Seedlings

The Value of a Plan

“All you need is the plan, the road map, and the courage to press on to your destination” - Earl Nightingale

Here’s my adaptation of Aesop’s Fable of the Man, Boy and Donkey:

A father and his almost adult son set out to sell their donkey and buy winter provisions. As they were walking alongside the donkey, a passerby said, “You fools, what is a donkey but for to ride upon?”. So the father put his son on the donkey. Then they passed another group of laborers, one of whom said: “See that lazy youngster, he rides and makes his father walk.” So the man ordered the boy off the donkey and got on himself. They hadn’t gone far when passed by two women, one of whom said: “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor son trudge along.” Shamed, the man had his son get on the donkey in front of him and started to town.

Entering the gates of the city, the father noticed passers-by were jeering and pointing at them as they rode the donkey. He stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The villagers replied, “Aren’t you ashamed for overloading that poor donkey, you and your hulking son?” In compliance with the dissident voices and mocking fingers, the man and boy got off and tried to think of what to do. They cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders, and marched slowly towards the marketplace. As they were crossing the bridge, the son stumbled, and in the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge and drowned because his feet were tied.

“That will teach you”, said an old man who had followed them.

Aesop concludes his fable by saying: “PLEASE ALL, AND YOU WILL PLEASE NONE”.

The father and son had failed in their goal of selling the donkey and had no money to buy the winter provisions they needed in order to survive.

How much different the outcome would have been if the father and son had had a plan to follow. The Father could have said, “I’ll ride the donkey one-third of the way; Son, you ride the donkey one-third of the way; and we’ll both walk the last third of the way. The donkey will arrive at the marketplace fresh and strong, ready to be sold.”

Then, as they received confusing advice while traveling through each hamlet and village along their way to the city, they could look at each other, give a reassuring wink of the eye, and say, “We have a plan.”

We all need plans, whether it is for work or for the most important work we do as parents and grandparents. There’s an important donkey in each of our lives. What is your plan for it?

“Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.”—William Arthur Ward

 

The Calculus of Love -- A Formula for Enduring Legacies

“It was the day my father died…in the small hospital room.  I was supporting him in my arms, when…my father slumped back…I lowered his head gently onto the pillow.  I…told my mother…: “It’s all over, Mom.  Dad is dead.’…My mother said:’Oh, he was so proud of you. He loved you so much.’…these words…were like a sudden shaft of light, like a startling thought I had never before absorbed.  Yet there was a definite edge of pain, as though I were going to know my father better in death than I had ever known him in life.”  Later, while a doctor was verifying death, I was leaning against the wall in the far corner of the room, crying softly.  A nurse came over to me and put a comforting arm around me.  I couldn’t talk through my tears.  I wanted to tell her: “’I’m not crying because my father is dead.  I’m crying because my father never told me that he was proud of me…never told me that he loved me.  Of course, I was expected to know these things…but he never told me.’”  John Powell, as told inThe Secret of Staying in Love, p. 68

 

There are so many unknowns in the calculus of love…the factors of When, How, and Who are all part of the equation. 

Until love is expressed, whether in word or through action, its influence is unfelt and emotionally inert.  Only When love is communicated do we release its positive energy. 

Through the expression of love two people benefit immediately: the speaker or doer as well as the recipient of the word or deed.  In the sadness expressed by John Powell in the story above, we see how devastating it is when we treat love as an assumption rather than an expression.

How we express our love, appreciation, pride or any other positive emotion intended to uplift, matters not as much as the expression itself.  Surely there are myriad facets for the Hows in this Calculus of Love.  Each sparkles and shimmers with the positivity of emotion.  What tarnishes the expression of love, and turns the calculus negative, are insincerity, indifference, and domineering pride.

The Who is defined by the circle of our family and the circumference of deep friendship.  Each within that radius will benefit from the expression of our love.  And, if the expression can be preserved in writing, audio or video files that can be treasured electronically, so much the better.  For then those expressions will live on to prove that we heeded the admonition of Harriet Beecher Stowe that “the bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.” 

