical areas for families as they seek to transition their wealth to future generations of the family.  It wasn’t surprising to me when the assessment showed that this family’s relationship strengths placed them in the top 1% of families.  While the grandparents might not have been aware of how much benefit their practice of the trip with their 13 year old grandchildren was creating, it was part of the incredible culture they had built within their family.

Grandparents may never live long enough to see how their consistent efforts to build relationships with their grandchildren will have a sustaining and powerful influence on their descendants.  But they should know that no effort to invest in their family’s relational wealth through consistent expressions of love and meaningful interactions with their grandchildren will ever produce a negative rate of return.

"What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies."—Rudolph Guiliani

 

 

Fathers and Sons

Connecting at All Ages and Stages of Life

"Talk does not cook rice." – Chinese proverb

I love the directness of the Chinese proverb quoted above.  I do not want to be found guilty of just talking about the importance of connecting with my children and grandchildren.  I am going to be much more intentional about creating opportunities for connection.  If you are a father or grandfather I encourage you to take the steps necessary to create much more powerful and frequent connections with your posterity and want to share with you inspiration I have drawn from others who have earned “Masters Degrees” in connection.

There are two common denominators I have found among the fathers and grandfathers I have interviewed who have initiated a practice of meaningfully connecting with their child(ren).  First, each describes a degree of satisfaction from their connection efforts which I would describe as the “joy of fatherhood.”  Some of these fathers began their efforts to build connections when their children were young.  Others have come to the intention of deliberately connecting when their children or grandchildren have entered adulthood.  But the second common denominator among those who have earned Masters Degrees in connection with their children is the fact that they have made consistent efforts to connect and stay connected and they don’t let other demands interfere with their commitment to connection. 

What I have also discovered in these interviews is that there isn’t just one way to connect with your child or grandchild.  The pattern of connection can be simple or exotic.  But it always seems to be associated with spoken,   written or other tangible expressions of love. 

Here is an example from a father who began the practice of connecting for a special trip with his children shortly after they became teenagers.  I’ve taken the liberty of calling this first father I want to spotlight Tom.

Tom lost his father at a relatively early age.  When he became a father he determined he would give his children what he had not known as a teenager and that was a powerful connection with their Dad.  And, Tom determined he would find a way to continue to stay connected with his children throughout their adult lives.  Tom’s appreciation for just how precious these moments can be has been heightened by a medical crisis in his own life.  When you realize that this year’s trip might be the last opportunity for you to jointly create memories—for both you and your children—it makes the ritual of annually connecting with your child even more important.

Tom has three sons.  When his oldest son was about to make that transition from elementary school to middle school Tom asked him what one thing he would most enjoy doing if he could spend three days doing anything he wanted to do.  The answer was instantaneous: skiing.  So together they chose a place where his son would love to ski.  When Tom told me this story, he had just returned from what I believe was the 15th annual father/son ski trip with his oldest son.

What did Tom’s middle son choose to do for his father/son trip when he was old enough to begin this annual tradition with his dad.  He was an avid skier/snowboarder as well and that is what he wanted to do.  I asked Tom if he took both of his sons on an annual trip after that.  “No,” he replied.  He understood that while there is joy in being with both of his sons, when he had the two them together the energy and excitement they were experiencing as siblings on a shared adventure would make it difficult for him to connect meaningfully with either son. The purpose of the annual tradition he established is to create powerful one-on-one conversations with each son and not just provide them with a fun trip.

Tom and his wife were blessed with a third child, another son.  This son, however, had some physical challenges from birth that would make it difficult for him to ever ski.  Tom observed his third child was fascinated by baseball.

On the particular trip when I shared the seats in row 9 with Tom, the baseball season was just getting underway.  He excitedly told me about an upcoming trip to Pittsburgh where he and his youngest son would get to watch the Rockies play the Pirates.  They have now been to about 15 major league parks.  Some years in their three day trips they are able to catch more than one baseball stadium such as when they plan a trip to Chicago, New York, Los Angeles or San Francisco.  Their hope is to eventually scratch every major league baseball stadium off their father and son bucket list.

