Seedlings

The Value of a Plan

“All you need is the plan, the road map, and the courage to press on to your destination” - Earl Nightingale

Here’s my adaptation of Aesop’s Fable of the Man, Boy and Donkey:

A father and his almost adult son set out to sell their donkey and buy winter provisions. As they were walking alongside the donkey, a passerby said, “You fools, what is a donkey but for to ride upon?”. So the father put his son on the donkey. Then they passed another group of laborers, one of whom said: “See that lazy youngster, he rides and makes his father walk.” So the man ordered the boy off the donkey and got on himself. They hadn’t gone far when passed by two women, one of whom said: “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor son trudge along.” Shamed, the man had his son get on the donkey in front of him and started to town.

Entering the gates of the city, the father noticed passers-by were jeering and pointing at them as they rode the donkey. He stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The villagers replied, “Aren’t you ashamed for overloading that poor donkey, you and your hulking son?” In compliance with the dissident voices and mocking fingers, the man and boy got off and tried to think of what to do. They cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders, and marched slowly towards the marketplace. As they were crossing the bridge, the son stumbled, and in the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge and drowned because his feet were tied.

“That will teach you”, said an old man who had followed them.

Aesop concludes his fable by saying: “PLEASE ALL, AND YOU WILL PLEASE NONE”.

The father and son had failed in their goal of selling the donkey and had no money to buy the winter provisions they needed in order to survive.

How much different the outcome would have been if the father and son had had a plan to follow. The Father could have said, “I’ll ride the donkey one-third of the way; Son, you ride the donkey one-third of the way; and we’ll both walk the last third of the way. The donkey will arrive at the marketplace fresh and strong, ready to be sold.”

Then, as they received confusing advice while traveling through each hamlet and village along their way to the city, they could look at each other, give a reassuring wink of the eye, and say, “We have a plan.”

We all need plans, whether it is for work or for the most important work we do as parents and grandparents. There’s an important donkey in each of our lives. What is your plan for it?

“Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.”—William Arthur Ward

 

That’s a Peacock – Not a Weird Chicken

“The greatest form of charity may be to withhold judgment.”—Sandra Rogers

One of my favorite songs is more timely today than when it was first sung in 1965.  You’ve probably heard these first two lines from the lyrics by Hal David and the music by Burt Bachrach at least twenty times:

What the world needs now is love sweet love,
Its the only thing that there's just too little of

But the next two lines are just as powerful:

What the world needs now is love sweet love,
No, not just for some but for everyone,

It’s that love for everyone that we seem to be struggling with.  That struggle takes place within families…within communities…within our nation…and throughout the world.

I heard the story recently of a three year old who pointed to an object on the television screen and said: “Mom, that’s a weird chicken.”  Her mother responded:  “That’s a peacock, not a chicken.”

Like the unknowing three year old, we too often look at others with an incomplete or inaccurate understanding.  We see them as weird chickens when if we could see them through a curious and tolerant lens we might begin to appreciate the beauty of their peacock-like uniqueness and potential.

Walt Whitman said:  Be curious, not judgmental.  And, James E. Faust said: The older I get, the less judgmental I become. 

Whether old or young, may we all become more tolerant, more forgiving and much less judgmental.  Then we will be part of bringing that love sweet love into the world, not just for some but for everyone. 

“The greatest gift you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance” –Brian Tracy

"Aloha" and "Mai-Mai" -- Thoughts on Greetings and Farewells

“Aloha is being a part of all, and all being a part of me. When there is pain - it is my pain. When there is joy - it is also mine. I respect all that is as part of the Creator and part of me. I will not willfully harm anyone or anything. When food is needed I will take only my need and explain why it is being taken. The earth, the sky, the sea are mine to care for, to cherish and to protect. This is Hawaiian - this is Aloha!—Curby Rule from “The Deeper Meaning of Aloha”

Carol and I attended the ACTEC annual meetings in Maui last week.  As we landed in Hawaii, we were greeted with the word “Aloha” and received an orchid lei.  It helped me appreciate how important a greeting can be. 

We attended church services in Hawaii and as a speaker approached the pulpit he uttered that word again:  “Aloha.”  To my surprise, the congregation responded in unison: “Aloha”.  There was an instant spirit of connection between the speaker and the congregation that was tangible.

