Climbing Higher on the Ladder of Listening

The greatest gift we can offer each other is the framework in which to think for ourselves—Nancy Kline, author of Time to Think and most recently More Time to Think

In the prior Seedlings’s blog we talked about the first rungs on the Ladder of Listening: hearing and listening for content or substance.

Further up the ladder of listening we reach the rung of Empathic Listening. If you ever attend a marriage enrichment retreat you will no doubt spend considerable time honing your skills as an empathic listener. This is listening where we reflect, in a positive and affirming way, what we believe we have heard.

The pure intent behind Empathic Listening is to insure we have not just heard but have listened to the person who is communicating with us. We strip out our natural defensive reflexes. We lay aside judgment. We control our fear of silence. We suppress any impulse to interrupt or to finish a sentence for our friend or family member. We find the inner strength to concentrate, in a spirit of love and compassion, on the words, the tone, and other subtle indicators of emotion such as facial expressions and body language.

My friend and mentor, Courtney Pullen, has taught me there is yet another rung on the Ladder of Listening he calls “Essential Intent.” He notes that beneath and inside our communication there is something essential; often at the core there is a purpose of concern that isn’t spoken and therefore is not being heard or listened to. When individuals perceive we are aware of and sensitive to their purposes and concerns, they communicate and collaborate.

Nancy Kline in her books and teaching suggests that there are 10 key elements necessary to create a thinking environment. A dialogue can be turned into a thinking partnership when the listener applies the skills Nancy teaches us are essential for empowering the best thinking in the person we are listening to.

Is there a gene for becoming an empathic listener or certain natural tendencies that make it easier for some to get to the rung of “Essential Intent” or to create a Thinking Environment for their listening partner? Regardless of your answer, I am convinced we all have innate abilities to become the type of listener which empowers other to share their deepest feelings and to do their most powerful thinking. Thanks to people like Courtney Pullen and Nancy Kline, we have both models and written wisdom to help us begin our climb up the ladder of listening.

How can we get to the rung of “Essential Intent?” What are the practices parents and grandparents can initiate which will allow their loved ones to do their best thinking and communicating?

Listen to me…as you would if I were talking to myself. I am admitting you to my inmost thoughts and am having it out with myself—Seneca the Younger