Seedlings

Three Red Marbles

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”—Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Three Red Marbles story is one I first heard many years ago.  A friend recently shared another version of it with me.  I’ve taken the liberty of shortening it a tad but hope it still penetrates into your heart as deeply as it does mine.

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, ragged but clean, hungrily surveying a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the grocery store owner) and that small boy next to me.

"Hello Jimmy, how are you today?"
 
"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya."

"How's your Ma, Jimmy?"

"Doin’ better Sir.  Gittin' stronger alla' time."

"Good. Anything I can help you with?"

"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."

"Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr. Miller.

"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."

"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"

"All I got's my prize marble here."

"Is that right? Let me see it" said Miller.

"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."

"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?" the store owner asked.

"Not zackley but almost . . .";

"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble", Mr. Miller told the boy.

"Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."

I moved to the check-out counter where Mrs. Miller, who had noticed me absorbing the dialogue between Jimmy and her husband, proudly said, "There are two other boys like Jimmy in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Tom just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store."

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with Tom Miller’s compassion. A short time later I moved to Colorado but as the years passed I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Last summer I returned to that Idaho community for a family reunion and learned that Mr. Miller had died.  Several members of my family were going to the visitation.  So I went along to pay my respects to this fine man.  Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to greet Mrs. Miller and offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line I noticed three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts . . . all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, who was standing by her husband's casket.  Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved next to the open casket.

I noticed that one by one, each young man stopped, briefly placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket, then moved on to leave the mortuary, wiping his eyes.

As Mrs. Miller greeted my relatives and then me, I reminded her of that story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she led me to the casket.   "Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Tom "traded" them.  Now, at last, when Tom could not change his mind about color or size . . . they came to pay their debt."

"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Tom would consider himself the richest man in Idaho."   With loving gentleness she lifted his lifeless fingers. Resting underneath were three shiny red marbles.

 

"Our days are numbered. One of the primary goals in our lives should be to prepare for our last day. The legacy we leave is not just in our possessions, but in the quality of our lives. What preparations should we be making now? The greatest waste in all of our earth, which cannot be recycled or reclaimed, is our waste of the time that God has given us each day.”—Billy Graham

The Power of Example

“Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it's the only thing”—Albert Schweitzer

Every day, consciously but much more often unconsciously, each of us is transmitting certain behaviors, feelings and lifestyles to others.  It is your choice and mine whether that influence will be a positive and lasting influence.  To move from the positive but fleeting influence to the memorable and lasting influence requires both intention and action.  It is what I call capturing the Power of Example.  

The brightest influence of your personal legacy will be the illuminating power of example and selfless sacrifice.  The following story, offered by Elaine Dalton as a tribute to her father’s influence on her as a child, is an example of how we can create both a positive and lasting influence:

An elderly widow lived next door to Elaine’s family.  Her home was badly in need of paint and exterior maintenance but she didn’t have the money to pay for it.  Instead of offering to pay for the painting of the widow’s home, Elaine’s father took a week of vacation time from his job and marshaled his family to assist in the painting project.  

At the time Elaine thought that was the greatest family vacation she had ever experienced because her father taught her how to paint.  But this selfless act of service had a much more positive and sustaining influence then simply brightening the widow’s home.  It created a bright example which burns brightly today in Elaine’s consciousness and inspires her to find ways to serve others.  This is how she described her father’s influence:

“My father was my hero. I used to wait on the steps of our home for him to arrive each night. He would pick me up and twirl me around and let me put my feet on top of his big shoes, and then he would dance me into the house. I loved the challenge of trying to follow his every footstep. I still do.” 

The wonderful truth about parenting and grandparenting is that we each can be a hero for those who will follow in our footsteps.

What is the one thing in your personal life you would most like to be remembered for?  How can you create an opportunity to indelibly imprint this example upon the minds of your young children or grandchildren?  When will you start and what will be the first step towards creating this legacy moment or project? Who will help you with this project and hold you accountable to complete the task?  