In our hotel we were greeted by bellman, parking valet, and housekeeper with that word, “Aloha”.  My natural response, “good morning” or “good afternoon” seemed sterile in comparison.  So I began to respond with a smile and “Aloha”.  My “Aloha” always seemed to brighten the smile of the person who greeted me and I believe we were both injected with positivity by our exchange.

My last blog posting suggested the importance and benefits of a three- to five-second hug.  Today, I’d like to encourage us to find ways to make our greetings and farewells positive and sincere rather than formal and trite. 

Even when you aren’t in Hawaii you might have fun one day making it an “Aloha” day.  Greet everyone with an “Aloha” and a warm smile.

During this worship service it was announced that a young family was leaving Hawaii and returning to the mainland and they were asked to come forward at the conclusion of the service to allow the congregation to sing to them.  I didn’t understand the Hawaiian words being sung.  The tune sounded like one I associated with the song, “God  Be With You ‘Till We Meet Again.”  I saw tears flow down the cheeks of this young father and mother.  And then many if not most of the congregation filed up to hug them and present them with leis.  This spirit of fellowship and affection warmed my heart and helped me realize how cherished meaningful farewells can be.

Elizabeth Mauske tells a story about a sweet but unusual friendship which formed between her mother and an old Araucan woman.  The Indian woman often stopped at Elizabeth’s home on her way to or from the Temuco, Chile marketplace. Elizabeth’s mother would invite her in Spanish to come in for tea (mate) and a cookie or two.  Elizabeth observed the warmth of the words “Mai-Mai” which was the greeting the old woman would whisper appreciatively as she entered.  The old Indian only spoke her native Araucanian (an Indian dialect spoken in Chile and the Western Pampas of Argentina) so the conversation between the two women was minimal. She always seemed to bring some partridge eggs or berries as a gift.  And Elizabeth noticed that when the Indian woman would rise to leave she would utter the exact same words.  Elizabeth memorized that Araucanian phrase and later learned from a pair of missionaries that in English it would mean:  “I shall come again, for I like myself when I’m near you.” 

I am going to treasure that complimentary farewell and use it soon with a friend who brings out the best in me.  What are the most touching words of greeting or farewell you have heard or used?

"Don't be dismayed at good-byes.  A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.  And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends"--Richard Bach 

Related articles

The Five Second Hugging Practice

http://www.huna.org/html/deeper.html

Hope – Never, Never Give Up on Your Child or Grandchild

“Hope has two beautiful daughters.  Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are.”—Augustine of Hippo 

There is nothing sadder than a parent or grandparent who has given up on their child or grandchild. 

Some years ago a lawyer from San Francisco, James Stillman, introduced me to a term and concept that radically changed the way I look at children or grandchildren who have been branded wayward, difficult or hostile. The term was “Designed Difficult One” of DDO for short. 

Mr. Stillman pointed out virtually every family he worked with had a “Designated Difficult One”, a child or grandchild who marches to a different tune than the rest of the tribe.  He noted that when he made the effort to reach out to the DDO and to listen to them he often discovered they had perspectives which really needed to be heard.  When I shared the DDO concept with a cultural anthropologist recently she told me that in her experience the DDO is the “voice of the family system” and families benefit greatly from paying attention to their DDOs. 

I have concluded that a key to the success of flourishing families is their ability to extend unconditional love to their DDOs.  How well we listen to the DDO demonstrates to all members of the family that we love each of them unconditionally as well.

The spirit of love and inclusion required to embrace your DDO is captured in this poem entitled “Outwitted” by Edwin Markham:

He drew a circle that shut me out —
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in. 

So instead of giving up on your child or grandchild, perhaps you might want to step back and ask yourself:  “what message am I missing and what opportunity to grow is our family forfeiting because I’m not willing to listen and learn from my child/grandchild?” 

"Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there's always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires."—Marcelene Cox

The Gift of Forgiveness: Part 2

An Incredible Example of Forgiveness in the Aftermath of Apartheid

"He who will not forgive others breaks down the bridge over which he himself must travel.”—Spencer W. Kimball 

Have you ever struggled to forgive not just a petty act or phrase but something that was truly an injustice?  Have you been trapped inside the prison of unforgiveness? 

Marianne Williamson, whose wisdom was quoted by Nelson Mandela in his inaugural address, counsels:  “Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.”  

During apartheid in South Africa a black woman had to endure the pain of having her son shot by white police officers, who then set his body on fire and celebrated around it.  A few years later, those same men tied her husband to a pile of wood, doused him with gasoline, and then set him on fire.