The day will come when, after harnessing [space], the winds, the tides, gravitation, we shall harness for God the energies of love. And, on that day, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire--Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

 

 

 

 

Growth Boards Are Parenting "Totem Poles"

 

“The potential possibilities of our child are the most intriguing we will ever witness in all of creation.  The awakening of those potentialities is our most important responsibility as a parent”—John “John A” Warnick

 

As a child I was fascinated by totem poles.  Some were scary; others inviting.  But each was colorful and unique.

Our children and grandchildren are as unique as a totem pole.  As the poet Wordsworth wrote in his Ode “Intimations of Immortality” each child comes “trailing clouds of glory”.  Each child/adult’s “exterior semblance doth belie” the “soul’s immensity.”  Within the immensity of the human soul lie wondrous gifts and talents, waiting to be uncovered and developed with a lifetime of patience and persistence.

Our biggest opportunity as parents and grandparents is to believe in the divine worth of our children and grandchildren.  And the awakening of the potentialities within our child is our biggest responsibility.  We start by helping our child/grandchild understand “God doesn’t make junk”.  We also need to nurture their confidence and resilience.  The Growth Board can be a key tool to assist us in these tasks.  But before I share the exciting possibilities of a Growth Board, let’s explore the meaning of the totem pole.

The art forms, faces, figures and stories represented on totem poles were part of the tribal legacy.  Often the accomplishments of an individual and the rights acquired during his lifetime were chronicled on the totem pole.

You may have fond memories of your mother or father placing a pencil mark on the wall in your kitchen or bedroom.  On each birthday I had to stop wiggling long enough for my mom to be able to draw a line, note the height and date.  And, then my parents would point with pride to the fact I had grown a couple of inches.

That height chart was preserved when the kitchen was repainted. But then I left home and eventually my parents sold the home and the record of my physical growth was lost.  What if there was a way to chronicle not just the physical growth of a child, but to create a lasting reminder of your child’s greatest accomplishments?  That is what I call the Growth Board. 

This idea was sparked by a practice I learned about from a very accomplished man, who along with his wife, found a way to profoundly encourage their children.  He chose a finely grained piece of wood, soft enough to carve.  On the “board” as he called it, he would place a knotch, with the date and his child’s height, to mark a special event or achievement in their life journey.  But that wasn’t the only thing they did with the “board”.  They would carefully choose words of inspiration.  Perhaps a quote, a scripture, or even something remarkable the child uttered.  For one son who was so timid he wouldn’t even walk into a store and talk to a teller or clerk, he carved the words “Bold as a Lion” along with the image of a large lion roaring.  In time his son found the courage to overcome his timidity.

With another son he climbed a high mountain but fatigue overcame his son and they never attained the peak.  Instead of allowing disappointment to mar that memory, the father saw a way to chronicle their time together.  He carved an image of an Eagle on the board and found a quote that talked of “Soaring Like an Eagle”. 

Imagine what the Growth Board tradition might mean in a family.  In a family room or den there are several generations of Growth Boards displayed, a visible reminder to the rising generations of the family of the family’s tradition of seeking to develop the gifts we have been blessed with and overcoming our weaknesses and the adversity which inevitably is part of our life journey.

A Growth Board doesn’t have to be limited to fathers and sons. Mothers and daughters should be a part of the Growth Board tradition.  Nor need it be limited to parents.  Even grandfathers and grandmothers can start today to create this Family Totem Pole.  May yours be colorful, meaningful and created with love and your abiding faith in the goodness and unique gifts your children and grandchildren have been blessed with.

