Seedlings

The Power of Example

“Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it's the only thing”—Albert Schweitzer

Every day, consciously but much more often unconsciously, each of us is transmitting certain behaviors, feelings and lifestyles to others.  It is your choice and mine whether that influence will be a positive and lasting influence.  To move from the positive but fleeting influence to the memorable and lasting influence requires both intention and action.  It is what I call capturing the Power of Example.  

The brightest influence of your personal legacy will be the illuminating power of example and selfless sacrifice.  The following story, offered by Elaine Dalton as a tribute to her father’s influence on her as a child, is an example of how we can create both a positive and lasting influence:

An elderly widow lived next door to Elaine’s family.  Her home was badly in need of paint and exterior maintenance but she didn’t have the money to pay for it.  Instead of offering to pay for the painting of the widow’s home, Elaine’s father took a week of vacation time from his job and marshaled his family to assist in the painting project.  

At the time Elaine thought that was the greatest family vacation she had ever experienced because her father taught her how to paint.  But this selfless act of service had a much more positive and sustaining influence then simply brightening the widow’s home.  It created a bright example which burns brightly today in Elaine’s consciousness and inspires her to find ways to serve others.  This is how she described her father’s influence:

“My father was my hero. I used to wait on the steps of our home for him to arrive each night. He would pick me up and twirl me around and let me put my feet on top of his big shoes, and then he would dance me into the house. I loved the challenge of trying to follow his every footstep. I still do.” 

The wonderful truth about parenting and grandparenting is that we each can be a hero for those who will follow in our footsteps.

What is the one thing in your personal life you would most like to be remembered for?  How can you create an opportunity to indelibly imprint this example upon the minds of your young children or grandchildren?  When will you start and what will be the first step towards creating this legacy moment or project? Who will help you with this project and hold you accountable to complete the task?  

“The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example.”—Benjamin Disraeli

Looking Back At Mother’s Day - The Reverse Gift Opportunity

“Do something wonderful, people may imitate it.” - Albert Schweitzer

In a recent post I stressed the powerful opportunity we all have to reflect on the gifts our mothers have given us.  Today, however, I want to suggest to mothers a way in which they can give a gift which will last long after their deaths.  I call this the “Reverse Gift Opportunity”.

A few years ago I was explaining to a client how she could leave a memorandum which would designate whom she wanted to receive her jewelry and other collectibles and keepsakes.  She responded:

“I have such beautiful jewelry and I want to make sure that I don't leave the girls in a position where they might fight over our heirlooms.  And, you know I'm wondering if I could leave the letter I would like to leave to the girls with that memo."

"What kind of letter do you have in mind?" I asked her. 

"Well," she responded, "I just feel like I have to leave a letter to each of my girls like my mother left to me.  You see my dad abandoned us before I was a year old.  My mother did the best job she could to raise me.  But I never saw my dad...don't even remember him and never had any desire to try to find him.  But just after I turned nine my mother died from a terminal illness.  I was forced to live with my grandmother and those were miserable years.  My heart ached for my mother and my grandmother seemed so mean.  I was sure my mother would never approve of all the strict rules my grandmother imposed on me.  By the time I was 14 I was doing everything my grandmother didn't want me to do just to spite her:  I ran with the wrong crowd, didn't do my homework, skipped school frequently, and really was plotting to run away from my grandmother's home.”

“On the morning of my 16^th birthday my grandmother greeted me with a ‘Happy Birthday Karen’ and handed me an envelope.  At first I thought it was from my grandmother but fortunately I looked at the cover and noticed what I thought was my name addressed in my mother's handwriting.  Instead of throwing the envelope away as I had initially intended, I opened it up.  And, there was a handwritten letter of three pages.  In it my mother said something like this:

Dearest Karen,

I've asked your grandmother to deliver this letter to you on your sixteenth birthday.  How I wished I could have lived to see you blow out those 17 candles on your birthday cake on this day.  There are so many things, Karen, that I wanted to do with you.  I wanted to be there to see you walk down the commencement ceremony at your high school graduation in your cap and gown.  I wanted to drive you to College and help you get situated in your dorm.  I wanted to be there when you graduated from College.  I wanted to give you away at your wedding.  I wanted to be there when you brought your first baby home from the hospital..."