When the apartheid system crumbled, a commission was established to rectify the wrongs of the past and to try to bring about justice and reconciliation between blacks and whites.  One of the purposes of this Truth and Reconciliation Commission was to find an adequate punishment for the wrongs that had been perpetrated in the past. 

The men who had committed these atrocities on her son and husband were tried by the Commission and as they approached the sentencing phase the now elderly black woman was allowed to confront the leader of the group, a Mr. Van de Broek.  He and the other men had confessed their guilt and the Commission asked the woman what she thought an appropriate punishment might be. 

“I want three things,” she replied. “I want Mr. Van de Broek to take me to the place where they burned my husband’s body. I would like to gather up the dust and give him a decent burial."

“Second, Mr. Van de Broek took all my family away from me, and I still have a lot to give. Twice a month, I would like him to come to the ghetto and spend the day with me so I can be a mother to him."

“Third, I would like Mr. Van de Broek to know he is forgiven by God and that I forgive him, too. And, I would like someone to come and lead me by the hand to where Mr. Van de Broek is so that I can embrace him and he can know my forgiveness is real.” 

 

"To let go of the ones who hurt us is to let go of our identity as the one who was hurt, the one who was violated, the one who was broken. It often feels like the bad guys are getting off scot-free while we are left holding the bag of pain. But forgiveness is not just for them. . . . Forgiveness . . . allows us to be set free from the endless cycle of pain, anger, and recrimination that keeps us imprisoned in our own suffering."—Wayne Muller, from his book, the Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood

 

 

 

The Gift of Forgiveness

Forgiveness Might Just Start With Self-Examination

Physical scars usually disappear over time or with skillful surgery.  But the scars that never were physical wounds heal only when we forgive unconditionally.  Until we remove those scars through unconditional forgiveness we can’t love nor be loved in the fullest measure.  Forgiveness is an act which produces a greater effect in the actor than in the beneficiary of the act—John A. Warnick

You are no doubt familiar with this challenge:  “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”  These words were spoken by a Man who would later forgive even those who wrongfully took his life. 

I recently spoke with a client who was harboring resentment towards a sibling and who was struggling with my suggestion she might benefit greatly if she could find a pathway to forgive.  I sensed that she, like many of us, justify our refusal to forgive on the grounds that there are some things that just aren’t humanly possible to do. 

In his 1957 sermon, “Loving Your Enemies,” Martin Luther King, Jr. acknowledged just how difficult it is to love your enemy and offered this suggestion:  “(w)e begin to love our enemies and love those persons who hate us, whether in collective life or individual life, by looking at ourselves...In order to love your enemies, you must begin by analyzing self.”  He noted that in this analysis we may find that we have done something in the past “deep down” that made this person our enemy.

Even if we haven’t wronged our enemy, Dr. King urged us to realize “each of us is something of a schizophrenic personality...there is something of a civil war going on within all of our lives.  There is a recalcitrant South of our soul revolting against the North of our soul...There is something within all of us that causes us to cry out with Plato that the human personality is like a charioteer with two headstrong horses, each wanting to go in different directions....There is something within each of us that makes us to cry out with Apostle Paul, ‘I see and approve the better things of life, but the evil things I do.’”

As we look carefully into the mirror of self-introspection, it empowers us to take a different attitude towards others, even those who have wronged us.  Again, in the words of Dr. King:  “The person who hates you most has some good in him; even the nation hates you most has some good in it; even the race that hates you most has some good in it.  And when you come to the point that you look in the face of every man and see deep down within him what religion calls “the image of God,” you begin to love him...find the center of goodness and place your attention there and you will take a new attitude.”

Forgiveness is a powerful gift.  It is a gift not only to the person we forgive but also to ourselves.  For in forgiving we free ourselves from the prisons of anger, blame, hate, resentment, and vengeance. 

Is there someone within your circle of influence who has wronged you and whom you haven’t forgiven?  What would the gift of forgiveness mean to that individual and to you?  How might the suggestions of Dr. King that we examine our own life and concentrate on the goodness in the life of the person who has wronged us be first steps down the pathway to forgiveness.