 

“When you put faith, hope and love together, you can raise positive kids in a negative world”—Zig Ziglar

 

 

 

 

A Tale of Two Incubators

 

 

“Sibling relationships - and 80 percent of Americans have at least one - outlast marriages, survive the death of parents, resurface after quarrels that would sink any friendship. They flourish in a thousand incarnations of closeness and distance, warmth, loyalty and distrust”—Erica E. Goode

Brielle and Kyrie Jackson were born prematurely.  While they had spent months together in their mother’s womb, now at birth the two tiny girls were placed in separate incubators to reduce the risk of infection.  Kyrie, the larger of the two, weighed only two pounds three ounces.  She began gaining weight and strength immediately.  But Brielle struggled.  Soon her condition worsened.  As Brielle’s blood oxygen level plummeted and her heart rate soared the intensive care nurse fought to save her.  As she met with Brielle’s worried parents she offered one final suggestion to save their daughter.  “Let me just try putting Brielle in with her sister to see if that helps.” The parents consented and the nurse placed the squirming Brielle in Kyrie’s incubator.  Brielle snuggled next to her sister and stopped squirming.  Within minutes her blood oxygen levels improved and her heart rate subsided.  As Brielle dozed peacefully Kyrie wrapped her tiny arm around her smaller sister.  

This miraculous story is taken from an article by Nancy Sheehan entitled “A Sister’s Helping Hand” in the May 1996 issue of the Reader’s Digest at pages 155-56.

As I have pondered on the power of sibling relationships, for good or for ill, this story gives me great hope that no matter what our age or circumstances, if we can just maintain positive contact with our siblings, we will be strengthened and helped throughout our life journey.  May you be a Kyrie for the Brielles in your life.  And may there always be a Kyrie wrapping her/his loving arm around you.

 

“I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at”—Maya Angelou

 

 

The Five Second Hugging Practice

"A hug delights and warms and charms,
that must be why God gave us arms."~Author Unknown

In the last couple of months, I've been reflecting on the power of a hug to convey love and friendship, warmth and encouragement, comfort and empathy.  I've looked at both sides of hugs...as a greeting and as a farewell...as well as the wonderful warmth of affirming and empowering hugs.

 In a recent visit with three of my young grandsons in Pennsylvania I was inspired to try an experiment.  What is the optimal duration of a grandfather/grandson hug?  My very small sampling suggests three to five to seconds is ideal for hugs with squirmy young grandsons.  With that research in hand, I dug a little deeper looking for serious scientific inquiries into the question of what the ideal duration of a hug might be.  

To my amazement I found a study by British psychologist Emese Nagy of the duration and nature of hugs among the athletes at the 2008 Summer Olympics.  The average duration of these spontaneous hugs (including touching before and after the embrace) was 4.81 seconds.

But perhaps much more important than the duration of a hug, particularly when it comes to hugs for our children and grandchildren, is the frequencies with which we give hugs.

Virginia Satir, a respected family therapist, has said "(w)e need four hugs a day for survival.  We need eight hugs for maintenance.  We need twelves hugs a day for growth." And, research in a Korea orphanage demonstrated a significant boost in the health and growth of infant orphans who received an extra 15 minutes a day of physical touching.

There is a magic in hugging.  This simple form of affection boosts a young child's mental and physical development.  Hugging aids in the development of life skills.

Sadly, research shows that female infants receive almost five times as much hugging and touching as males.  And the Univ. of Pittsburgh reports that when it comes to soothing, holding or playing, American children receive significantly less contact than those of other cultures.  As our children grow older we tend to forget the importance of hugging.  Yet, it may be as vital for teenagers to be hugged and affirmed as it is for young children.

So let's commit ourselves today to a practice of hugging.  And, here's just some of the myriad daily opportunities for you and your child or grandchild to experience the Fusion of Hugging:

• Say good morning with a hug
• Say good night with a hug and a kiss
• Hug your child when they come home from school or when you get home from work
• Hug your child when you pick them up from day-care or the babysitter's
• Say thank-you with a hug
• Hug them to appreciate when they've done their chores
• Hug your child after a performance or game
• Hug them on your (their) way out the door in the morning
• Hug them and whisper "I Love You" as a Random Moment of Affection
• Hug them before they leave on a date and on their return
• Hug them when they have had a bad day or run into adversity
• Hug them when they recount a special accomplishment or moment in their life

