Seedlings

Growth Boards Are Parenting "Totem Poles"

 

“The potential possibilities of our child are the most intriguing we will ever witness in all of creation.  The awakening of those potentialities is our most important responsibility as a parent”—John “John A” Warnick

 

As a child I was fascinated by totem poles.  Some were scary; others inviting.  But each was colorful and unique.

Our children and grandchildren are as unique as a totem pole.  As the poet Wordsworth wrote in his Ode “Intimations of Immortality” each child comes “trailing clouds of glory”.  Each child/adult’s “exterior semblance doth belie” the “soul’s immensity.”  Within the immensity of the human soul lie wondrous gifts and talents, waiting to be uncovered and developed with a lifetime of patience and persistence.

Our biggest opportunity as parents and grandparents is to believe in the divine worth of our children and grandchildren.  And the awakening of the potentialities within our child is our biggest responsibility.  We start by helping our child/grandchild understand “God doesn’t make junk”.  We also need to nurture their confidence and resilience.  The Growth Board can be a key tool to assist us in these tasks.  But before I share the exciting possibilities of a Growth Board, let’s explore the meaning of the totem pole.

The art forms, faces, figures and stories represented on totem poles were part of the tribal legacy.  Often the accomplishments of an individual and the rights acquired during his lifetime were chronicled on the totem pole.

You may have fond memories of your mother or father placing a pencil mark on the wall in your kitchen or bedroom.  On each birthday I had to stop wiggling long enough for my mom to be able to draw a line, note the height and date.  And, then my parents would point with pride to the fact I had grown a couple of inches.

That height chart was preserved when the kitchen was repainted. But then I left home and eventually my parents sold the home and the record of my physical growth was lost.  What if there was a way to chronicle not just the physical growth of a child, but to create a lasting reminder of your child’s greatest accomplishments?  That is what I call the Growth Board. 

This idea was sparked by a practice I learned about from a very accomplished man, who along with his wife, found a way to profoundly encourage their children.  He chose a finely grained piece of wood, soft enough to carve.  On the “board” as he called it, he would place a knotch, with the date and his child’s height, to mark a special event or achievement in their life journey.  But that wasn’t the only thing they did with the “board”.  They would carefully choose words of inspiration.  Perhaps a quote, a scripture, or even something remarkable the child uttered.  For one son who was so timid he wouldn’t even walk into a store and talk to a teller or clerk, he carved the words “Bold as a Lion” along with the image of a large lion roaring.  In time his son found the courage to overcome his timidity.

With another son he climbed a high mountain but fatigue overcame his son and they never attained the peak.  Instead of allowing disappointment to mar that memory, the father saw a way to chronicle their time together.  He carved an image of an Eagle on the board and found a quote that talked of “Soaring Like an Eagle”. 

Imagine what the Growth Board tradition might mean in a family.  In a family room or den there are several generations of Growth Boards displayed, a visible reminder to the rising generations of the family of the family’s tradition of seeking to develop the gifts we have been blessed with and overcoming our weaknesses and the adversity which inevitably is part of our life journey.

A Growth Board doesn’t have to be limited to fathers and sons. Mothers and daughters should be a part of the Growth Board tradition.  Nor need it be limited to parents.  Even grandfathers and grandmothers can start today to create this Family Totem Pole.  May yours be colorful, meaningful and created with love and your abiding faith in the goodness and unique gifts your children and grandchildren have been blessed with.

 

“When you put faith, hope and love together, you can raise positive kids in a negative world”—Zig Ziglar

 

 

 

 

Seven Suggestions For Combating Feelings of Inadequacy -- Differentiating Between Dissatisfaction with Self and Self-Disdain

 

“Be careful not to mistake insecurity and inadequacy for humility! Humility has nothing to do with the insecure and inadequate! Just like arrogance has nothing to do with greatness!” –C. Joy Bell

 

Fears of inadequacy haunt each of us.  Sadly, we view our blunders and aborted attempts as evidence of our inadequacies.  Instead, we should embrace failure with gratitude.  Our mistakes are but opportunities to learn and grow.  

