Seedlings

The Power of Example

“Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it's the only thing”—Albert Schweitzer

Every day, consciously but much more often unconsciously, each of us is transmitting certain behaviors, feelings and lifestyles to others.  It is your choice and mine whether that influence will be a positive and lasting influence.  To move from the positive but fleeting influence to the memorable and lasting influence requires both intention and action.  It is what I call capturing the Power of Example.  

The brightest influence of your personal legacy will be the illuminating power of example and selfless sacrifice.  The following story, offered by Elaine Dalton as a tribute to her father’s influence on her as a child, is an example of how we can create both a positive and lasting influence:

An elderly widow lived next door to Elaine’s family.  Her home was badly in need of paint and exterior maintenance but she didn’t have the money to pay for it.  Instead of offering to pay for the painting of the widow’s home, Elaine’s father took a week of vacation time from his job and marshaled his family to assist in the painting project.  

At the time Elaine thought that was the greatest family vacation she had ever experienced because her father taught her how to paint.  But this selfless act of service had a much more positive and sustaining influence then simply brightening the widow’s home.  It created a bright example which burns brightly today in Elaine’s consciousness and inspires her to find ways to serve others.  This is how she described her father’s influence:

“My father was my hero. I used to wait on the steps of our home for him to arrive each night. He would pick me up and twirl me around and let me put my feet on top of his big shoes, and then he would dance me into the house. I loved the challenge of trying to follow his every footstep. I still do.” 

The wonderful truth about parenting and grandparenting is that we each can be a hero for those who will follow in our footsteps.

What is the one thing in your personal life you would most like to be remembered for?  How can you create an opportunity to indelibly imprint this example upon the minds of your young children or grandchildren?  When will you start and what will be the first step towards creating this legacy moment or project? Who will help you with this project and hold you accountable to complete the task?  

“The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example.”—Benjamin Disraeli

Grandfathers and Grandchildren

Connecting at a Certain Stage of Life

“Nobody can do for children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of grandchildren”—paraphrasing a quote from Alex Haley, author of Roots

 

From the Florida Keys to Seattle, Washington, I have heard the same thing:  There is tremendous value in building connections with your grandchildren, or if you don’t have children of your own, then with your nieces/nephews or even great  nieces/nephews.  Interestingly, in both the interviews I conducted in the Florida Keys and in a briefer conversation in Seattle, I discovered two very interesting patterns for creating connection with grandchildren or nieces/nephews that both involve starting at age 13.

There isn’t magic around age 13.  It could be any age.  But as I listened to the reasons why these couples had chosen to start their connection practices at age 13 it was clear that is a very good time, for a variety of reasons, to put your connection plan into action.

Let me share an interesting example from one family I deeply admire.  I was privileged to interview several of the grandchildren in this family who are in college, graduate school or the world of commerce.  The common theme I ran into each of these interviews was the incredible love and admiration each grandchild voiced for their grandparents.  I probed to discover what it was this particular set of grandparents had done to create this generative influence.  What I learned was that starting with their first grandchild, they had established a tradition of allowing each grandchild to select a destination to visit the summer after he/she attains age thirteen.

One grandchild I interviewed had chosen a cruise around Italy.  When I asked what this experience had meant to him, he quickly responded: “I learned how important I was to my grandparents, how much they loved me, and how much fun it was to spend time with them.”  The key to this, of course, isn’t just the gift of a travel experience.  It was the fact the grandparents intentionally wanted the experience to include lots of time to listen to their grandchild and to share stories, experiences, and wisdom with him in appropriate dosages--the dosage their grandchild could tolerate and appreciate. 

When I later spoke to the grandparents I was surprised to learn they didn’t know how strong the positive memories were each adult grandchild had of their trip with Grandpa and Grandma.  We ran an assessment tool with this family that was created by my Collaborator and friend, Dean Fowler.  That tool measures 12 critical areas for families as they seek to transition their wealth to future generations of the family.  It wasn’t surprising to me when the assessment showed that this family’s relationship strengths placed them in the top 1% of families.  While the grandparents might not have been aware of how much benefit their practice of the trip with their 13 year old grandchildren was creating, it was part of the incredible culture they had built within their family.

