Connecting at All Ages and Stages of Life
"Talk does not cook rice." – Chinese proverb
I love the directness of the Chinese proverb quoted above. I do not want to be found guilty of just talking about the importance of connecting with my children and grandchildren. I am going to be much more intentional about creating opportunities for connection. If you are a father or grandfather I encourage you to take the steps necessary to create much more powerful and frequent connections with your posterity and want to share with you inspiration I have drawn from others who have earned “Masters Degrees” in connection.
There are two common denominators I have found among the fathers and grandfathers I have interviewed who have initiated a practice of meaningfully connecting with their child(ren). First, each describes a degree of satisfaction from their connection efforts which I would describe as the “joy of fatherhood.” Some of these fathers began their efforts to build connections when their children were young. Others have come to the intention of deliberately connecting when their children or grandchildren have entered adulthood. But the second common denominator among those who have earned Masters Degrees in connection with their children is the fact that they have made consistent efforts to connect and stay connected and they don’t let other demands interfere with their commitment to connection.
What I have also discovered in these interviews is that there isn’t just one way to connect with your child or grandchild. The pattern of connection can be simple or exotic. But it always seems to be associated with spoken, written or other tangible expressions of love.
Here is an example from a father who began the practice of connecting for a special trip with his children shortly after they became teenagers. I’ve taken the liberty of calling this first father I want to spotlight Tom.
Tom lost his father at a relatively early age. When he became a father he determined he would give his children what he had not known as a teenager and that was a powerful connection with their Dad. And, Tom determined he would find a way to continue to stay connected with his children throughout their adult lives. Tom’s appreciation for just how precious these moments can be has been heightened by a medical crisis in his own life. When you realize that this year’s trip might be the last opportunity for you to jointly create memories—for both you and your children—it makes the ritual of annually connecting with your child even more important.
Tom has three sons. When his oldest son was about to make that transition from elementary school to middle school Tom asked him what one thing he would most enjoy doing if he could spend three days doing anything he wanted to do. The answer was instantaneous: skiing. So together they chose a place where his son would love to ski. When Tom told me this story, he had just returned from what I believe was the 15th annual father/son ski trip with his oldest son.
What did Tom’s middle son choose to do for his father/son trip when he was old enough to begin this annual tradition with his dad. He was an avid skier/snowboarder as well and that is what he wanted to do. I asked Tom if he took both of his sons on an annual trip after that. “No,” he replied. He understood that while there is joy in being with both of his sons, when he had the two them together the energy and excitement they were experiencing as siblings on a shared adventure would make it difficult for him to connect meaningfully with either son. The purpose of the annual tradition he established is to create powerful one-on-one conversations with each son and not just provide them with a fun trip.
Tom and his wife were blessed with a third child, another son. This son, however, had some physical challenges from birth that would make it difficult for him to ever ski. Tom observed his third child was fascinated by baseball.
On the particular trip when I shared the seats in row 9 with Tom, the baseball season was just getting underway. He excitedly told me about an upcoming trip to Pittsburgh where he and his youngest son would get to watch the Rockies play the Pirates. They have now been to about 15 major league parks. Some years in their three day trips they are able to catch more than one baseball stadium such as when they plan a trip to Chicago, New York, Los Angeles or San Francisco. Their hope is to eventually scratch every major league baseball stadium off their father and son bucket list.
My new friend in seat 9B illustrated through his story how we can connect with our children at any age and throughout the stages of life. When they have scratched off every baseball park, or if the Dad’s health should deteriorate and he can no longer take those ski trips with his older sons, there will be opportunities to find new ways to enjoy each other’s company and to continue to invest time and energy building relationships. Perhaps they will create a bucket list, like Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman did in the movie that made that term memorable, and instead of annually visiting baseball parks or ski areas they will be scratching off places or events they both want to see and experience.
Do you and your children have a Father/Son or Father/Daughter bucket list? What meaningful tradition can you establish with each of your children which will allow you to annually celebrate time together and renew the bond of parent and child?
I would like to close with a quote from baseball great Harmon Killebrew, who gallantly fought and then graciously tipped his hat to cancer recently:
My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass"; "We're not raising grass," Dad would reply. "We're raising boys";”—Harmon Killebrew