"The best gift you can give is a hug.  One size fits all and no one minds if you return it."
~Author Unknown

 

Guest Blog - Lessons From a Venerable Old Gentleman by Scott Farnsworth

This Guest Blog comes from my friend, Scott Farnsworth, founder of the Sunbridge Legacy Builder Network and initiator of the Priceless Conversations which were the inspiration for the Purposeful Conversations we use to help clients create Purposeful Gifts & Trusts.  You can learn more about Scott and his work by going to www.sunbridgenetwork.com.  This post describes a remarkable lesson which occurred one Sunday morning as Scott and his wife, Marcie, were racing to their church.  It has a surprise ending so please be sure you read the entire post.

We were rushing down a narrow road on a sunny Sunday morning.  Marcie had taken longer to get ready than usual, and with her arthritis, she requires a little extra time to get to the car.  I was intent on making up the time as we left for church.

In Central Florida we often must slow down to accommodate our senior citizens.  But when an old timer stepped onto the highway directly ahead of us that morning, it irritated me.

His grey suit was rather worn and tattered and his gait was a bit stiff, but he held his head high.  His air of authority left me no choice but to hit the brakes.

“I wish this old fellow realized we’re in a hurry,” I blurted.   

“Honey, just be patient,” Marcie counseled.

He walked across the first lane, then halted squarely in the middle of the road, fully erect.  A car from the other direction was also forced to stop. 

“The nerve of this character!” I said.  “He acts like he owns the place.  Now he’s got the whole road blocked.”

He looked back over his shoulder.  Our gaze followed his to see his partner was a few yards behind him, limping slowly and with great effort. 

“Look, he’s stopping traffic so she can cross safely,” my wife observed.  “What a sweet, caring gentleman.”

Looking more closely, we discovered why she was hobbling. 

I saw she had no foot on her right leg, just a stump.  “Oh my gracious, she’s walking on a stump!”

It took several minutes for her to pass in front of us.  Only when she was safe did he leave his post in the middle of the road.  Then they continued on their way, side by side. 

Watching them together, my impatience dissipated and my heart melted at this amazing example of devotion and commitment.    

But now let me share with you the rest of the story.

The venerable old gentleman was a sand hill crane.  Around here, we see these birds frequently and virtually always in pairs.

That’s because sand hill cranes mate for life.  They are fiercely protective of their partners.  They care for each other even when their coats are not as shiny and their bodies not as perfect as they once were.  They do not abandon companionships that become dated or difficult or inconvenient.  They remain loyal to the end. 

This gentleman’s example of commitment and compassion and selflessness is one that all of us would do well to emulate.  In our culture of throwaway relationships, it’s reassuring to be reminded by a so-called “lesser” specie that, even through thick and thin, marriages can last a lifetime — perhaps an eternity.

Hugging is Human Fusion

"A hug delights and warms and charms, that must be why God gave us arms." ~Author Unknown

“Hugging is human fusion: it produces more energy than it consumes.

Hugging is organic, free of pesticides and preservatives.

Hugging requires no special instructions to assemble and has no removable parts or batteries to wear out.

Hugging is non-taxable, non-polluting and theft-proof.

It’s the one thing we need more of in our families and throughout the world.”

–John A. Warnick

“Everybody needs a hug. It changes your metabolism." ~Leo Buscaglia

Our Family Blessings

A Guest Post by Hartley Goldstone, originally posted here: http://www.navigatingthetrustscape.com/ 

 

Our Family Blessings

Parents' Story:

We started blessings, as we called it, with our kids when they were very young. At Christmas time, we asked each of the kids to write a blessing to each other and to their mom and their dad. They all went into a big pot. Then we sat around the fire and sorted them out and each of us read the blessings we had received from the others.

There was no requirement or expectation of what the kids were supposed to say. They could say anything they wanted. Even things like, I was really mad at you because you took my ball or something, you know, but now I'm not mad anymore. It would be that type of thing. As they grew older they got more perspective the blessings became more intimate. Very touching.