An apology must be sincere, and it must be perceived as sincere.  “If you going to bow, bow low,” says Eastern wisdom.  “Pay the uttermost farthing,” says the Christian Ethic—Stephen R. Covey

The Thousand-Mile Walk to the Gulf of Mexico

 

What John Muir Learned On His First Trip to Florida

"For nineteen years my vision was bounded by forests, but today, emerging from a multitude of tropical plants, I beheld the Gulf of Mexico stretching away unbounded, except by the sky. What dreams and speculative matter for thought arose as I stood on the strand, gazing out on the burnished, treeless plain!" - John Muir, at age 29, after traveling almost 1,000 miles by foot from Indiana and arriving at Cedar Key, Florida 

 

John Muir, founder of the Sierra Club, arrived in Cedar Key, Florida in October, 1867, seven weeks after setting out from Indiana on a "thousand-mile walk to the Gulf."  From John Muir’s journal account of his adventure, which was published in 1916, two years after his death, we learn that in his time in the Gulf Hammocks, while recovering from malaria, he had an epiphany.  These words taken from his journal express his conclusion that nature was valuable for its own sake and that man’s arrogance of assuming all of nature was created to please and serve him ignores the importance of even the smallest of creatures and organisms:

“The world, we are told, was made especially for man - a presumption not supported by all the facts. A numerous class of men are painfully astonished whenever they find anything, living or dead, in all God's universe, which they cannot eat or render in some way what they call useful to themselves.  

But if we should ask these profound expositors of God's intentions, How about those man-eating animals - lions, tigers, alligators - which smack their lips over raw man? Or about those myriads of noxious insects that destroy labor and drink his blood? Doubtless man was intended for food and drink for all these? Oh no! Not at all!

Now, it never seems to occur to these far-seeing teachers that Nature's object in making animals and plants might possibly be first of all the happiness of each one of them, not the creation of all for the happiness of one. Why should man value himself as more than a small part of the one great unit of creation? And what creature of all that the Lord has taken the pains to make is not essential to the completeness of that unit - the cosmos? The universe would be incomplete without man; but it would also be incomplete without the smallest transmicroscopic creature that dwells beyond our conceitful eyes and knowledge.” John Muir, from a Thousand-Mile Walk to the Gulf (emphasis added).

The debate between preservation and conservation rages on in our society today.  John Muir was one of the first visionaries to see the role of mankind as stewards of nature.  Have you paused to reflect what might lie beyond your “conceitful eyes and knowledge?”  Could a beginner’s mind with regard to my role in the universe and my responsibilities towards both animate and inanimate produce a breakthrough in my thinking.

“Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul.” - John Muir

 

What Ray Charles, Jr. Can Teach Us About Father-Son Relationships

 

"To take the power out of anything you have to expose it.”—Ray Charles, Jr. explaining how he found peace while reliving both the joys and pains of his relationship with his famous father in writing the memoir he recently published

 

In the last two blogs we explored what we can learn from Ray Charles about the importance of becoming the person you were meant to be and the opportunity to leave your children and loved ones something they can build on.  In this final blog focusing on the Genius of Soul we will discover it is never too late to develop a better relationship with your children and how, sometimes, it is the child that must nurture that relationship. 

 

In his new memoir, You Don't Know Me: Reflections of My Father, Ray Charles, Ray Charles Robinson, Jr. reconciles both the joys and pains of his relationship with his iconic musician father.  Ray Jr. was the co-producer of the movie Ray.  But his recently released book attempts to fill in the blanks and answer many of the questions which both the movie and his father’s autobiography left us with.

 

Ray Jr. grew up in a privileged childhood but one marred by his father’s absenteeism, drug abuse and extramarital affairs.  It wasn’t until late in his father’s life, after the son had overcome his own personal challenges, that they began to connect in a positive and meaningful way. 

 

Junior experienced the burden which comes with being the namesake of a famous celebrity.  Was it a lot of pressure? Yes. Most sons of famous individuals and or "juniors" experience tremendous pressure.  “My father was extremely famous at an early age, and I was aware of it as a child. Through my teens, it was very difficult because I didn't know who was around simply because I was Ray Charles Robinson Jr.   Often though, the challenges are inside our head: what we have to live up to, what we feel we have to do, what others expect of us. There may be pressure to follow in your father's footsteps. I truly wanted to be a musician, but at the time, it was intimidating because of the greatness of my father.”

Today Ray Charles Jr. is a successful executive and the father of two.  While he chose not to be a musician, he has discovered deep personal satisfaction in the relational side of his life and is applying the good and the bad he saw in his father to be the best father he can be. Ray Jr. learned “to transition from being a father to a friend for my children, so I always maintain a line of communication. I talk to them a lot about life.” 