Grandparents may never live long enough to see how their consistent efforts to build relationships with their grandchildren will have a sustaining and powerful influence on their descendants.  But they should know that no effort to invest in their family’s relational wealth through consistent expressions of love and meaningful interactions with their grandchildren will ever produce a negative rate of return.

"What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies."—Rudolph Guiliani

 

 

Fathers and Sons

Connecting at All Ages and Stages of Life

"Talk does not cook rice." – Chinese proverb

I love the directness of the Chinese proverb quoted above.  I do not want to be found guilty of just talking about the importance of connecting with my children and grandchildren.  I am going to be much more intentional about creating opportunities for connection.  If you are a father or grandfather I encourage you to take the steps necessary to create much more powerful and frequent connections with your posterity and want to share with you inspiration I have drawn from others who have earned “Masters Degrees” in connection.

There are two common denominators I have found among the fathers and grandfathers I have interviewed who have initiated a practice of meaningfully connecting with their child(ren).  First, each describes a degree of satisfaction from their connection efforts which I would describe as the “joy of fatherhood.”  Some of these fathers began their efforts to build connections when their children were young.  Others have come to the intention of deliberately connecting when their children or grandchildren have entered adulthood.  But the second common denominator among those who have earned Masters Degrees in connection with their children is the fact that they have made consistent efforts to connect and stay connected and they don’t let other demands interfere with their commitment to connection. 

What I have also discovered in these interviews is that there isn’t just one way to connect with your child or grandchild.  The pattern of connection can be simple or exotic.  But it always seems to be associated with spoken,   written or other tangible expressions of love. 

Here is an example from a father who began the practice of connecting for a special trip with his children shortly after they became teenagers.  I’ve taken the liberty of calling this first father I want to spotlight Tom.

Tom lost his father at a relatively early age.  When he became a father he determined he would give his children what he had not known as a teenager and that was a powerful connection with their Dad.  And, Tom determined he would find a way to continue to stay connected with his children throughout their adult lives.  Tom’s appreciation for just how precious these moments can be has been heightened by a medical crisis in his own life.  When you realize that this year’s trip might be the last opportunity for you to jointly create memories—for both you and your children—it makes the ritual of annually connecting with your child even more important.

Tom has three sons.  When his oldest son was about to make that transition from elementary school to middle school Tom asked him what one thing he would most enjoy doing if he could spend three days doing anything he wanted to do.  The answer was instantaneous: skiing.  So together they chose a place where his son would love to ski.  When Tom told me this story, he had just returned from what I believe was the 15th annual father/son ski trip with his oldest son.

What did Tom’s middle son choose to do for his father/son trip when he was old enough to begin this annual tradition with his dad.  He was an avid skier/snowboarder as well and that is what he wanted to do.  I asked Tom if he took both of his sons on an annual trip after that.  “No,” he replied.  He understood that while there is joy in being with both of his sons, when he had the two them together the energy and excitement they were experiencing as siblings on a shared adventure would make it difficult for him to connect meaningfully with either son. The purpose of the annual tradition he established is to create powerful one-on-one conversations with each son and not just provide them with a fun trip.

Tom and his wife were blessed with a third child, another son.  This son, however, had some physical challenges from birth that would make it difficult for him to ever ski.  Tom observed his third child was fascinated by baseball.

On the particular trip when I shared the seats in row 9 with Tom, the baseball season was just getting underway.  He excitedly told me about an upcoming trip to Pittsburgh where he and his youngest son would get to watch the Rockies play the Pirates.  They have now been to about 15 major league parks.  Some years in their three day trips they are able to catch more than one baseball stadium such as when they plan a trip to Chicago, New York, Los Angeles or San Francisco.  Their hope is to eventually scratch every major league baseball stadium off their father and son bucket list.

My new friend in seat 9B illustrated through his story how we can connect with our children at any age and throughout the stages of life.  When they have scratched off every baseball park, or if the Dad’s health should deteriorate and he can no longer take those ski trips with his older sons, there will be opportunities to find new ways to enjoy each other’s company and to continue to invest time and energy building relationships.  Perhaps they will create a bucket list, like Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman did in the movie that made that term memorable, and instead of annually visiting baseball parks or ski areas they will be scratching off places or events they both want to see and experience.

