Hope – Never, Never Give Up on Your Child or Grandchild

“Hope has two beautiful daughters.  Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are.”—Augustine of Hippo 

There is nothing sadder than a parent or grandparent who has given up on their child or grandchild. 

Some years ago a lawyer from San Francisco, James Stillman, introduced me to a term and concept that radically changed the way I look at children or grandchildren who have been branded wayward, difficult or hostile. The term was “Designed Difficult One” of DDO for short. 

Mr. Stillman pointed out virtually every family he worked with had a “Designated Difficult One”, a child or grandchild who marches to a different tune than the rest of the tribe.  He noted that when he made the effort to reach out to the DDO and to listen to them he often discovered they had perspectives which really needed to be heard.  When I shared the DDO concept with a cultural anthropologist recently she told me that in her experience the DDO is the “voice of the family system” and families benefit greatly from paying attention to their DDOs. 

I have concluded that a key to the success of flourishing families is their ability to extend unconditional love to their DDOs.  How well we listen to the DDO demonstrates to all members of the family that we love each of them unconditionally as well.

The spirit of love and inclusion required to embrace your DDO is captured in this poem entitled “Outwitted” by Edwin Markham:

He drew a circle that shut me out —
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in. 

So instead of giving up on your child or grandchild, perhaps you might want to step back and ask yourself:  “what message am I missing and what opportunity to grow is our family forfeiting because I’m not willing to listen and learn from my child/grandchild?” 

"Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there's always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires."—Marcelene Cox

Comments

[freelance writing]

yes of course because family comes first!

[Raub Koontz]

I am touched and convinced on your insights here. Yes, it is really true that children in a family act differently. One might be walking on a different path. This is I think the biggest challenge for parents to tender their unconditional love. This kind of child needs more attention, more time to communicate with, more understanding and the like. There must be no place in every parent's heart to give up their children.