By this time Karen was overcome by emotion and even I was reaching for the kleenex box.  When she regained her composure Karen finished the story.  "This letter changed my life.  I suddenly had a reason to be the person my mother had dreamed I would be rather than the person I felt my grandmother was forcing me to be.  I changed my friends.  I began to study and do my homework.  My grades improved immediately and I was able to get a scholarship to a couple of colleges.  I met Charles while a junior at college and went on to earn my college degree.  We got married and have two beautiful daughters.  All the things that my mother dreamed for me have come true."

So it was that night I learned how a letter from the grave, or at least a letter delivered years after the writer's death, could have had such a powerful transformative impact on the life of a child.  Since then I've always tried to share what I have called the “Nine Year Old Orphan’s Letter” idea with the parents of minor children. 

Today, I want to suggest that every mother on Mother’s Day should consider writing a letter to her children and grandchildren.  In these letters or notes you could share your feelings about:

A time when you were a child and you made me so proud

The memories I have of your birth and how grateful I am that you came into my life

My hopes and dreams for your future and how precious the days and hours are that I get to spend with you

If your child is young, all the hopes and dreams I have of things I will be able to do with you and witness in your life

Why I feel like I won the Child Lottery and am the luckiest parent in the whole wide world

What are the traditions, holiday celebrations and rituals you most hope that your children and grandchildren will perpetuate in their lives and what are some of your favorite memories of your time with your child during one of those holidays, rituals or traditions

Don’t just write these letters or notes but read them to your child or grandchild in person, if possible, or over the phone if they live a great distant from you.  Let them hear the emotion behind the words.  And then most importantly, preserve those letters and notes after you have delivered them.

"The great art of giving consists in this: the gift should cost very little and yet be greatly coveted, so that it may be the more highly appreciated." - Baltasar Gracian

 

A Joyful Life – A Mother’s Gift to Her Daughter

“To live joyfully you must be brave. True joy is not for the fainthearted. You must decide to be happy. Joy is an act of courage. Joy will not abide until you make a conscious decision to treasure it… Gratitude is the gateway to joy” - Elaine Marshall

Sometimes an encounter with another human being can be the spark that ignites a powerful and sustaining fire in us.  Parents too often don’t realize that their most powerful influence might come many years after their child has left the nest.

A story Elaine Marshall told in her 2004 address entitled In This Life I Shall Have Joy describes how a mother’s generative words would rekindle her daughter’s soul and lead to a life transforming attitude shift.  Elaine and her mother had volunteered to work at a niece’s wedding reception.  Elaine had been busy putting pink mints on glass plates while her mother and aunt were laboring in the kitchen.  When Elaine returned to the kitchen she overheard a conversation between her mother and her aunt.  She stopped out of their sight and eavesdropped on their conversation about her.  Here is Elaine’s description of how her mother’s words, spoken at a very difficult moment in Elaine’s life, would have a powerful impact on the way Elaine would live the rest of her life:

“The organdy lace wedding apron was barely holding my soul together. I was quietly just hanging on spiritually and emotionally. It was a time in my life of little joy. My mother and her sister were talking…together nearby. I heard my aunt ask my mother, “How is Elaine?” Mom responded, “I believe she has made a decision to be happy. She has a garden and flowers in her yard. She sews and writes, and she works hard. She keeps a clean house and plays beautiful music. Her children are doing well. I think she has decided to be brave and to be happy.”

I wept a few tears as I eavesdropped on my mother’s conversation. I was lonely, tired, and grief stricken. I didn’t know if I had made a conscious decision to be happy. But hearing my mother’s hopeful description of me, I wanted it to be true. So I did decide to be happy. I decided that night to find joy in every day. It has been difficult. But I was brave. I am not so brave every day, but I do try to remember that joy is a decision that requires courage.”

Have you made a conscious decision to be happy and to live a joy-Full life? 

