Seedlings

"Aloha" and "Mai-Mai" -- Thoughts on Greetings and Farewells

“Aloha is being a part of all, and all being a part of me. When there is pain - it is my pain. When there is joy - it is also mine. I respect all that is as part of the Creator and part of me. I will not willfully harm anyone or anything. When food is needed I will take only my need and explain why it is being taken. The earth, the sky, the sea are mine to care for, to cherish and to protect. This is Hawaiian - this is Aloha!—Curby Rule from “The Deeper Meaning of Aloha”

Carol and I attended the ACTEC annual meetings in Maui last week.  As we landed in Hawaii, we were greeted with the word “Aloha” and received an orchid lei.  It helped me appreciate how important a greeting can be. 

We attended church services in Hawaii and as a speaker approached the pulpit he uttered that word again:  “Aloha.”  To my surprise, the congregation responded in unison: “Aloha”.  There was an instant spirit of connection between the speaker and the congregation that was tangible.

In our hotel we were greeted by bellman, parking valet, and housekeeper with that word, “Aloha”.  My natural response, “good morning” or “good afternoon” seemed sterile in comparison.  So I began to respond with a smile and “Aloha”.  My “Aloha” always seemed to brighten the smile of the person who greeted me and I believe we were both injected with positivity by our exchange.

My last blog posting suggested the importance and benefits of a three- to five-second hug.  Today, I’d like to encourage us to find ways to make our greetings and farewells positive and sincere rather than formal and trite. 

Even when you aren’t in Hawaii you might have fun one day making it an “Aloha” day.  Greet everyone with an “Aloha” and a warm smile.

During this worship service it was announced that a young family was leaving Hawaii and returning to the mainland and they were asked to come forward at the conclusion of the service to allow the congregation to sing to them.  I didn’t understand the Hawaiian words being sung.  The tune sounded like one I associated with the song, “God  Be With You ‘Till We Meet Again.”  I saw tears flow down the cheeks of this young father and mother.  And then many if not most of the congregation filed up to hug them and present them with leis.  This spirit of fellowship and affection warmed my heart and helped me realize how cherished meaningful farewells can be.

Elizabeth Mauske tells a story about a sweet but unusual friendship which formed between her mother and an old Araucan woman.  The Indian woman often stopped at Elizabeth’s home on her way to or from the Temuco, Chile marketplace. Elizabeth’s mother would invite her in Spanish to come in for tea (mate) and a cookie or two.  Elizabeth observed the warmth of the words “Mai-Mai” which was the greeting the old woman would whisper appreciatively as she entered.  The old Indian only spoke her native Araucanian (an Indian dialect spoken in Chile and the Western Pampas of Argentina) so the conversation between the two women was minimal. She always seemed to bring some partridge eggs or berries as a gift.  And Elizabeth noticed that when the Indian woman would rise to leave she would utter the exact same words.  Elizabeth memorized that Araucanian phrase and later learned from a pair of missionaries that in English it would mean:  “I shall come again, for I like myself when I’m near you.” 

I am going to treasure that complimentary farewell and use it soon with a friend who brings out the best in me.  What are the most touching words of greeting or farewell you have heard or used?

"Don't be dismayed at good-byes.  A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.  And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends"--Richard Bach 

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The Five Second Hugging Practice

http://www.huna.org/html/deeper.html

The Forgotten Infant: Another Lesson from a Family Cemetery

“In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future…my fondest hope is that Roots may start black, white, brown, red, and yellow people digging back for their own roots.”—Alex Haley, author of Roots

My friend Joe Paul told me another story about his family’s cemetery.  On one trip to the family cemetery in Georgia he noticed crabgrass infesting one corner of the cemetery.  A rusty tool lay nearby so Joe picked it up and began to use it to clear the crabgrass and other weeds.  After a few minutes of work Joe hit something hard just beneath the surface.  He raked the dirt away to discover a small buried headstone lying face down.  He turned it over and cleaned it enough to discover it was the marker for an infant who had been buried next to his parents.  Somehow over time the headstone had fallen unnoticed and had been covered with dirt and crabgrass.

The story of the lost headstone and Joe’s efforts to restore it to its proper place next to the deceased infant’s parents’ headstones ignited my thinking.  The infant in Joe’s family cemetery didn’t have any descendants who would have come to the cemetery looking for his/her grave.  If it hadn’t been for Joe’s commitment to honor not just his ancestors, but his family in a broader sense, it is quite possible that overlooked marker would still be buried.

I believe the recovery of that infant’s forgotten tombstone is a metaphor for the opportunity we have to assist in gathering and preserving the life stories of our deceased ancestors who can’t and didn’t do that work for themselves.  And, if we take a broader view of family (as perhaps Jay Hughes suggests through his family of affinity concept) we don’t have to limit our efforts to just those from whom we descend through a lineal bloodline.