“The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example.”—Benjamin Disraeli

A Message from Hanoi

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone—Harriet Beecher Stowe

 

On August 2,1967 then Captain Jay Hess flew the number four position in a flight of four F-105 Thunderchief fighter-bombers assigned to destroy the heavily defended Thai Nygen Power Plant in North Viet Nam.  Captain Hess quickly identified the target in limited visibility and then with total disregard for his own safety delivered his plane’s ordinance contributing immeasurably to the destruction of that target.  Unfortunately, Captain Hess’ aircraft had taken a direct hit from the intense anti-aircraft defenses and he would never make it back to his home base that day.  Instead his F-105 crashed and he was captured, tortured repeatedly, and placed in solitary confinement for two months in that prisoner of war camp known as the Hanoi Hilton. 

Ask Lt. Colonel Jay Hess today how long he was held in captivity and he answers without hesitation: "2,029 days — over five years." While he would return home in 1973 to receive a Silver Star for his gallantry, perhaps the greatest legacy surrounding Lt. Colonel Hess’ POW ordeal is the story I want to call “A Message from Hanoi.”

For more than two years Jay Hess’ wife and family didn’t know if he was alive or dead.  Finally, his North Vietnamese captors allowed him to write a note to his family.  But the note could only be sent if it contained 25 words or less.

What would you say in these circumstances, not knowing if you would ever be reunited with your spouse and family or if you would ever be able to send another note?  Wanting to provide something his family could recognize as having come from him and also wanting to give them valuable counsel, Lt. Colonel Hess wrote: “These things are important: temple, marriage, mission, college.  Press on, set goals, write history, take pictures twice a year.”

So, as we approach Father’s Day, I would like to ask every father and grandfather:   What are the empowering, inspiring words you can share from your values and your life wisdom?  Can you compress those thoughts into 25 words or less and send  “A Message From Hanoi” note to your loved  ones?

The Message From Hanoi Suggestion

What is it that really counts in terms of a life “well lived”? 

Think of single words or word pairs that describe the values or principles you feel you have tried to live your life by,  If you find that 25 words is just too difficult to compress into a meaningful note, splurge.  Lt. Col. Hess would have written more.  His captors just wouldn’t let him.

What could you say in just a handful of words that would help your child(ren) know how much you loved them and how proud they have made you?

Is there a special phrase or a term of endearment which you remember from your youth or parent(s) which captures the essence of the love you have for your child(ren) or of the hopes and dreams you have for the life they will live.

The Trip to the Circus

Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed.—Thomas S. Monson

Arthur Gordon in his book entitled A Touch of Wonder pays this tribute to his father:

“When I was around thirteen and my brother ten, Father had promised to take us to the circus. But at lunchtime there was a phone call; some urgent business required his attention downtown. We braced ourselves for disappointment. Then we heard him say [into the phone], ‘No, I won’t be down. It’ll have to wait.’

“When he came back to the table, Mother smiled. ‘The circus keeps coming back, you know,’ [she said.]

“‘I know,’ said Father. ‘But childhood doesn’t.’—Arthur Gordon, A Touch of Wonder (1974), 77–78

Stephen Covey tells a similar story from his own life about a special trip he made with one of his children and a lucrative business opportunity came up just before he was to take his child to the event they had come for.  Should he do as his client suggested and come for just a few hours to consummate the deal?  Or should he honor the commitment he had made to his child.  It is moments like this that define not only our true character as a father but forever etch in the hearts and minds of our children just how much they matter to us.

Take Time To Plan a Special Event or Trip With Your Child or Grandchild

As we approach Father’s Day, why not take advantage of the opportunity to plan a special event or trip with your child or grandchild.  You don’t have to go far away.  Perhaps, it would be that new “Putt-Putt Golf” course.  Or if you have a friend who is a fireman see if you can tour the local firestation.  If your child or grandchild is fascinated by planes or trains, you could plan a trip on their favorite mode of transportation.  The possibilities are endless.  The memories you make will be priceless.