As I have struggled from time to time in my life journey with feelings of inadequacy, I have learned to appreciate the difference between what Neal A. Maxwell  described in his spiritual essay/book Notwithstanding My Weakness as “dissatisfaction with self and disdain for self.  We need the first and must shun the second.”  Here are seven of Neal Maxwell’s 14 suggestions for combating feelings of inadequacy:

 1.   We can contemplate how far we have already come in the climb along life’s journey; it is usually much farther than we acknowledge.

 2. We can accept help as well as gladly give it. We can see honest feedback as helpful tutelage.

 3. Before we assess our leadership efforts, we must take into consideration  that often our deliberate best is less effectual because of someone else’s worst.

 4.   We can write down, and act upon, more of those accumulating resolutions for self-improvement that we so often leave, unrecovered, at the edge of sleep.

 5.   As Neal Maxwell puts it, “We can admit that if we were to die today, we would be genuinely and deeply missed. Perhaps parliaments would not praise us, but no human circle is so small that it does not touch another, and another.”

 6.   We can make quiet but more honest inventories of our strengths, since, in this connection, most of us are dishonest bookkeepers and need confirming “outside auditors.” 

7.   We can recommit to moving forward.   Men finally climbed Mount Everest, not by standing at its base in consuming awe, but by shouldering their packs and by placing one foot in front of another. Feet are made to move forward—not backward!

When we adjust our mental framework around failure and inadequacy, we are putting ourselves on the pathway to significance. Nelson Mandela, in his inauguration speech, drew from these words of Marianne Williamson to encourage us to conquer our fears of inadequacy and insecurity:  “We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Here’s hoping you will share these seven suggestions from Neal Maxwell with others and that your presence in the world will be such that you liberate others from the shackles of inadequacy and insecurity. 

”Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”—Marianne Williamson

 

 

 

Hugging is Human Fusion

"A hug delights and warms and charms, that must be why God gave us arms." ~Author Unknown

“Hugging is human fusion: it produces more energy than it consumes.

Hugging is organic, free of pesticides and preservatives.

Hugging requires no special instructions to assemble and has no removable parts or batteries to wear out.

Hugging is non-taxable, non-polluting and theft-proof.

It’s the one thing we need more of in our families and throughout the world.”

–John A. Warnick

“Everybody needs a hug. It changes your metabolism." ~Leo Buscaglia

The Eaglets’ Dilemma

“The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives” - William James

I was inspired by a story by Tom Reilly entitled The Power of Attitude.  I have taken the liberty of adapting and shortening the story, so that it reads as follows:

The time had come for the three eaglets to stretch their wings and experience flight for the first time.  Their parents asked if they had any questions:

"How high can I fly?" inquired the first eaglet.

"How wide can you stretch your wings?" asked their mother.

"How much can we achieve?" the second eaglet asked.

"How much can you dream?" smiled their father.

"How far can we travel?" asked the third eaglet.

"How distantly can you see?" responded their father.

"How long can I fly?" the young eaglet persisted.

"How long do you want to be gone?" their mother replied.

Frustrated by his parents’ questioning replies, the third eaglet demanded, "Why don't you answer our questions?"

"We did."

"But you answered them with questions.  You are our parents.  You’re supposed to know everything.  If you don't answer our questions, who will?"

"You." Their father calmly replied.

"Us? But how?" the first eaglet testily probed.

"No one can tell you how high to fly or how big your dreams should be. Only God knows your potential and what's in your hearts. You alone can discover the answer to these questions.  The only limiting boundaries to your life’s journey is the horizon of your imagination."

"Look to the sky, spread your wings, and fly."

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream. Discover”—Mark Twain

 

 

Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset – Which Is Right For Your Child?