None of us or our family members should be forgotten.  The tombstones of their stories and life experiences should not lay buried under the humus of disinterest or disrespect.

I believe each of us may have a forgotten family member we could learn a great deal from.  In just the span of four generations, each of us has 30 ancestors.  That means there are thirty different opportunities for each of us to connect with the roots of our heritage. 

Just as Alex Haley, the author of Roots, discovered the incredible power of connecting with the stories of his ancestors, that same opportunity awaits each of us.  Services such as Ancestry.com are making it easier and easier to discover the basic facts about each of our ancestors.  But the work of finding their stories grows more difficult the further back in time we go.  If you have a parent or grandparent alive today, you may be able to trace your legacy back three or four generations by tapping into their memories of the ancestors they knew.  But once our parent or grandparent passes away, the opportunity to capture the stories of your ancestor’s struggles and successes evaporates and is most likely lost.  Thus, it is vital we begin that task now so that those who will follow behind us in 100 years won’t be left with a buried tombstone which yields no stories, just dates.

I want to call this effort to discover and preserve our family heritage Building a Legacy Place.  In our next blog I will share some exciting ways in which you can begin to uncover the stories and wisdom of your family.  In the process you will be beautifying and building your Legacy Place.

“Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children”—Alex Haley, author of Roots

Climbing Higher on the Ladder of Listening

The greatest gift we can offer each other is the framework in which to think for ourselves—Nancy Kline, author of Time to Think and most recently More Time to Think

 

In the prior Seedlings’s blog we talked about the first rungs on the Ladder of Listening: hearing and listening for content or substance.

 

Further up the ladder of listening we reach the rung of Empathic Listening.  If you ever attend a marriage enrichment retreat you will no doubt spend considerable time honing your skills as an empathic listener.  This is listening where we reflect, in a positive and affirming way, what we believe we have heard. 

 

The pure intent behind Empathic Listening is to insure we have not just heard but have listened to the person who is communicating with us.  We strip out our natural defensive reflexes.  We lay aside judgment.  We control our fear of silence.  We suppress any impulse to interrupt or to finish a sentence for our friend or family member.  We find the inner strength to concentrate, in a spirit of love and compassion, on the words, the tone, and other subtle indicators of emotion such as facial expressions and body language.

 

My friend and mentor, Courtney Pullen, has taught me there is yet another rung on the Ladder of Listening he calls “Essential Intent.”  He notes that beneath and inside our communication there is something essential; often at the core there is a purpose of concern that isn’t spoken and therefore is not being heard or listened to.  When individuals perceive we are aware of and sensitive to their purposes and concerns, they communicate and collaborate.

 

Nancy Kline in her books and teaching suggests that there are 10 key elements necessary to create a   thinking environment.  A dialogue can be turned into a thinking partnership when the listener applies the skills Nancy teaches us are essential for empowering the best thinking in the person we are listening to.

 

Is there a gene for becoming an empathic listener or certain natural tendencies that make it easier for some to get to the rung of “Essential Intent” or to create a Thinking Environment for their listening partner?  Regardless of your answer, I am convinced we all have innate abilities to become the type of listener which empowers other to share their deepest feelings and to do their most powerful thinking.  Thanks to people like Courtney Pullen and Nancy Kline, we have both models and written wisdom to help us begin our climb up the ladder of listening.

 

How can we get to the rung of “Essential Intent?”  What are the practices parents and grandparents can initiate which will allow their loved ones to do their best thinking and communicating?

 

Listen to me…as you would if I were talking to myself.  I am admitting you to my inmost thoughts and am having it out with myself—Seneca the Younger

The Power of Creed

The Creed of the Team of Affinity

"A commitment to the Creed of the Team of Affinity is the fuel that allows ordinary professionals to deliver extraordinary results to their clients" — "John A" Warnick

"A group becomes a team when each member is sure enough of himself and his contribution to praise the skills of the others" — Norman Shidle

 

About a year ago I spent several hours with one of the greatest professional collaborators, Barb Culver, talking about what the ingredients of a successful Team of Affinity might be.  That dialogue inspired me to come up with the following CREED for the professional Team of Affinity:

Client’s Best Interest Always Comes First
 
Collaboration

Clarity

Common Vision and Vocabulary

Creativity

Respect

Relationship-Centric

Excellence but Egos are Left at the Door

Enlightened and Enlightening

Doers and Dreamers

How would you add or subtract from that list?  If there is one attribute or performance characteristic that stands above the others in your mind, what would it be?

If You're Building A Ship....