A Legacy is a Lot Like a Sundial

What Are Your Plans for Constructing Your Family’s Legacy Place?

“Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago.”—Warren Buffett

A legacy is a lot like a sundial...when touched by the rays of wisdom and purpose it steadily directs us towards a life of significance.  Despite the incessant march of time it operates timelessly, powered by the constancy of love and generativity.  Each who studies it benefits according to the attention they give it, without regard to the level of wealth or influence they have attained.  Its brightest influence is marked by the illuminating power of example and selfless sacrifice.  It is absolutely useless when dark clouds of disinterest and disrespect overshadow it.  It was erected with the faith its influence will be positive and the hope it will be preserved for the benefit of the yet unborn.

In the last two posts we discussed how a cemetery helped preserve one family’s stories.  A grandmother made a habit of taking her young grandson, Joe, to help weed around the burial plots and headstones in this Georgia cemetery. While Joe was weeding she was forever etching in his mind the stories which reflected defining moments in the lives of each deceased ancestor. 

I have suggested each of us has an opportunity to help build a Legacy Place which will preserve life wisdom and memorable experiences as did Joe’s family cemetery in Georgia for his family.  Finding and preserving our ancestors’ stories not only will enrich us but it makes the Legacy Place we will leave behind more empowering to the rising generations of our families.

A Legacy Place doesn’t have to be a physical location like the family cemetery where members of the family can visit.  It could be virtual.  Or it could be an actual family museum as one family in Idaho built not too long ago.  The key is that you need to develop a plan for what you want your family’s Legacy Place to look like and how you want it to impact the next generations of your family.

Do you remember the need Joe felt to pick up the rusty tool when he discovered crabgrass was threatening to take over the family cemetery?  I believe there isn’t just one tool for us to pick up in our quest to build our family’s Legacy Place. And for one family it might need to be a pick axe, while for other families it might be a rake, hoe, or shovel.

Here are several simple but effective steps you can take towards building your Legacy Place if you still have older generation family members alive, even if they aren’t your direct ancestors: 

1. Conduct an oral history interview with a family member (preferably a grandparent, parent, aunt, or uncle to capture their story, and then learn as much about the family's stories of their ancestors as you possibly can).  Use a digital recorder, and possibly a video camera if it won’t inhibit the interview process.  You may find that initially the stories you hear are no different than those you have heard at every Thanksgiving dinner.  To get deeper I would suggest a generous helping of patience and the purchase of a book that will provide you with igniting questions.  There are many great books but I have particularly enjoyed two.   Linda Spence’s Legacy and Susan Turnbull’s Step by Step Guide for Creating Your Ethical Will are both excellent resources I would strongly suggest for help in framing interview questions.
2.  Hold a family reunion.  Invite your living ancestors, and their siblings, if possible, to participate in a “Name That Photo” session.  Gather as many photographs in advance of the reunion but the older the better.  If you can convert these photos to digital images which you can project on a large screen.  You can also easily share those images with all the people attending the reunion who are going to want to add these images to the Legacy photograph collection.   In the Name That Photo portion of your family reunion you share the picture which the featured ancestor panelists at the same time as you project its image on the large screen.  These pictures will trigger a flood of memories and  you will record the ancestors sharing stories about the event or individuals captured in the photos.  There are all sorts of variations on this idea which will flow from the unique circumstances of your family’s Name That Photo activity.
3. If distance makes gathering the family physically difficult, consider holding a Family Legacy Skype call.  Find a time when as many members of your family, including adolescents and children, can participate.  Prepare a timeline and coach your ancestor/parent in advance of the Skype session.  The timeline might start at age 6 or 7 and have a big dot or marker every 6 to 7 years thereafter (e.g. ages 7,14,21,28,35,42,49,56,63,70,77,84 etc.).  In advance you ask the ancestor/parent who is going to be the star of the Skype session to think of a significant event in their life, or their family’s life, which occurred around each of those points on the timeline.  You might edit the timeline to put a title to the significant event or events they recall occurring around that point in their life.  Then as the Skype session proceeds you prompt your ancestor/parent as needed and they move through the timeline sharing their memories.
4. Organize a “Trip Down Memories’ Lane”.  One family I know rented a bus and piled more than 30 members of the family into the bus with the eldest living generation family members using a microphone to narrate their memories as the bus drove from one site to another in their hometown.  Another family I know that organized a similar event ordered colored T-shirts honoring the gathering  and each branch of the family wore their particular color so first and second cousins who had never or seldom seen each other, or their respective spouses or significant other, could know who belonged to whom.  In addition to these bus tours these extended family gatherings usually schedule significant time for more intimate conversations and for meals featuring favorite family recipes.  These Trips Down Memories’ Lane often  result in the organization  of family social connectivity through blogs, Facebook sites, or other social media sites.  The memories and connectivity created through a Trip Down Memories’ Lane help enrich a family’s relational wealth.  But don’t let the event become the end of your effort to capture and preserve your family’s legacy.  It should be just one more positive step towards unifying all members of the family in the quest to build greater awareness of our heritage, shared values, and opportunities to support and encourage each member of the family in their journey towards significance and a life of abundance.