 

He admits that his father’s first love was his music not his family.  But for Junior “spending time with my family is extremely important. God is first. Then you take care of yourself and your family because you can't take care of them if you haven't taken care of yourself. When life was challenging, I put my family first. I thought it was about money and making sure they were taken care of. But they must also be taken care of emotionally. That's where I'm at today. Being there and being a father.”

 

While his father found it difficult to communicate with his children, Ray Jr. discovered he could build their relationship by going where his father loved to be, the music studio, and by sharing time with his father while the latter was doing what he enjoyed most: creating music. 

 

In writing his memoirs around his father’s life, he has chosen to reveal some very personal glimpses, such as:  “He got so much joy out of hearing [his family]. He would sit down with his head down, glasses off, in his robe, being in the moment. That's what people never spoke about in regards to Ray Charles the person.”

 

Despite all of the heartache and disappointment Ray Jr. had experienced in the early years of their relationship, he was able to put all of that behind him as a result of a breakthrough conversation that helped him realize how precious little time he had left to spend with his father.

 

Junior was in Russia when he father called one day after a difficult visit to the doctor’s office: “(H)e said something to me that he had never said before, ‘Son, it's just nice to hear your voice.’ I knew something was wrong. He told me he was calling to check on me. He said...the chemotherapy had been rough, but it was nice to see another day.  At that moment, I knew he was dying. Everything started to flash in my mind--all the things I wouldn't be able to say, all the things I envisioned that we were going to do. I realized that he was mortal. He wasn't going to live forever like I thought he would. I was no longer angry; all was forgiven”

 

Have you told your children or grandchildren how much you enjoy hearing their voice?  Can you be present in the moment with them as Ray Charles learned to be in the last years of his life?  Is there a relationship in your family fabric which might be strengthened if you met that individual where they most enjoy being?

I wrote this book to show the genius of my father and the fine line of that genius. My father dealt with a lot of pain--the death of brother George and his mother at such a young age. I had to talk about the addiction to show how great his triumphs were...He kicked heroin cold turkey once he figured out what it was doing to his life. He made a conscious decision to stop and it was over. That in itself was an accomplishment—Ray Charles Jr. speaking of his book You Don't Know Me: Reflections of My Father, Ray Charles

 

MORE LESSONS FROM THE LIFE OF RAY CHARLES

“My mom would say ‘You might not be able to do things like a person who can see.  But there are always two ways to do everything.  You just have to find the other way.” - Ray Charles

 

“He left not only the phenomenal music he sang and recorded, he left the indelible impression on people that it's all right to be yourself" - Johnny Mathis, who recorded a duet of Somewhere Over the Rainbow with Ray Charles just a little over three months’ prior to the Genius’ death

 

Ray Charles’ life was not only a testament to the unique ability each person possesses to overcome adversity and weakness but in finding the way to become the person you were meant to be. 

 

He felt it was important to share his financial success to improve the lives of others.  In 1986, Ray Charles created a private foundation dedicated to providing support in the area of hearing disorders and the empowerment of young people through education.  The vision of The Ray Charles Foundation is to instill in the youth of America that “there is no challenge too great one cannot overcome.”

 

Just a few years before his death Ray Charles gave Wilberforce University, our nation’s oldest African-American college in Ohio, $2,000,000 to fund music scholarships because “"It was what I had to do, and the reason I had to do it is too many people have been good to me."  In 2001 he donated another $1,000,000 to Morehouse College in Atlanta, Georgia.

 

He then gave $3,000,000 to Albany State University.  A few years after his death his personal representative threatened to sue the college to get that money back.  

 

Mr. Charles’s children strongly opposed that move and sent a letter to the attorney for the estate stating: “Ray Charles would be outraged by your threats to rescind the gifts he made...to Albany State U.”

 

Shortly after his death tabloids reported Ray Charles died broke and was a negligent father.  This publicity so angered his children that they shared with the public a very private story about what their father had done for each of them.

 

A few days before Christmas 2002, Ray Charles called a meeting of his 12 children at a hotel in Los Angeles. Few of his children knew each other as they had 10 different mothers.  Ten of the children, ranging in age from 16 to 50 – came to this luncheon to listen as their father told them he was mortally ill and outlined what they could expect from his fortune.  What we know about this family meeting comes largely from Ray’s second oldest son, the Rev. Robert Charles, who recalled:

 

"He called and we had a sit-down lunch...We took a lot of pictures. And we had a really good time getting to know each other. There were 10 of us there because two couldn't make it. My dad talked about how they always wait until a person passes. He said, 'Why do that? I'll give it to you now so you can build on that now.' It wasn't publicized because he was a very private man."