Do you and your children have a Father/Son or Father/Daughter bucket list?  What meaningful tradition can you establish with each of your children which will allow you to annually celebrate time together and renew the bond of parent and child?

I would like to close with a quote from baseball great Harmon Killebrew, who gallantly fought and then graciously tipped his hat to cancer recently:

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass"; "We're not raising grass," Dad would reply. "We're raising boys";”—Harmon Killebrew

The Little Blind Girl and Her Father - What Did She See and Why?

“When a father gives his daughter an emotional visa to strike out on her own, he is always with her. Such a daughter has her encouraging, understanding daddy in her head, cheering her on—not simply as a woman but as a whole, unique human being with unlimited possibilities.” -Victoria Secunda 

I read a story a few years ago that powerfully touched my heart.  I would like to share it with you in hopes you will see the lesson it can teach us about the importance of fathers who care and who build trust and relationship with their children from birth until death:

A beautiful little blind girl was sitting on the lap of her father in a crowded compartment in a train. A friend seated nearby said to the father, "Let me give you a little rest," and he reached over and took the little girl on his lap.

A few moments later the father said to her, "Do you know who is holding you?"

"No," she replied, "but you do."

The little girl knew she was safe because she knew her father knew who was holding her.

Some may say, "What perfect trust this child had in her father." Others might say, "The little girl is an incredible example of blind faith."

Was it remarkable or just the natural result of years of consistent “positive parenting”?

I think perhaps the most important question which each father who reads this story should ask is, “What am I doing to create such a positive balance in my relationship account with my child that she/he would have similar trust, faith and love?”

Many of us...have come to believe that asking one’s self the question , “Am I a good father?” represents one of the most widespread and important acts of ethical self-reflection among men—Alan C. Hawkins, Ph.D. and David C. Dollahite, Ph.D.

A Message from Hanoi

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone—Harriet Beecher Stowe

 

On August 2,1967 then Captain Jay Hess flew the number four position in a flight of four F-105 Thunderchief fighter-bombers assigned to destroy the heavily defended Thai Nygen Power Plant in North Viet Nam.  Captain Hess quickly identified the target in limited visibility and then with total disregard for his own safety delivered his plane’s ordinance contributing immeasurably to the destruction of that target.  Unfortunately, Captain Hess’ aircraft had taken a direct hit from the intense anti-aircraft defenses and he would never make it back to his home base that day.  Instead his F-105 crashed and he was captured, tortured repeatedly, and placed in solitary confinement for two months in that prisoner of war camp known as the Hanoi Hilton. 

Ask Lt. Colonel Jay Hess today how long he was held in captivity and he answers without hesitation: "2,029 days — over five years." While he would return home in 1973 to receive a Silver Star for his gallantry, perhaps the greatest legacy surrounding Lt. Colonel Hess’ POW ordeal is the story I want to call “A Message from Hanoi.”

For more than two years Jay Hess’ wife and family didn’t know if he was alive or dead.  Finally, his North Vietnamese captors allowed him to write a note to his family.  But the note could only be sent if it contained 25 words or less.

What would you say in these circumstances, not knowing if you would ever be reunited with your spouse and family or if you would ever be able to send another note?  Wanting to provide something his family could recognize as having come from him and also wanting to give them valuable counsel, Lt. Colonel Hess wrote: “These things are important: temple, marriage, mission, college.  Press on, set goals, write history, take pictures twice a year.”

So, as we approach Father’s Day, I would like to ask every father and grandfather:   What are the empowering, inspiring words you can share from your values and your life wisdom?  Can you compress those thoughts into 25 words or less and send  “A Message From Hanoi” note to your loved  ones?

The Message From Hanoi Suggestion

What is it that really counts in terms of a life “well lived”? 

Think of single words or word pairs that describe the values or principles you feel you have tried to live your life by,  If you find that 25 words is just too difficult to compress into a meaningful note, splurge.  Lt. Col. Hess would have written more.  His captors just wouldn’t let him.

What could you say in just a handful of words that would help your child(ren) know how much you loved them and how proud they have made you?