Do you have a suggestion on other ways in which we can preserve our family’s legacy and in the process build a Legacy Place that future generations of our family will benefit from?  If so, I would love to have you share those ideas with us.

“We found that when you ask people to talk about inheritance, everyone clams up, ... Inheritance is about money, and it's seen as greedy. But ask them to talk about legacy ... it's as if we hit some kind of magic button, and people open up about leaving behind family values and traditions -- and money was just a piece of that.”—Ken Dychtwald

 



The Forgotten Infant: Another Lesson from a Family Cemetery

“In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future…my fondest hope is that Roots may start black, white, brown, red, and yellow people digging back for their own roots.”—Alex Haley, author of Roots

My friend Joe Paul told me another story about his family’s cemetery.  On one trip to the family cemetery in Georgia he noticed crabgrass infesting one corner of the cemetery.  A rusty tool lay nearby so Joe picked it up and began to use it to clear the crabgrass and other weeds.  After a few minutes of work Joe hit something hard just beneath the surface.  He raked the dirt away to discover a small buried headstone lying face down.  He turned it over and cleaned it enough to discover it was the marker for an infant who had been buried next to his parents.  Somehow over time the headstone had fallen unnoticed and had been covered with dirt and crabgrass.

The story of the lost headstone and Joe’s efforts to restore it to its proper place next to the deceased infant’s parents’ headstones ignited my thinking.  The infant in Joe’s family cemetery didn’t have any descendants who would have come to the cemetery looking for his/her grave.  If it hadn’t been for Joe’s commitment to honor not just his ancestors, but his family in a broader sense, it is quite possible that overlooked marker would still be buried.

I believe the recovery of that infant’s forgotten tombstone is a metaphor for the opportunity we have to assist in gathering and preserving the life stories of our deceased ancestors who can’t and didn’t do that work for themselves.  And, if we take a broader view of family (as perhaps Jay Hughes suggests through his family of affinity concept) we don’t have to limit our efforts to just those from whom we descend through a lineal bloodline.

None of us or our family members should be forgotten.  The tombstones of their stories and life experiences should not lay buried under the humus of disinterest or disrespect.

I believe each of us may have a forgotten family member we could learn a great deal from.  In just the span of four generations, each of us has 30 ancestors.  That means there are thirty different opportunities for each of us to connect with the roots of our heritage. 

Just as Alex Haley, the author of Roots, discovered the incredible power of connecting with the stories of his ancestors, that same opportunity awaits each of us.  Services such as Ancestry.com are making it easier and easier to discover the basic facts about each of our ancestors.  But the work of finding their stories grows more difficult the further back in time we go.  If you have a parent or grandparent alive today, you may be able to trace your legacy back three or four generations by tapping into their memories of the ancestors they knew.  But once our parent or grandparent passes away, the opportunity to capture the stories of your ancestor’s struggles and successes evaporates and is most likely lost.  Thus, it is vital we begin that task now so that those who will follow behind us in 100 years won’t be left with a buried tombstone which yields no stories, just dates.

