Seedlings

The Gift of Forgiveness: Part 2

An Incredible Example of Forgiveness in the Aftermath of Apartheid

"He who will not forgive others breaks down the bridge over which he himself must travel.”—Spencer W. Kimball 

Have you ever struggled to forgive not just a petty act or phrase but something that was truly an injustice?  Have you been trapped inside the prison of unforgiveness? 

Marianne Williamson, whose wisdom was quoted by Nelson Mandela in his inaugural address, counsels:  “Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.”  

During apartheid in South Africa a black woman had to endure the pain of having her son shot by white police officers, who then set his body on fire and celebrated around it.  A few years later, those same men tied her husband to a pile of wood, doused him with gasoline, and then set him on fire.

When the apartheid system crumbled, a commission was established to rectify the wrongs of the past and to try to bring about justice and reconciliation between blacks and whites.  One of the purposes of this Truth and Reconciliation Commission was to find an adequate punishment for the wrongs that had been perpetrated in the past. 

The men who had committed these atrocities on her son and husband were tried by the Commission and as they approached the sentencing phase the now elderly black woman was allowed to confront the leader of the group, a Mr. Van de Broek.  He and the other men had confessed their guilt and the Commission asked the woman what she thought an appropriate punishment might be. 

“I want three things,” she replied. “I want Mr. Van de Broek to take me to the place where they burned my husband’s body. I would like to gather up the dust and give him a decent burial."

“Second, Mr. Van de Broek took all my family away from me, and I still have a lot to give. Twice a month, I would like him to come to the ghetto and spend the day with me so I can be a mother to him."

“Third, I would like Mr. Van de Broek to know he is forgiven by God and that I forgive him, too. And, I would like someone to come and lead me by the hand to where Mr. Van de Broek is so that I can embrace him and he can know my forgiveness is real.” 

 

"To let go of the ones who hurt us is to let go of our identity as the one who was hurt, the one who was violated, the one who was broken. It often feels like the bad guys are getting off scot-free while we are left holding the bag of pain. But forgiveness is not just for them. . . . Forgiveness . . . allows us to be set free from the endless cycle of pain, anger, and recrimination that keeps us imprisoned in our own suffering."—Wayne Muller, from his book, the Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood

 

 

 

The Gift of Forgiveness

Forgiveness Might Just Start With Self-Examination

Physical scars usually disappear over time or with skillful surgery.  But the scars that never were physical wounds heal only when we forgive unconditionally.  Until we remove those scars through unconditional forgiveness we can’t love nor be loved in the fullest measure.  Forgiveness is an act which produces a greater effect in the actor than in the beneficiary of the act—John A. Warnick

You are no doubt familiar with this challenge:  “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”  These words were spoken by a Man who would later forgive even those who wrongfully took his life. 

I recently spoke with a client who was harboring resentment towards a sibling and who was struggling with my suggestion she might benefit greatly if she could find a pathway to forgive.  I sensed that she, like many of us, justify our refusal to forgive on the grounds that there are some things that just aren’t humanly possible to do. 

In his 1957 sermon, “Loving Your Enemies,” Martin Luther King, Jr. acknowledged just how difficult it is to love your enemy and offered this suggestion:  “(w)e begin to love our enemies and love those persons who hate us, whether in collective life or individual life, by looking at ourselves...In order to love your enemies, you must begin by analyzing self.”  He noted that in this analysis we may find that we have done something in the past “deep down” that made this person our enemy.

Even if we haven’t wronged our enemy, Dr. King urged us to realize “each of us is something of a schizophrenic personality...there is something of a civil war going on within all of our lives.  There is a recalcitrant South of our soul revolting against the North of our soul...There is something within all of us that causes us to cry out with Plato that the human personality is like a charioteer with two headstrong horses, each wanting to go in different directions....There is something within each of us that makes us to cry out with Apostle Paul, ‘I see and approve the better things of life, but the evil things I do.’”

As we look carefully into the mirror of self-introspection, it empowers us to take a different attitude towards others, even those who have wronged us.  Again, in the words of Dr. King:  “The person who hates you most has some good in him; even the nation hates you most has some good in it; even the race that hates you most has some good in it.  And when you come to the point that you look in the face of every man and see deep down within him what religion calls “the image of God,” you begin to love him...find the center of goodness and place your attention there and you will take a new attitude.”

Forgiveness is a powerful gift.  It is a gift not only to the person we forgive but also to ourselves.  For in forgiving we free ourselves from the prisons of anger, blame, hate, resentment, and vengeance. 

Is there someone within your circle of influence who has wronged you and whom you haven’t forgiven?  What would the gift of forgiveness mean to that individual and to you?  How might the suggestions of Dr. King that we examine our own life and concentrate on the goodness in the life of the person who has wronged us be first steps down the pathway to forgiveness.

An apology must be sincere, and it must be perceived as sincere.  “If you going to bow, bow low,” says Eastern wisdom.  “Pay the uttermost farthing,” says the Christian Ethic—Stephen R. Covey