Is there a special phrase or a term of endearment which you remember from your youth or parent(s) which captures the essence of the love you have for your child(ren) or of the hopes and dreams you have for the life they will live.

The Trip to the Circus

Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed.—Thomas S. Monson

Arthur Gordon in his book entitled A Touch of Wonder pays this tribute to his father:

“When I was around thirteen and my brother ten, Father had promised to take us to the circus. But at lunchtime there was a phone call; some urgent business required his attention downtown. We braced ourselves for disappointment. Then we heard him say [into the phone], ‘No, I won’t be down. It’ll have to wait.’

“When he came back to the table, Mother smiled. ‘The circus keeps coming back, you know,’ [she said.]

“‘I know,’ said Father. ‘But childhood doesn’t.’—Arthur Gordon, A Touch of Wonder (1974), 77–78

Stephen Covey tells a similar story from his own life about a special trip he made with one of his children and a lucrative business opportunity came up just before he was to take his child to the event they had come for.  Should he do as his client suggested and come for just a few hours to consummate the deal?  Or should he honor the commitment he had made to his child.  It is moments like this that define not only our true character as a father but forever etch in the hearts and minds of our children just how much they matter to us.

Take Time To Plan a Special Event or Trip With Your Child or Grandchild

As we approach Father’s Day, why not take advantage of the opportunity to plan a special event or trip with your child or grandchild.  You don’t have to go far away.  Perhaps, it would be that new “Putt-Putt Golf” course.  Or if you have a friend who is a fireman see if you can tour the local firestation.  If your child or grandchild is fascinated by planes or trains, you could plan a trip on their favorite mode of transportation.  The possibilities are endless.  The memories you make will be priceless.

The Role of Fathers in Today’s Society

"This his praise, if praise be needed, As a father he succeeded.”—Edgar Allan Guest from his poem entitled “Old Man Green”

We need successful fathers today more than we have ever needed them.

David Blankenhorn, in his book entitled Fatherless America describes “fatherlessness” as “the most harmful demographic trend of this generation” and the leading cause of damage to children. “It is,” says Blankenhorn, “the engine driving our most urgent social problems, from crime to adolescent pregnancy to child sexual abuse to domestic violence…”

Tonight more than 40% of children in America will go to sleep in homes in which their fathers do not live.  Blankenhorn sums up this alarming statistic in these words:

“Never before in this country have so many children been voluntarily abandoned by their fathers.  Never before have so many children grown up without knowing what it means to have a father.”

Jeffrey R. Holland, a former University President who called the book Fatherless America to my attention, noted:

Of even greater concern than the physical absenteeism of some fathers is the spiritually or emotionally absent father. These are fatherly sins of omission that are probably more destructive than sins of commission. Why are we not surprised that when 2,000 children of all ages and backgrounds were asked what they appreciated most about their fathers, they answered universally, “He spends time with me”?

The greatest regret I have from the years when my children were going to sleep under my roof was that I didn’t make more time for them.  It seems to be a natural phenomenon that what children are deprived of they seem to particularly compensate for as adults.  I see this principle in my own son’s life and I’m grateful for it.  He is making greater efforts than I made to spend quality time with his children. 

During the two weeks that straddle Father’s Day 2011 I will be posting stories of “successful fathers” in hopes that all fathers and grandfathers will double their efforts to deepen their connections with their children and grandchildren.  Each post will offer a suggestion of a thoughtful way in which fathers can give the gift which will always be most appreciated by their child:  the Gift of You.  And, if you know of a child who is fatherless can you find a way to become a positive influence in that child’s life.

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The Father’s Day Tooth Fairy Note

Did you grow up with the tradition of a visit from the tooth fairy every time you lost a tooth?  Remember the excitement you felt when you woke up and discovered the Tooth Fairy had brought you a shiny Silver Dollar or a treat.

What if you write notes from your heart to each of your children, and place them under their pillows after they have gone to sleep the night before Father’s Day.  When they proudly give you your Father’s Day present, you can surprise them by telling them there is something lying under their pillow.  Make sure you preserve a copy of your note.  Someday your child will be extremely happy you remembered them on Father’s Day and you preserved that special note for them to share with their family.