I want to call this effort to discover and preserve our family heritage Building a Legacy Place.  In our next blog I will share some exciting ways in which you can begin to uncover the stories and wisdom of your family.  In the process you will be beautifying and building your Legacy Place.

“Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children”—Alex Haley, author of Roots

Reflections on a Visit to the Family Cemetery

Plus An Invitation to Create Your Family’s Legacy Place

“When we are gone, and people weep for us and grieve,

Let it be because we

Touched Their Lives

Let it not be said that life was good to us,

But rather, we were Good to Them”

—From a Funeral Program

 
We are fast approaching Memorial Day, a day when we remember our dead.  In a visit with my friend, Joe Paul, a family business consultant in Portland, Oregon, Joe reminisced about a trip he had taken recently to his family’s cemetery in Georgia.  The story Joe shared with me is a powerful one about not just the honor and respect we should pay to our ancestors but of the value we draw from the meaning of their lives.  That meaning isn’t reflected in their headstones but rather in their experiences, values and wisdom.

At an early stage in Joe’s life, his grandmother began a custom of periodically taking Joe to the family cemetery to weed.  As they would weed around the various plots and headstones Joe’s grandmother shared stories from the life of the individual whose grave they were honoring through their service.  There was something almost magical about the way those stories have stuck with Joe throughout his life, as if the formula of service and story, repeated often, coats our memories with an enduring protective power.

Joe shared with me an important moment in his life when he felt a strong desire, almost need, to return to that family cemetery to have a conversation with his deceased parents about a vexing problem.  It wasn’t a conversation of words but rather of emotions.  Memories of the stories his grandmother had shared came racing back as he walked among the headstones.   This trip to the cemetery didn’t provide immediate closure for the dilemma he faced, but it did put Joe on the reflective path which would ultimately yield the answers he sought.  

Not all of us have a family cemetery we can go to when we hit critical junctures in life.  But I would like to suggest we all can create our Family’s Legacy Place—a  virtual place we can visit where the life wisdom and experiential reflections of our ancestors is preserved.  A Legacy Place isn’t a physical destination.  Your Legacy Place and mine isn’t marked by iron gates and headstones.  Rather it is made up of Legacystones.  Legacystones come in lots of different shapes and sizes.  Legacystones are priceless heirlooms such as: 1) “My Favorite Quotes” collections; 2) wisdom treasure chests; 3) personal diaries; 4) gratitude journals; 5) pedigree charts and historical records; 6) family love letters; 7) scrapbooks; 8) video memoirs and digitally recorded life stories; 9) Purposeful Conversations; and 10) digital photo collections with written narration or tags.

A headstone is always placed on our grave by someone else. One difference between a headstone and a Legacystone is that we can create and erect our own Legacystones.  So don’t focus on just gathering and erecting Legacystones for your progenitors.  Be sure to work on your own Legacystones as well.

Through the service of creating and organizing our Family’s Legacy Place we leave behind a powerful source of strength, comfort and inspiration for those who will follow in our footsteps.  That effort can be for us, as it was for Joe, something we will carry with us throughout our lives.  For I truly believe that the creator of a legacy receives far more from the effort to build a legacy than just the hope that someone will say at our funeral that we touched their lives.

“Life lessons from our ancestors, as well as our personal story and life wisdom, are the building blocks for erecting lasting legacies for the rising generations of our family”—John A. Warnick

 

Looking Back At Mother’s Day - The Reverse Gift Opportunity

“Do something wonderful, people may imitate it.” - Albert Schweitzer

In a recent post I stressed the powerful opportunity we all have to reflect on the gifts our mothers have given us.  Today, however, I want to suggest to mothers a way in which they can give a gift which will last long after their deaths.  I call this the “Reverse Gift Opportunity”.