“Our mindset is not a minor personality quirk.  It creates our whole mental world.  It explains how we become optimistic or pessimistic.  It shapes our goals, our attitude toward work and relationships, and how we raise our kids, ultimately predicting whether or not we will fulfill our potential”—Dr. Carol Dweck, from her book Mindset

 While reading Mindset I have been impressed with applications of what Dr. Dweck calls the Fixed Mindset and  the Growth Mindset to our work as parents and grandparents.  The fundamental difference between the Fixed Mindset and the Growth Mindset lies in our attitude towards our natural abilities and intelligence.

Individuals with a Fixed Mindset believe that our abilities are carved in stone.

The growth mindset, on the other hand, is based on the belief that our basic qualities are cultivated through effort.  If you have a growth mindset you acknowledge that people differ dramatically in their initial talents, aptitudes, interests and temperaments, but you recognize that everyone of us can change and grow through application and experience.

As a society today we seem to value natural, effortless accomplishment over achievement through grit and sheer effort.  However, in Howard Gardner's book Extraordinary Minds he concludes that exceptional individuals have a "special talent for identifying their own strengths and weaknesses."

Alfred Binet, the Frenchman who is considered the father of the IQ test, remarked:  "A few modern philosophers...assert that an individual's intelligence is a fixed quantity, a quantity which cannot be increased.  We must protest and react against this brutal pessimism...With practice, training, and above all, method, we manage to increase our attention, our memory, our judgment and literally to become more intelligent than we were before."  And, Robert Sternberg, another guru of intelligence theory, asserts that the major factor in whether people achieve expertise "is not some fixed prior ability, but purposeful engagement."

A growth mindset isn't built on the premise that everyone, with just the proper doses of persistence and opportunity, can become an Einstein or Beethoven.  But rather, as Dr. Dweck points out, each individual's "true potential is unknown (and unknowable); that it's impossible to forsee what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil and training.”

What are the characteristics and behaviors which you would expect to see from a child who has embraced a Growth Mindset?

Why is it so important parents correct the influence of a Fixed Mindset before it becomes habitual thinking with our children?

“This life, therefore, is not righteousness but growth in righteousness; not health but healing; not being but becoming, not rest but exercise.  We are not yet what we shall be but we are growing towards it.  The process is not yet finished it is going on.  This is not the end, but it is the road.  All does not gleam in glory, but all is being purified”—Martin Luther King Jr.

Egyptian Wisdom on the Gates of Heaven

“Never forget the importance of living with unbridled exhilaration. Never neglect to see the exquisite beauty in all living things. Today, and this very moment, is a gift. Stay focused on your purpose. The Universe will take care of everything else”—Robin Sharma, author of The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari

In the movie Bucket List Morgan Freeman plays a highly intellectual, intelligent mechanic who, as he says, "spent 45 years greased up under the hood of a car" so that his children would have the kind of life he'd always dreamt about for himself.

As was true for many men of his generation, he wanted to be sure that his children "would never want for anything and they didn't."  He sacrificed and worked and toiled for a lifetime, always putting his family's needs ahead of his own long-cherished dream to get a college degree and become a history professor. And his lifetime of self-sacrifice bore much fruit: His three children went to college and became successful professionals.

Jack Nicholson plays a character whose life was characterized by debauchery, lasciviousness and personal over-indulgence, always keeping an eye wide-open for his self-interest. If he had a legacy it would be his vast business empire. But his relational bank account was overdrawn.

In their shared hospital room Nicholson and Freeman forged a bond, and quickly became friends despite the fact the two men were complete opposites and would never have crossed paths, were it not for their terminal illnesses.

Despite his wife’s strong protest, in the last weeks of his life Freeman chooses to accept Nicholson’s generous invitation to jet around the world in Nicholson’s private plane scratching off places on their bucket lists.  I still struggle with Freeman’s choice to spend that time with Nicholson rather than with his wife and family.  But this is fiction and it was the screenwriters’ way of sharing with us the most profound wisdom the Bucket List has to offer. 