My new friend in seat 9B illustrated through his story how we can connect with our children at any age and throughout the stages of life.  When they have scratched off every baseball park, or if the Dad’s health should deteriorate and he can no longer take those ski trips with his older sons, there will be opportunities to find new ways to enjoy each other’s company and to continue to invest time and energy building relationships.  Perhaps they will create a bucket list, like Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman did in the movie that made that term memorable, and instead of annually visiting baseball parks or ski areas they will be scratching off places or events they both want to see and experience.

Do you and your children have a Father/Son or Father/Daughter bucket list?  What meaningful tradition can you establish with each of your children which will allow you to annually celebrate time together and renew the bond of parent and child?

I would like to close with a quote from baseball great Harmon Killebrew, who gallantly fought and then graciously tipped his hat to cancer recently:

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass"; "We're not raising grass," Dad would reply. "We're raising boys";”—Harmon Killebrew

The Little Blind Girl and Her Father - What Did She See and Why?

“When a father gives his daughter an emotional visa to strike out on her own, he is always with her. Such a daughter has her encouraging, understanding daddy in her head, cheering her on—not simply as a woman but as a whole, unique human being with unlimited possibilities.” -Victoria Secunda 

I read a story a few years ago that powerfully touched my heart.  I would like to share it with you in hopes you will see the lesson it can teach us about the importance of fathers who care and who build trust and relationship with their children from birth until death:

A beautiful little blind girl was sitting on the lap of her father in a crowded compartment in a train. A friend seated nearby said to the father, "Let me give you a little rest," and he reached over and took the little girl on his lap.

A few moments later the father said to her, "Do you know who is holding you?"

"No," she replied, "but you do."

The little girl knew she was safe because she knew her father knew who was holding her.

Some may say, "What perfect trust this child had in her father." Others might say, "The little girl is an incredible example of blind faith."

Was it remarkable or just the natural result of years of consistent “positive parenting”?

I think perhaps the most important question which each father who reads this story should ask is, “What am I doing to create such a positive balance in my relationship account with my child that she/he would have similar trust, faith and love?”

Many of us...have come to believe that asking one’s self the question , “Am I a good father?” represents one of the most widespread and important acts of ethical self-reflection among men—Alan C. Hawkins, Ph.D. and David C. Dollahite, Ph.D.

A Message from Hanoi

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone—Harriet Beecher Stowe

 

On August 2,1967 then Captain Jay Hess flew the number four position in a flight of four F-105 Thunderchief fighter-bombers assigned to destroy the heavily defended Thai Nygen Power Plant in North Viet Nam.  Captain Hess quickly identified the target in limited visibility and then with total disregard for his own safety delivered his plane’s ordinance contributing immeasurably to the destruction of that target.  Unfortunately, Captain Hess’ aircraft had taken a direct hit from the intense anti-aircraft defenses and he would never make it back to his home base that day.  Instead his F-105 crashed and he was captured, tortured repeatedly, and placed in solitary confinement for two months in that prisoner of war camp known as the Hanoi Hilton. 

Ask Lt. Colonel Jay Hess today how long he was held in captivity and he answers without hesitation: "2,029 days — over five years." While he would return home in 1973 to receive a Silver Star for his gallantry, perhaps the greatest legacy surrounding Lt. Colonel Hess’ POW ordeal is the story I want to call “A Message from Hanoi.”

For more than two years Jay Hess’ wife and family didn’t know if he was alive or dead.  Finally, his North Vietnamese captors allowed him to write a note to his family.  But the note could only be sent if it contained 25 words or less.

What would you say in these circumstances, not knowing if you would ever be reunited with your spouse and family or if you would ever be able to send another note?  Wanting to provide something his family could recognize as having come from him and also wanting to give them valuable counsel, Lt. Colonel Hess wrote: “These things are important: temple, marriage, mission, college.  Press on, set goals, write history, take pictures twice a year.”

So, as we approach Father’s Day, I would like to ask every father and grandfather:   What are the empowering, inspiring words you can share from your values and your life wisdom?  Can you compress those thoughts into 25 words or less and send  “A Message From Hanoi” note to your loved  ones?

The Message From Hanoi Suggestion

What is it that really counts in terms of a life “well lived”? 

Think of single words or word pairs that describe the values or principles you feel you have tried to live your life by,  If you find that 25 words is just too difficult to compress into a meaningful note, splurge.  Lt. Col. Hess would have written more.  His captors just wouldn’t let him.