A few years ago I was explaining to a client how she could leave a memorandum which would designate whom she wanted to receive her jewelry and other collectibles and keepsakes.  She responded:

“I have such beautiful jewelry and I want to make sure that I don't leave the girls in a position where they might fight over our heirlooms.  And, you know I'm wondering if I could leave the letter I would like to leave to the girls with that memo."

"What kind of letter do you have in mind?" I asked her. 

"Well," she responded, "I just feel like I have to leave a letter to each of my girls like my mother left to me.  You see my dad abandoned us before I was a year old.  My mother did the best job she could to raise me.  But I never saw my dad...don't even remember him and never had any desire to try to find him.  But just after I turned nine my mother died from a terminal illness.  I was forced to live with my grandmother and those were miserable years.  My heart ached for my mother and my grandmother seemed so mean.  I was sure my mother would never approve of all the strict rules my grandmother imposed on me.  By the time I was 14 I was doing everything my grandmother didn't want me to do just to spite her:  I ran with the wrong crowd, didn't do my homework, skipped school frequently, and really was plotting to run away from my grandmother's home.”

“On the morning of my 16^th birthday my grandmother greeted me with a ‘Happy Birthday Karen’ and handed me an envelope.  At first I thought it was from my grandmother but fortunately I looked at the cover and noticed what I thought was my name addressed in my mother's handwriting.  Instead of throwing the envelope away as I had initially intended, I opened it up.  And, there was a handwritten letter of three pages.  In it my mother said something like this:

Dearest Karen,

I've asked your grandmother to deliver this letter to you on your sixteenth birthday.  How I wished I could have lived to see you blow out those 17 candles on your birthday cake on this day.  There are so many things, Karen, that I wanted to do with you.  I wanted to be there to see you walk down the commencement ceremony at your high school graduation in your cap and gown.  I wanted to drive you to College and help you get situated in your dorm.  I wanted to be there when you graduated from College.  I wanted to give you away at your wedding.  I wanted to be there when you brought your first baby home from the hospital..."

By this time Karen was overcome by emotion and even I was reaching for the kleenex box.  When she regained her composure Karen finished the story.  "This letter changed my life.  I suddenly had a reason to be the person my mother had dreamed I would be rather than the person I felt my grandmother was forcing me to be.  I changed my friends.  I began to study and do my homework.  My grades improved immediately and I was able to get a scholarship to a couple of colleges.  I met Charles while a junior at college and went on to earn my college degree.  We got married and have two beautiful daughters.  All the things that my mother dreamed for me have come true."

So it was that night I learned how a letter from the grave, or at least a letter delivered years after the writer's death, could have had such a powerful transformative impact on the life of a child.  Since then I've always tried to share what I have called the “Nine Year Old Orphan’s Letter” idea with the parents of minor children. 

Today, I want to suggest that every mother on Mother’s Day should consider writing a letter to her children and grandchildren.  In these letters or notes you could share your feelings about:

A time when you were a child and you made me so proud

The memories I have of your birth and how grateful I am that you came into my life

My hopes and dreams for your future and how precious the days and hours are that I get to spend with you

If your child is young, all the hopes and dreams I have of things I will be able to do with you and witness in your life

Why I feel like I won the Child Lottery and am the luckiest parent in the whole wide world

What are the traditions, holiday celebrations and rituals you most hope that your children and grandchildren will perpetuate in their lives and what are some of your favorite memories of your time with your child during one of those holidays, rituals or traditions

Don’t just write these letters or notes but read them to your child or grandchild in person, if possible, or over the phone if they live a great distant from you.  Let them hear the emotion behind the words.  And then most importantly, preserve those letters and notes after you have delivered them.

"The great art of giving consists in this: the gift should cost very little and yet be greatly coveted, so that it may be the more highly appreciated." - Baltasar Gracian

 

The King’s Speech – Part One

The Importance of Finding Your Voice

When the 2011 Academy Awards nominations were announced recently, "The King's Speech" dominated the nominations, earning 12 nods including best picture and best lead actor for Colin Firth as King George IV, who battles to eradicate his stammer when he suddenly takes the throne.  If you haven’t seen this movie, I highly
recommend it.  And for those who have already seen it, you might choose, as I did recently, to watch it a second time paying closer attention to the powerful lesson this movie offers on the importance of finding our voice.

