“Do something wonderful, people may imitate it.” - Albert Schweitzer
In a recent post I stressed the powerful opportunity we all have to reflect on the gifts our mothers have given us. Today, however, I want to suggest to mothers a way in which they can give a gift which will last long after their deaths. I call this the “Reverse Gift Opportunity”.
A few years ago I was explaining to a client how she could leave a memorandum which would designate whom she wanted to receive her jewelry and other collectibles and keepsakes. She responded:
“I have such beautiful jewelry and I want to make sure that I don't leave the girls in a position where they might fight over our heirlooms. And, you know I'm wondering if I could leave the letter I would like to leave to the girls with that memo."
"What kind of letter do you have in mind?" I asked her.
"Well," she responded, "I just feel like I have to leave a letter to each of my girls like my mother left to me. You see my dad abandoned us before I was a year old. My mother did the best job she could to raise me. But I never saw my dad...don't even remember him and never had any desire to try to find him. But just after I turned nine my mother died from a terminal illness. I was forced to live with my grandmother and those were miserable years. My heart ached for my mother and my grandmother seemed so mean. I was sure my mother would never approve of all the strict rules my grandmother imposed on me. By the time I was 14 I was doing everything my grandmother didn't want me to do just to spite her: I ran with the wrong crowd, didn't do my homework, skipped school frequently, and really was plotting to run away from my grandmother's home.”
“On the morning of my 16th birthday my grandmother greeted me with a ‘Happy Birthday Karen’ and handed me an envelope. At first I thought it was from my grandmother but fortunately I looked at the cover and noticed what I thought was my name addressed in my mother's handwriting. Instead of throwing the envelope away as I had initially intended, I opened it up. And, there was a handwritten letter of three pages. In it my mother said something like this:
Dearest Karen,
I've asked your grandmother to deliver this letter to you on your sixteenth birthday. How I wished I could have lived to see you blow out those 17 candles on your birthday cake on this day. There are so many things, Karen, that I wanted to do with you. I wanted to be there to see you walk down the commencement ceremony at your high school graduation in your cap and gown. I wanted to drive you to College and help you get situated in your dorm. I wanted to be there when you graduated from College. I wanted to give you away at your wedding. I wanted to be there when you brought your first baby home from the hospital..."
By this time Karen was overcome by emotion and even I was reaching for the kleenex box. When she regained her composure Karen finished the story. "This letter changed my life. I suddenly had a reason to be the person my mother had dreamed I would be rather than the person I felt my grandmother was forcing me to be. I changed my friends. I began to study and do my homework. My grades improved immediately and I was able to get a scholarship to a couple of colleges. I met Charles while a junior at college and went on to earn my college degree. We got married and have two beautiful daughters. All the things that my mother dreamed for me have come true."
So it was that night I learned how a letter from the grave, or at least a letter delivered years after the writer's death, could have had such a powerful transformative impact on the life of a child. Since then I've always tried to share what I have called the “Nine Year Old Orphan’s Letter” idea with the parents of minor children.
Today, I want to suggest that every mother on Mother’s Day should consider writing a letter to her children and grandchildren. In these letters or notes you could share your feelings about:
A time when you were a child and you made me so proud
The memories I have of your birth and how grateful I am that you came into my life
My hopes and dreams for your future and how precious the days and hours are that I get to spend with you
If your child is young, all the hopes and dreams I have of things I will be able to do with you and witness in your life
Why I feel like I won the Child Lottery and am the luckiest parent in the whole wide world
What are the traditions, holiday celebrations and rituals you most hope that your children and grandchildren will perpetuate in their lives and what are some of your favorite memories of your time with your child during one of those holidays, rituals or traditions
Don’t just write these letters or notes but read them to your child or grandchild in person, if possible, or over the phone if they live a great distant from you. Let them hear the emotion behind the words. And then most importantly, preserve those letters and notes after you have delivered them.
"The great art of giving consists in this: the gift should cost very little and yet be greatly coveted, so that it may be the more highly appreciated." - Baltasar Gracian
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