In their global odyssey exploring sites Freeman had always wanted to see, Freeman repays Nicholson’s generosity by teaching him that the love and life lessons we leave behind can be our most enduring and important legacy.

As they are overlooking the Egyptian pyramids, Freeman tells Nicholson that according to Egyptian lore, you're asked two questions at the gates of heaven:

1. Did you experience joy in your lifetime?
2. Did you bring joy to someone else in your lifetime?

How would our lives change if not just once but each time the sun sets we asked these two questions:

1. Did I experience joy today?
2. Did I bring joy to someone else today?

“Our days are numbered. One of the primary goals in our lives should be to prepare for our last day. The legacy we leave is not just in our possessions, but in the quality of our lives. What preparations should we be making now? The greatest waste in all of our earth, which cannot be recycled or reclaimed, is our waste of the time that God has given us each day.”—Billy Graham

Star Trek, Cadet James Kirk and the Kobayashi Maru Scenario

“Man’s mind stretched to a new idea never returns to its original dimensions” - Oliver Wendell Holmes

The Kobayashi Maru scenario was the most challenging of Starfleet Academy's training exercises.  You may recall how this test forced cadets into making what was considered a no-win decision — rescuing a disabled ship in enemy territory while risking their own ship and crew, or leaving the disabled ship, thus ensuring its crew's destruction and starting a war.

Young James Kirk was the only cadet who ever won the war game.  He did so through his out-of-the-box, positive thinking.  Kirk’s rejection of the possibility of the no-win scenario is a model for inoculating ourselves, and our children and grandchildren, against learned helplessness.

It is very easy for any of us to fall into thinking and feeling we are trapped by our current circumstances.   Unfortunately, it is much more difficult for us to shed the gravitational force of learned helplessness.

I recently read the autobiography of a man who was considered one of the finest constitutional scholars in the U.S.   I was startled to learn he struggled in elementary school.  The third and fourth grades were particularly difficult for him.  His fourth grade teacher would insist on grading tests out loud and then announced the results in front of the entire class.  If there were 20 questions, this fourth grader usually got 15 wrong and placed at the bottom of his class.  But then he fell under the influence of Miss Pearl Schaefer, a fifth grade teacher whose love, confidence and challenge helped this young boy discover the joy of learning.  The rest is history. He went on to become a superb law student, a law professor at the University of Chicago, president of a major university and much more. 

How can you and I become Pearl Schaefers?  Not just for fifth graders, but for anyone we come in contact with who is struggling with learned helplessness?

“If you're going to be passionate about something, be passionate about learning. If you're going to fight something, fight for those in need. If you're going to question something, question authority.  If you're going to lose something, lose your inhibitions.  If you're going to gain something, gain respect and confidence. And if you're going to hate something, hate the false idea that you are not capable of your dreams.” - Daniel Golston

Finish First or Finish Well? – The Joys of Relational Persistence

"What this power is I cannot say; all I know is that it exists and it becomes available only when a man is in that state of mind in which he knows exactly what he wants and is fully determined not to quit until he finds it" - Alexander Graham Bell 

I recently purchased a copy of William J. Bennett’s book, The Children’s Book of Virtues, and one of its stories I love to read my grandchildren is the fable of the tortoise and the hare.  You will remember that the persistent effort of the tortoise paid off in attaining the finish line while the much fleeter hare was enjoying slumber along the trail.

From Pennsylvania to Utah I’ve tried to help my grandchildren understand that no matter how talented we are, persistence is a key ingredient for success in any endeavor we tackle.

 The virtue of persistence also applies to the efforts of parents and grandparents to build meaningful connections with our progeny.  The father who takes one afternoon off to attend a daughter’s or son’s school or extracurricular activity has made a great initial deposit in his “relationship account” but won’t achieve as much impact as is possible through persistent commitment to make it back for every performance or game.

Persistence pays off. 