What could you say in just a handful of words that would help your child(ren) know how much you loved them and how proud they have made you?

Is there a special phrase or a term of endearment which you remember from your youth or parent(s) which captures the essence of the love you have for your child(ren) or of the hopes and dreams you have for the life they will live.

The Trip to the Circus

Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed.—Thomas S. Monson

Arthur Gordon in his book entitled A Touch of Wonder pays this tribute to his father:

“When I was around thirteen and my brother ten, Father had promised to take us to the circus. But at lunchtime there was a phone call; some urgent business required his attention downtown. We braced ourselves for disappointment. Then we heard him say [into the phone], ‘No, I won’t be down. It’ll have to wait.’

“When he came back to the table, Mother smiled. ‘The circus keeps coming back, you know,’ [she said.]

“‘I know,’ said Father. ‘But childhood doesn’t.’—Arthur Gordon, A Touch of Wonder (1974), 77–78

Stephen Covey tells a similar story from his own life about a special trip he made with one of his children and a lucrative business opportunity came up just before he was to take his child to the event they had come for.  Should he do as his client suggested and come for just a few hours to consummate the deal?  Or should he honor the commitment he had made to his child.  It is moments like this that define not only our true character as a father but forever etch in the hearts and minds of our children just how much they matter to us.

Take Time To Plan a Special Event or Trip With Your Child or Grandchild

As we approach Father’s Day, why not take advantage of the opportunity to plan a special event or trip with your child or grandchild.  You don’t have to go far away.  Perhaps, it would be that new “Putt-Putt Golf” course.  Or if you have a friend who is a fireman see if you can tour the local firestation.  If your child or grandchild is fascinated by planes or trains, you could plan a trip on their favorite mode of transportation.  The possibilities are endless.  The memories you make will be priceless.

The Role of Fathers in Today’s Society

"This his praise, if praise be needed, As a father he succeeded.”—Edgar Allan Guest from his poem entitled “Old Man Green”

We need successful fathers today more than we have ever needed them.

David Blankenhorn, in his book entitled Fatherless America describes “fatherlessness” as “the most harmful demographic trend of this generation” and the leading cause of damage to children. “It is,” says Blankenhorn, “the engine driving our most urgent social problems, from crime to adolescent pregnancy to child sexual abuse to domestic violence…”

Tonight more than 40% of children in America will go to sleep in homes in which their fathers do not live.  Blankenhorn sums up this alarming statistic in these words:

“Never before in this country have so many children been voluntarily abandoned by their fathers.  Never before have so many children grown up without knowing what it means to have a father.”

Jeffrey R. Holland, a former University President who called the book Fatherless America to my attention, noted:

Of even greater concern than the physical absenteeism of some fathers is the spiritually or emotionally absent father. These are fatherly sins of omission that are probably more destructive than sins of commission. Why are we not surprised that when 2,000 children of all ages and backgrounds were asked what they appreciated most about their fathers, they answered universally, “He spends time with me”?

The greatest regret I have from the years when my children were going to sleep under my roof was that I didn’t make more time for them.  It seems to be a natural phenomenon that what children are deprived of they seem to particularly compensate for as adults.  I see this principle in my own son’s life and I’m grateful for it.  He is making greater efforts than I made to spend quality time with his children. 

During the two weeks that straddle Father’s Day 2011 I will be posting stories of “successful fathers” in hopes that all fathers and grandfathers will double their efforts to deepen their connections with their children and grandchildren.  Each post will offer a suggestion of a thoughtful way in which fathers can give the gift which will always be most appreciated by their child:  the Gift of You.  And, if you know of a child who is fatherless can you find a way to become a positive influence in that child’s life.

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The Father’s Day Tooth Fairy Note

Did you grow up with the tradition of a visit from the tooth fairy every time you lost a tooth?  Remember the excitement you felt when you woke up and discovered the Tooth Fairy had brought you a shiny Silver Dollar or a treat.

What if you write notes from your heart to each of your children, and place them under their pillows after they have gone to sleep the night before Father’s Day.  When they proudly give you your Father’s Day present, you can surprise them by telling them there is something lying under their pillow.  Make sure you preserve a copy of your note.  Someday your child will be extremely happy you remembered them on Father’s Day and you preserved that special note for them to share with their family.