 

At that time, Ray Charles presented each child with a check for $1 million and explained that most of his financial assets would be left at his death to his charitable foundation.  When he passed away it is believed Ray Charles’ holdings were worth between $25,000,000 and $50,000,000.

 

Another son, Ray Jr., responded to the rumors that his father had died penniless with these words:  "How can you be broke when you give us $1 million and pay the taxes on it? What does that tell you? My father was second to none. He died not owing anyone anything. Everything he had belonged to him. He has 12 kids and he recognized them. He gave them $1 million in the prime or peak of their lives."

 

It really doesn’t matter how large Ray Charles’ estate was or how much he left his children.  The key to his personal and family legacy is found in the strength he exhibited in overcoming weakness and adversity and in the desire he had to give something to his children before he died that they could build on.

 

How will you tell your children about what your testamentary intentions are?  In what ways will your personal and family legacy empower your children to build upon what you have given them—both monetarily and through that family wealth that isn’t taxed, your wisdom and experiential reflections?

 

"Heaven wanted some music, and God sent for Ray Charles," - The Reverend Jesse Jackson speaking at Ray Charles’ funeral

 

"Through his darkness, he enlightened and brightened our lives." - Cecily Tyson, who along with Clint Eastwood, was present with Ray Charles at his last public appearance in April, 2004

Howling Your Way to Success

What Ray Charles Can Teach Us About Converting Grief and Mistakes Into Positive Emotional Catalysts

 

“You don’t drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there"—Edwin Louis-Cole

 

Ray Charles was a howling success as a human being and musician. 

 

But many people don’t know the tragic story of his childhood.  Later in life Ray Charles had to battle his way through addiction and dysfunctional relationships.  But in his struggle to overcome the demons in his life he discovered an important principle about letting our feelings inform and guide our behavior.  I call that principle “Howling Our Way to Success.”

 

Ray Charles Robinson was born to sharecropper parents in Albany Georgia.  When he was five his younger brother drowned in a washtub despite Ray’s efforts to save him.  That same year Ray began to realize he was losing his eyesight.  By the time he was seven he was totally blind.  Shortly thereafter he was institutionalized at the Florida School for the Deaf and Blind.  At the age of fourteen his mother passed away and three years later his father died as well.

 

In his autobiography he described his mother’s death as “the most devastating thing in my whole experience—bar nothing, period.  From that moment on, I was completely in another world.  I couldn’t eat.  I couldn’t sleep—I was totally out of control.  The big problem was I couldn’t cry.  I couldn’t get the sorrow out of my system and that made things worse.”

 

Ma Beck was an elderly friend of the Charles family.  She saw how despondent and withdrawn Ray had become.  She took him aside and told him that his mother had prepared him to be independent and would have wanted him to carry on with his life.  That day was the first time that Ray allowed himself to cry.  He “howl(ed) like a tiny infant, crying for all the pain that had been stored up, crying for the loss and...the sweet memories Mama had given me.”  That was the day that Ray began to “howl his way to success.”

 

He developed an ability to let his sorrow manifest itself in his music.  Howling screams became his musical trademark.

 

The gift that Ma Beck gave Ray—the permission to cry and to turn his grief into growth—was, in Ray’s own words, “strangely enough, extraordinarily positive.  What I’ve accomplished since then, really grows out of my coming to terms with those events [the deaths of his mother and younger brother].”

 

Too often we expect perfection of ourselves and of our children and grandchildren.  The arrogance of perfection denies us the opportunity to view weaknesses and mistakes as potential opportunities for growth.  When we can, as Ray Charles did, convert tragedy and other negative emotions into self-awareness, it opens up the door for amazing personal growth.  We need to view our mistakes and emotional challenges as the positive catalysts that help us see what we should be doing differently.

 

Peter Drucker, the guru of management consulting, was fond of pointing out that both individuals and companies had to discover their own arrogance along their path to better management.  Is there something which you are dismissing as not being important in your emotional and relationship frameworks?  Is it possible that you are—in the same way Ray Charles did—attempting to bury an emotion rather than use it as a catalyst?

 

“Don’t bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.  Try to be better than yourself”—William Faulkner