What makes for an award winning film is great acting.  "The King's Speech" is full of great acting.  What makes for a timeless story, are the heroic characters whose struggles and successes are portrayed in the film.  If there were an academy award for “Most Compelling Story” or “Most Timeless Life Lessons”, "The King's Speech" would be certain to run away with all those awards.

Because the characters are central to understanding the significance of this story, I am going to refer to them by name and won’t divert your attention to the actors who marvelously bring their stories to life in "The King's Speech".

The eventual King George VI was born Albert Frederick Arthur George but was known to his family as “Bertie” and to the public as Prince Albert.  From his earliest childhood he was overshadowed by his older brother, Prince Edward.

In his first meeting with Lionel Logue, the man who will try to help him overcome a severe speech impediment, the Prince is asked: “When did you start to stammer?” Bertie responds, “I was about four or five when it started.”

As Logue explores the Prince’s childhood he learns Bertie was placed in leg irons to correct knock-knees.  Bertie was physically and emotionally tormented by a nanny who favored his older brother and would pinch and starve him.  Perhaps most significantly he was starved for affection and labeled “stupid.” Logue felt the Prince’s speech impediments could be traced directly to his father, King George V, who would angrily bark ‘Get it out!’ whenever his son stammered. 

There is a direct connection between Bertie’s speech impediment and the assessment of stupidity.  Prince Albert tells Logue that on one occasion in his childhood he failed to respond when asked ‘What’s half of a half?’ simply because of his inability to pronounce the word ‘quarter’. 

Bertie’s speech impediment was much worse than an inability to pronounce words.  He could swallow entire syllables without producing a sound—making it exasperatedly hard for his parents to understand him.  He might, for instance, start with the first syllable of one word and skip to the last syllable of the next word.  And there were a few words that were sure to trigger either speech paralysis or sudden and uncontrollable emotional outbursts.  The ‘k’ sound, as in ‘king’ or ‘queen’ always vexed Bertie, an inopportune problem for a prince who was expected to toast his father on formal occasions.

At one particularly decisive moment on the journey to finding his voice, Bertie and Logue are going through a dress rehearsal of his coronation ceremony.  They are inside Westminister Abbey.  Bertie is struggling with the fear he will embarrass himself, and his people, when he rises the next day to address his people as their new king.  He reveals that fear in these words:

“I’ll be like Mad King George the Stammer”

As he finishes this tirade of negativity, he turns to discover Lionel Logue slouching on St. Edward’s coronation throne.  Angered by Logue’s impertinence, he shouts:

"Get up! Y-you can't sit there! GET UP!"

Logue sits with legs crossed, his hands draped across his knees.  His expressionless countenance hid the plan he had conceived to help the new king discover his voice.  Logue replies cooly: 

"Why not? It's a chair."

The King's anger exploded in these stammer-filled words of frustration:

"T-that... that is Saint Edward's chair."

Lionel shrugged and pointed over his shoulder. "People have carved their names on it."

Bertie's face reddened with rage, spittle flew from his lips, and he stammered:

"L-listen to me... listen to me!"

Then Lionel Logue asked the question which would lead to the breakthrough moment in George VI’s life:

"Why should I waste my time listening to you?"

"Because I have a voice!" thundered George VI

Pausing to let the significance of those words sink in Lionel Logue smilingly affirms: "...yes, you do."  Then he acknowledges the struggle and the enormous potential this moment foreshadowed with these words:

 “You have such perseverance Bertie, you’re the bravest man I know.”

Logue was witnessing King George VI discover not only his voice but the significance of having a voice.   In the course of overcoming his personal weakness this nervous, stammering man would emerge as a courageous symbol of national resistance.   He personally demonstrated the resolve and persistence which would prove necessary to defeat the military might of Hitler’s Third Reich.  