I think that has made a massive difference in the ability of our kids to talk to each other and for us to talk to them. They got used to telling each other how they really felt about something. Our kids are all close with each other in a relatively unusual way, I think, because they talk to each other, they know what is happening in each other's lives in a very personal, intimate kind of way.

Now that our kids are adults, before they arrive we sit down and write out a discussion form, just three or four things to be thinking of. Such things as how are things going with your family, at your place of employment this year, are their problems with your company, where you are, this kind of thing. The questions are just to give everybody a chance to think a little bit about what we might be talking about.

They all come over and we have breakfast for them. Then we sit down and we go around. Everybody gets a chance to say what they want to say and how things are going in their lives. They are very forthcoming. They are really honest.

We go around and really catch up and that includes us. We get our turn as well.

Sometimes there are tears. Everybody gets teary when somebody else is getting teary. If somebody has something going on that is difficult, we are all there. They've always known that we are all there for each other all the time.

Sometimes the simplest ideas are the best. Our tradition of blessings at Christmas changed our family.

Neither of us did this as kids. It was something we talked about doing. We liked the idea really well so we put it into practice. Now we do something similar with our little grandkids.

One Christmas when we were doing our blessings we told our kids that we wanted them to have their inheritances while they could really use it and while we were alive so we could enjoy watching them.

Here's how that came about. First of all, I guess we did pretty well in starting businesses. We decided that as healthy as we are (and we are very healthy) that our life expectancies are long ones. We said, "Well geez, the kids are going to be older than we are now before they see a dime." That didn't make sense to either of us. So we decided four or five years ago that we were going to start downloading wealth, as we called it, so that we could see, experience what our kids are doing.

We had a conversation about not wanting to make their life super easy. We feel and felt than they needed to stretch themselves and take risks and get their noses bloody a time or two. We didn't want to take those kinds of life experiences away from them. At the same time, we wanted to shift some assets down to them. We kind of worked our way through most of that.

Our kids are all very solid, very competent. They all have families. Our grandkids are being raised in the most wonderful way. The grandkids themselves are exploring their talents in various ways. We encourage that type of thing.

So we give each of them a check. We do it based on each person's needs and good common sense. Not one of those kids of ours cares whatsoever about what somebody else gets.

We made a fundamental decision that the only generation we are concerned about is our own kids. Our grandkids, it is their responsibility to figure that stuff out.

We just don't feel like we want to be controlling down the line. We want to only work with the first generation. They can work with the rest of it.

That goes along with our philosophy that our kids are quite capable.

Daughter's Story:

One of the things that is really unique about my parents is that for all the warts we have in our family, there is something that is magical about their combination. It's far greater than what they bring to the table individually. My mom always says that one plus one equals four (a play on there being four of us kids).

From a money perspective, my mom is one of the most "unmoney" oriented people I know. She gives freely, she accepts freely. She was not raised with money. There seems to be no hooks about money with her.

My dad wasn't raised with money either. He has always been the major breadwinner in our family. He is the entrepreneur - the one who started multiple businesses, the last of which is the one that really exploded for them and created the wealth that is in my family.

My dad has a strong feeling of wanting to raise his children up on his shoulders. He doesn't give with strings. I never get the sense that he has any expectations when he gives to us, in fact, it seems clear to me that my parents have always been more focused on our family's human capital than our financial capital.

A perfect example of this is when I started my business. In my mid-20s I had a strong desire to start my own business – but I was scared. My mom and dad and I went to dinner one night and my dad said to me, "You've been talking about this business for so long – why don't you quit your job and just do it?" He was pushing me. "Decide to take action – get off the fence."

I got fierce about it. "I am not going to throw myself off of a financial cliff. You didn't raise me that way." He was a big risk taker and had raised us that way, but I told him I wasn't taking the big financial risk.

He and I left dinner mad at each other. He called me later that week. "I understand what you are talking about. I've heard you talk about this dream for so long, I want you to make it happen. What is the worst thing that could happen?"

"The worst thing that could happen is that I can't pay my mortgage."