If you have been guilty, as was I, of not being as persistent in building connections with my children as I wish I had, don’t punish yourself but take comfort in this wisdom:

"Our greatest glory lies not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall" - unknown

As Charles Kettering, one of the great inventors of the 20^th Century, says:

“Every time you tear a leaf off a calendar, you present a new place for new ideas and progress”

There is a wonderful opportunity lying ahead of each us: the opportunity to strengthen our relational connections.  Kettering reminds us, “I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down.”  We can stumble into a life of relational significance through our persistence.  Your children and grandchildren won’t care if you finish first; but they will be forever grateful when you strive to put them first in your list of priorities.

 

"Where does persistence fit in? Persistent action follows commitment — that is, you first must be committed to something before you’ll persist to achieve it. Once you’ve made a commitment to achieve your goal, then you’ll follow through with relentless determination and action until you attain the desired result" - Jeff Keller

Looking Back At Mother’s Day - The Reverse Gift Opportunity

“Do something wonderful, people may imitate it.” - Albert Schweitzer

In a recent post I stressed the powerful opportunity we all have to reflect on the gifts our mothers have given us.  Today, however, I want to suggest to mothers a way in which they can give a gift which will last long after their deaths.  I call this the “Reverse Gift Opportunity”.

A few years ago I was explaining to a client how she could leave a memorandum which would designate whom she wanted to receive her jewelry and other collectibles and keepsakes.  She responded:

“I have such beautiful jewelry and I want to make sure that I don't leave the girls in a position where they might fight over our heirlooms.  And, you know I'm wondering if I could leave the letter I would like to leave to the girls with that memo."

"What kind of letter do you have in mind?" I asked her. 

"Well," she responded, "I just feel like I have to leave a letter to each of my girls like my mother left to me.  You see my dad abandoned us before I was a year old.  My mother did the best job she could to raise me.  But I never saw my dad...don't even remember him and never had any desire to try to find him.  But just after I turned nine my mother died from a terminal illness.  I was forced to live with my grandmother and those were miserable years.  My heart ached for my mother and my grandmother seemed so mean.  I was sure my mother would never approve of all the strict rules my grandmother imposed on me.  By the time I was 14 I was doing everything my grandmother didn't want me to do just to spite her:  I ran with the wrong crowd, didn't do my homework, skipped school frequently, and really was plotting to run away from my grandmother's home.”

“On the morning of my 16^th birthday my grandmother greeted me with a ‘Happy Birthday Karen’ and handed me an envelope.  At first I thought it was from my grandmother but fortunately I looked at the cover and noticed what I thought was my name addressed in my mother's handwriting.  Instead of throwing the envelope away as I had initially intended, I opened it up.  And, there was a handwritten letter of three pages.  In it my mother said something like this:

Dearest Karen,

I've asked your grandmother to deliver this letter to you on your sixteenth birthday.  How I wished I could have lived to see you blow out those 17 candles on your birthday cake on this day.  There are so many things, Karen, that I wanted to do with you.  I wanted to be there to see you walk down the commencement ceremony at your high school graduation in your cap and gown.  I wanted to drive you to College and help you get situated in your dorm.  I wanted to be there when you graduated from College.  I wanted to give you away at your wedding.  I wanted to be there when you brought your first baby home from the hospital..."

By this time Karen was overcome by emotion and even I was reaching for the kleenex box.  When she regained her composure Karen finished the story.  "This letter changed my life.  I suddenly had a reason to be the person my mother had dreamed I would be rather than the person I felt my grandmother was forcing me to be.  I changed my friends.  I began to study and do my homework.  My grades improved immediately and I was able to get a scholarship to a couple of colleges.  I met Charles while a junior at college and went on to earn my college degree.  We got married and have two beautiful daughters.  All the things that my mother dreamed for me have come true."

So it was that night I learned how a letter from the grave, or at least a letter delivered years after the writer's death, could have had such a powerful transformative impact on the life of a child.  Since then I've always tried to share what I have called the “Nine Year Old Orphan’s Letter” idea with the parents of minor children. 