King George VI ‘s struggle to find and express his voice is a metaphor for the journey any adult can take towards creating a purposeful plan and legacy.  Some of us stammer under the weight of sterile documents which transfer our worldly possessions.  Others stutter trying to express their emotional legacy and life wisdom.  King George VI discovered his voice with the assistance of a compassionate but wise professional.  Consider whether a “legacy coach” could help you capture and preserve your voice.  Your family will be forever grateful for your effort to find and preserve your voice.

“I have often thought the best way to define a man's character would be to seek out the particular mental or moral attitude in which, when it comes upon him, he felt himself most deeply and intensely active and alive. At such moments there is a voice inside which speaks and says: 'This is the real me!’.”—William James 

Navigating the Trustscape™

To the Readers of Seedlings:  About three months ago my dear friend, Hartley Goldstone, one of the kindest souls God has placed on this planet, shared a story with me that had a tremendous impact on me.  It made me realize how easy it is for us to forget the potential of a child, grandchild, or trust beneficiary when they do something that we disapprove of. I asked Hartley if he would be willing to write something centered in that story to share with the Seedlings community.  This is his gift to us.  At the end of this blog you will find a short description of Hartley’s professional background.  If you are a trustee or beneficiary you should consider the possibility that by connecting with Hartley professionally you might make your journey through the Trustscape much more positive.  If you are an advisor or attorney who is interested in learning more about the generative potential of trustee/beneficiary relationships you may want to inquire with us about the Trust Savvy Advisor workshops and study groups we are offering.

Guest Posting by Hartley Goldstone, Denver, CO

 

When our children were very young, we lived far from their grandparents.  We asked each grandparent to read children’s books onto audiotape and to include comments as if they were reading in the presence of our children (“Do you see the red balloon that the bunny is holding?”).  They hit a glass with a spoon each time a page was to be turned.  When the recording was completed, they sent the tape and the book to us.

Before long, we had a growing library of taped stories that we often played at bedtime while our child followed along with the book.  “Who would you like to read to you tonight?” we asked.  “Grandma,” might be the response.  This was a great way to keep loved ones in our children’s lives between visits and phone calls.

I recently reflected upon our practice of years gone by when I recalled a story attributed to various indigenous people, including the Lakota Sioux.^[1]  The gist is that a youthful member of the tribe has been vandalizing property and generally showing disrespect to the elders.  A meeting of the entire community is convened.  The youth is seated in the center of the group.  One by one each tribe member takes a turn to tell personal stories about the youth that speaks to all the good, all the pride, and all the pleasure that he has brought to the tribe.  No mention is made of his recent misbehavior.  The meeting lasts well into the night until all have had an opportunity to speak of the youth’s deep value to the tribe.  His father speaks last and then without another word, the members of the tribe silently fade into the night.

What’s the connection between my family’s practice and that of the Lakota Sioux?  What if we encourage our clients to build a library of video, audio and handwritten stories from their children’s lives that illustrate their value to the family and to the larger community?  Grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, siblings, cousins, friends and others would all contribute stories anchored in time and place.  And what if clients asked their children to record stories in the same vein about other family members?

Would that practice be of value to our children?  To have these reminders of their strengths and virtues to call upon during difficult times?  To learn to articulate appreciative stories about others?  Let me know what you think.  And please let me know how it’s going if you try it out.

 

Hartley Goldstone is a former attorney and trust officer.  He offers consulting services and workshops integrating trust related matters with principles of appreciative inquiry for beneficiaries, trustees and advisors. His Navigating the Trustscape™ website will be launched this summer.  Please contact Hartley for information about individual consulting, workshops, curriculum, and to be included on his mailing list.  He may be reached at hgoldstone@gmail.com or 303 710-5380.

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[1] I first heard this story told by Bob Siegfried in 2009 during a class on Appreciative Inquiry offered through Mentorcoach.com.