"We have an entire basement you can move into. If the shit hits the fan you will rent or sell your place and you have a basement to move into." He didn't say, "I'm going to swoop in and send you a check to pay your mortgage."

I really loved that that was his response. I think one of the great challenges of integrating financial wealth into a human life is the potential to undermine your confidence in your ability to do something on your own. Whether he did it consciously or fell into it unconsciously, he and my mom let me know their support was there and allowed me to take risks that I wouldn't have taken otherwise. I didn't feel undermined by the money part of it. I felt that I had their true support – not the "I will write you and check and cover it" kind of support.

It seems important to find the most pure understanding of what money is to you, to each of us. What is the imprint, what is the message you would like to transfer to the next generation about money in its most pure form? Not who has money but what is possible because of money.

The first time that my parents gave us distributions from their assets was absolutely unexpected. My parents asked us to come to their house one morning during the first week in December. This was our first family meeting. We hadn't been together as a nuclear family for many years. So to have my parents ask us to come back, just the six of us, for a meeting was an extraordinary thing. The four of us kids had no idea what to expect.

I remember being both nervous and excited. I got up really, really early. There was a big snowstorm. I got in the car and drove to my parents' house. The meeting was a 9 o'clock. I barely got there in time because of the snow.

It was oddly uncomfortable to have the six of us together. We were all standing around my parent's kitchen. We hadn't been together in so many years. We knew the conversation was going to be about estate planning.

I remember going from feeling too hot, to feeling too cold. I was nervous and I didn't know what to expect (I mean, we were talking about my parents dying, right?). I was feeling this was all a little weird, and my heart kept fluttering, even though my mind was trying to be calm. We are going to talk about what? I found myself was really appreciating being there, with my brothers and my parents, even though we were all a little uncomfortable.

There was a lot of nervous laughter. One of my brothers was making hilarious off-color jokes about my parents dying. We all laughed because we didn't know what else to do. Our parents aren't that old and nobody was thinking about them dying or us inheriting anything. We all knew there were significant assets but didn't know how much. It felt like that was something you didn't talk about.

When my parents' attorney showed up to facilitate the meeting, we all got together and sat down. He gave us some context about why estate planning is important and a sense of what documentation is necessary to honor both my parents' intentions. Also, why it is important for each of us to have estate plans as we married and had children.

My parents asked each of us to give an update on where we were at in life and what was going on. We shared deep feelings about where we were in our lives; it was like it cracked something open in each of us. I think for the most part, my family has always liked each other, but I feel like it was that day that we really laid the foundation for us all to have relationships as adults together.

Toward the end of the meeting my parents said, "We've told you all along that there is a significant amount of wealth that came out of this last business that went public and we feel strongly that we don't want you guys to wait to get this money until we are dead. Each of you guys is going to be incredibly successful in your own right; you probably won't need it when we are dead. We want to see it impact your lives while we are alive. We want to see the power of what this money can do in your lives now."

My dad was really clear – it was the first time I ever heard him say, and he has said multiple times since then - that he created this first wave of wealth but has no desire to have any control over it past our generation. Other than funds that he and my mom might put away for each of the grandkids' college, they have no designs for the wealth. They very consciously didn't set up trusts or formal ways to distribute money to us. In his typical way, my dad said, "Once it hits your generation it's your problem."

My dad handed out checks made out to each one of us. I remember the noise and confusion in my head because nobody was expecting that.

That was the first year. The six of us have had family meetings in December every single year since then. My parents have chosen some years to give less, some years to give more. I have no idea how they come up with what it is they chose to give. If some year they give nothing, I guarantee you every single one of us wouldn't bat an eye at it. We come together now because it is this yearly catharsis. We spend hours telling about our wins and challenges. Each year someone ends up taking up two hours of the time together because they need to cry and be heard and have their family see and support them. It shifts and it is different things at different times.

I look at how we lived, how we were raised, and it never, ever, was about what other people were doing. What car should we be driving, what house should we live in, where should our vacation home be, what scholarships? I never remembered my parents comparing to others.