Have you thought about a way in which you might record and share encouraging words which will lift and sustain another?  What if Elaine had not walked in at the moment her mother was speaking those words?  Could Elaine’s mother have written something similar in a note or letter and wouldn’t that have had as powerful an impact?

"In order to know joy, you have to be there. Joy requires presence. My friends know that if I were not too stingy to buy personalized vanity license plates for my car, I would choose my favorite word. The word is vivace. Vivace is an Italian word used in music. It sounds like music. It means life, lively, quickening. It sounds alive. It reminds me to wake up, to be acute and sensitive, alert, alive. It means vitality, la joie de vivre, vibrance, vigor. It reminds me to touch the palpable gift and reality of life" - Elaine Marshall

Honoring Our Mothers – Pausing to Remember Our Mother’s Greatest Gift(s) to Us

“Sometimes our light goes out but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being.  Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light”—Albert Schweitzer, 1952 Nobel Peace Prize Winner

Mother’s Day is Mother’s Day; not Mothers’ Day.  Notice the emphasis on the singular Mother.  It is a day to honor our Mother.  Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have carried us in the womb, labored and travailed to give us physical life.  And for those of us who were adopted, we can be twice grateful: grateful for the gift of life and for the gift of a mother’s nurturing love.

Mother’s Day is a near universal holiday.  While it isn’t celebrated on the same day of the year throughout the world, almost all cultures today have an official day to reflect on and remember the gifts which our mothers have bestowed on us.

In the Arab world Mother’s Day is celebrated on March 21^st.  An Egyptian journalist, Mustafa Amin, is credited with starting this practice in the Muslim nations.  Amin became motivated to promote the idea of a holiday to honor mothers when he heard the story of a widowed mother who devoted her whole life to raising her son.  The son became a doctor, married, and abandoned his mother without showing any gratitude.

Each of us should pause and reflect, not just on the official day set aside to commemorate our mother, but throughout the year on the many ways in which our mother has influenced our lives.  In a sermon on this Mother’s Day I heard the suggestion we try to remember the most significant gift or influence our mother gave us.

What flashed into my mind in that moment was a project I was working on when I was probably in the third or fourth grade.  It was a project for a geography lesson.  We were supposed to make a map using salt dough.  We would color the map with blue for major rivers and large lakes, mountain ranges would be shaded in browns and large forests in green.  We were encouraged to put tiny figures for cows and horses where there were ranches, tractors where there were corn and wheat farms, and a star where the state capitol was located.  As I recall I was supposed to illustrate the State of Texas.   

My mother took the recipe for salt dough which my teacher had provided and prepared a generous supply of salt dough and the cardboard on which I would construct my map of Texas.  I worked well past my bed time and had just about completed my map when something went terribly wrong.  I don’t remember today just what it was.  I think it may have been a spill of the food coloring which was used to color code the map.  In any event I suffered an emotional melt-down when I saw that my almost perfect map was going to be much less than perfect.  In my frustration I pounded on the map doing much more damage than the spill of the food coloring and burst into sobs.

My mother tried to console me and assured me that she could fix the damage I had done.  My parents put me to bed.  I don’t know how late it was but I suspect it was at least an hour or two later than my normal bed-time and we had been working on this project for three or four hours.

When I arose the next morning my mother, perhaps with some help from my father, had reconstructed the map.  She had started over and tried to redo the whole map.  The second version was much better than the first and I proudly carried it to school the next morning.  I had never reflected until this Mother’s Day on just how late my mother must have stayed up to repair the damage my temper tantrum had done.  I feel deep emotion rolling up inside me today as I contemplate how powerful an energy source at that late hour of the night a mother’s love for her child is.

What was your mother’s greatest gift to you?  What positive influence from your mother is still felt in your life today? 

As you reflect on that greatest gift, and on your mother’s love and positive emotional energy in your life, record those feelings and describe the story of your mother’s gift and influence.  You, and those who are privileged to read this story, will always be grateful you took the time to pause and reflect. It will be a legacy that can last well beyond the grave.

My mother said to me, "If you become a soldier, you'll be a general; if you become a monk, you'll end up as the Pope." Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso—Pablo Picasso