Today, I want to suggest that every mother on Mother’s Day should consider writing a letter to her children and grandchildren.  In these letters or notes you could share your feelings about:

A time when you were a child and you made me so proud

The memories I have of your birth and how grateful I am that you came into my life

My hopes and dreams for your future and how precious the days and hours are that I get to spend with you

If your child is young, all the hopes and dreams I have of things I will be able to do with you and witness in your life

Why I feel like I won the Child Lottery and am the luckiest parent in the whole wide world

What are the traditions, holiday celebrations and rituals you most hope that your children and grandchildren will perpetuate in their lives and what are some of your favorite memories of your time with your child during one of those holidays, rituals or traditions

Don’t just write these letters or notes but read them to your child or grandchild in person, if possible, or over the phone if they live a great distant from you.  Let them hear the emotion behind the words.  And then most importantly, preserve those letters and notes after you have delivered them.

"The great art of giving consists in this: the gift should cost very little and yet be greatly coveted, so that it may be the more highly appreciated." - Baltasar Gracian

 

A Joyful Life – A Mother’s Gift to Her Daughter

“To live joyfully you must be brave. True joy is not for the fainthearted. You must decide to be happy. Joy is an act of courage. Joy will not abide until you make a conscious decision to treasure it… Gratitude is the gateway to joy” - Elaine Marshall

Sometimes an encounter with another human being can be the spark that ignites a powerful and sustaining fire in us.  Parents too often don’t realize that their most powerful influence might come many years after their child has left the nest.

A story Elaine Marshall told in her 2004 address entitled In This Life I Shall Have Joy describes how a mother’s generative words would rekindle her daughter’s soul and lead to a life transforming attitude shift.  Elaine and her mother had volunteered to work at a niece’s wedding reception.  Elaine had been busy putting pink mints on glass plates while her mother and aunt were laboring in the kitchen.  When Elaine returned to the kitchen she overheard a conversation between her mother and her aunt.  She stopped out of their sight and eavesdropped on their conversation about her.  Here is Elaine’s description of how her mother’s words, spoken at a very difficult moment in Elaine’s life, would have a powerful impact on the way Elaine would live the rest of her life:

“The organdy lace wedding apron was barely holding my soul together. I was quietly just hanging on spiritually and emotionally. It was a time in my life of little joy. My mother and her sister were talking…together nearby. I heard my aunt ask my mother, “How is Elaine?” Mom responded, “I believe she has made a decision to be happy. She has a garden and flowers in her yard. She sews and writes, and she works hard. She keeps a clean house and plays beautiful music. Her children are doing well. I think she has decided to be brave and to be happy.”

I wept a few tears as I eavesdropped on my mother’s conversation. I was lonely, tired, and grief stricken. I didn’t know if I had made a conscious decision to be happy. But hearing my mother’s hopeful description of me, I wanted it to be true. So I did decide to be happy. I decided that night to find joy in every day. It has been difficult. But I was brave. I am not so brave every day, but I do try to remember that joy is a decision that requires courage.”

Have you made a conscious decision to be happy and to live a joy-Full life? 

Have you thought about a way in which you might record and share encouraging words which will lift and sustain another?  What if Elaine had not walked in at the moment her mother was speaking those words?  Could Elaine’s mother have written something similar in a note or letter and wouldn’t that have had as powerful an impact?

"In order to know joy, you have to be there. Joy requires presence. My friends know that if I were not too stingy to buy personalized vanity license plates for my car, I would choose my favorite word. The word is vivace. Vivace is an Italian word used in music. It sounds like music. It means life, lively, quickening. It sounds alive. It reminds me to wake up, to be acute and sensitive, alert, alive. It means vitality, la joie de vivre, vibrance, vigor. It reminds me to touch the palpable gift and reality of life" - Elaine Marshall