I think that has been a massive blessing. When I started off I said something about having the warts that all families have. One of the things that I absolutely treasure about my family is that we've lived all of those warts as openly and courageously as we could, individually and as a family.

One of the strengths I recognize in my parents is to be willing, even if it looks ugly on the outside, to name warts to the extent that we can. We talk about them; there is a willingness to not have to be perfect for other people's sake.

I feel really, deeply grateful. I have a really full heart when I think about my parents and my brothers. I recognize that these are the people that know me longest on this planet and that I have a totally unique gift in the fact that we have this annual family gathering.

Actually...I think I need to send my parents a note and say thank you. They are pretty amazing. 

The Power of Example

“Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it's the only thing”—Albert Schweitzer

Every day, consciously but much more often unconsciously, each of us is transmitting certain behaviors, feelings and lifestyles to others.  It is your choice and mine whether that influence will be a positive and lasting influence.  To move from the positive but fleeting influence to the memorable and lasting influence requires both intention and action.  It is what I call capturing the Power of Example.  

The brightest influence of your personal legacy will be the illuminating power of example and selfless sacrifice.  The following story, offered by Elaine Dalton as a tribute to her father’s influence on her as a child, is an example of how we can create both a positive and lasting influence:

An elderly widow lived next door to Elaine’s family.  Her home was badly in need of paint and exterior maintenance but she didn’t have the money to pay for it.  Instead of offering to pay for the painting of the widow’s home, Elaine’s father took a week of vacation time from his job and marshaled his family to assist in the painting project.  

At the time Elaine thought that was the greatest family vacation she had ever experienced because her father taught her how to paint.  But this selfless act of service had a much more positive and sustaining influence then simply brightening the widow’s home.  It created a bright example which burns brightly today in Elaine’s consciousness and inspires her to find ways to serve others.  This is how she described her father’s influence:

“My father was my hero. I used to wait on the steps of our home for him to arrive each night. He would pick me up and twirl me around and let me put my feet on top of his big shoes, and then he would dance me into the house. I loved the challenge of trying to follow his every footstep. I still do.” 

The wonderful truth about parenting and grandparenting is that we each can be a hero for those who will follow in our footsteps.

What is the one thing in your personal life you would most like to be remembered for?  How can you create an opportunity to indelibly imprint this example upon the minds of your young children or grandchildren?  When will you start and what will be the first step towards creating this legacy moment or project? Who will help you with this project and hold you accountable to complete the task?  

“The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example.”—Benjamin Disraeli

Hope – Never, Never Give Up on Your Child or Grandchild

“Hope has two beautiful daughters.  Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are.”—Augustine of Hippo 

There is nothing sadder than a parent or grandparent who has given up on their child or grandchild. 

Some years ago a lawyer from San Francisco, James Stillman, introduced me to a term and concept that radically changed the way I look at children or grandchildren who have been branded wayward, difficult or hostile. The term was “Designed Difficult One” of DDO for short. 

Mr. Stillman pointed out virtually every family he worked with had a “Designated Difficult One”, a child or grandchild who marches to a different tune than the rest of the tribe.  He noted that when he made the effort to reach out to the DDO and to listen to them he often discovered they had perspectives which really needed to be heard.  When I shared the DDO concept with a cultural anthropologist recently she told me that in her experience the DDO is the “voice of the family system” and families benefit greatly from paying attention to their DDOs. 

I have concluded that a key to the success of flourishing families is their ability to extend unconditional love to their DDOs.  How well we listen to the DDO demonstrates to all members of the family that we love each of them unconditionally as well.

The spirit of love and inclusion required to embrace your DDO is captured in this poem entitled “Outwitted” by Edwin Markham:

He drew a circle that shut me out —
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in. 

So instead of giving up on your child or grandchild, perhaps you might want to step back and ask yourself:  “what message am I missing and what opportunity to grow is our family forfeiting because I’m not willing to listen and learn from my child/grandchild?” 

"Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there's always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires."—Marcelene Cox