Seedlings

Guest Blog - Kite Flying

This Guest Blog comes from my friend, Dr. Ted Klontz, co-founder of Your Mental Wealth and Klontz Consulting Group.  You can learn more about Ted and his work on his website http://www.yourmentalwealth.com/. I think you will enjoy Ted's story of playing with his young granddaughter and his reminder about the importance of showing up and being as willing and present as possible.  That works everytime with grandkids.  And, it's a wonderful formula for interacting with adults, in and beyond our family circle.  I can't wait to "Kite Play" with my grandkids come springtime.  In the meantime I'm going to look for other opportunities to stretch my playful muscles when I'm around them.

  Wow, the Windy City was living up to its reputation. 20-25 mile per hour gusty winds showed up as ordered for “Community Kite Day”, sponsored by the local Department of Parks and Recreation. However, the warmth that was imagined for this didn’t make an appearance. 33 + degrees, snow spitting periodically, the sun playing peek-a-boo with us, along with the aforementioned stout winds made for a perfect day to be a kite. Not so much the kite flier.

Not to be deterred by the weather, six-year old granddaughter Morgan was game and so was I. Bundled up more like we were going cross country skiing than kite flying we walked the two blocks to the park where we joined four other brave adults (out of a city of 14,000) and their little munchkins to do the deed.

But I had a secret. I didn’t know how a grandfather was supposed to play “kites” with his granddaughter. My most typical role as grandfather is fixing things around mom and dad’s house like broken toys, and cooking. I had been enrolled once as a prince marrying the princess, but didn’t have to know much, because I was told very directly what to do and not do. I also was good for a book reading now and then at their request.

Though I had two grandfathers growing up, playing kites (or anything else) with them, never happened, and I only remember playing with my father one day. There never seemed to be all that much time for playing. So, finding no instruction book on the subject, I thought I would just wing it.

We quickly put the pre-fab kite together. Footnote: when we were kids, we used to try to make our own kites with newspapers, string, glue, sticks, and ripped up rags for tails. Not with any great degree of success, by the way. Trust me. Prefab kites? BETTER.

Morgan was actually jumping up and down with excitement as we readied the kite. With her holding the string, we let out about 10 feet; I tossed the kite into the air, and she took off running. The kite immediately popped up in the sky. The look on her face was an “I can’t believe this!” What she did say was “Look Pappy, look!”. The wind was incredibly cooperative. She ran around the park for a full 10 minutes, jerking it around as if it was a fun-loving, unruly, untrained puppy.

When she tired of that, I showed her how to let the string all the way out so the kite could go higher. As she did that the kite went straight up as if it was a thoroughbred released from the starting gate. She soon discovered that if she just loosely held the stick the string was wound around, the wind took over and within 20 seconds the kite shot up over 300 feet in the air. Pretty much straight up. I was amazed myself. I have never seen such a perfect wind for kite flying. Morgan couldn’t contain her excitement. Her grin was wider than her face. Her shrieks of “Look, Pappy!”, “Watch!” echoed through the park, causing some of the other adults to look at us, perhaps wondering what in the world I was doing to this child. I was focused on Morgan’s face and saw a look of total mastery. A rare moment for any of us, especially I’m guessing, for a six-year old who lives in a made-for-big people world.

Once the kite had reached its terminal altitude, things calmed down and she handed me the kite. I showed her a couple of tricks she hadn’t thought of yet and we shared what little “generational knowledge” I had about kite flying. She discovered that the kite would dance and swirl, or pitch up and down, as a result of what she did with her arms as she ran around in giant circles. It seemed as if she was experiencing pure unadulterated delight, totally present in the moment. Nothing else seemed to exist for her. Such innocence. Such simple joy.

All this had taken about 20 minutes and I was secretly thinking, “Ok, it’s cold; we’ve done the kite thing, now she’ll probably want to go, and I will pretend to not celebrate the decision.” But she had another idea. “Pappy go stand under the kite so I can see how far away it is from us.” A football field away, I waved to her. She was impressed by the distance. She screamed “I CAN HARDLY SEE YOU!”,or at least that is what I thought she was saying, not being able to trust my decades-old ears as well as I used to. I do know she screamed in delight, right after she said it.

When I got back to her, in my indirect way, I said “What would you like to do now?” She took a few winds of the string around the stick to begin the process of bringing the kite back to us, then handed me the stick and said, “Wind this up for me”. With that order, she went a few steps ahead of me and grabbed the string and followed it the entire 100 yards as I rapidly wound the string up. Essentially she was “flying” the kite in a different way, while I wrapped string. Thinking (praying is more like it; I was C-O-L-D) this was it, I said, “When I get this string all wrapped, let’s go to Amelia’s (a neighborhood diner) and get some hot chocolate.” She was excited about that possibility. I sure was.

It took about 10 minutes for me to wind the string up. As I got finished she asked to hold it, and proceeded to let the wind unwind the entire 300 feet of string, again………

She looked at me with a big grin and said, “Pappy, wind it up again,” as she took off with her hand around the string following it all the way to the kite, eventually bringing it to the ground yet again. We played that ritual out six more times. Carpal tunnel was a growing risk factor.

I could tell that it was an incredibly pleasing thing for her to know that she was making the kite go up and that she could make it come down. She was enthralled. Mesmerized. Such power. So much control over what happened next. So much mastery.

I have a suspicion that we would still be there, if her father hadn‘t come to check on us and let us know that the agenda needed to move forward. We wound the kite up for the last time, took it apart and put it away. Dad gave us a ride to the diner. We ordered and each had the biggest hot chocolate I’d ever seen. I asked her how she liked it; she looked at me and gave me a silent “thumbs up.”

She later reported to her mom about how much fun we had playing.

As I reflected on my fear of not knowing how to “play kites,” I realized that perhaps not knowing how to do it, opened me up to just allow it to happen. No plans, no preconceptions, no directions to her about how it was “supposed” to be done. She invented and developed the experience. It was fully hers, I simply assisted.

I was reminded once again that my showing up, being willing and as fully present as I can be, might just be the best playing skill (make that living skill), I can have. Perhaps I don’t need to know anything else.

 

The Calculus of Love -- A Formula for Enduring Legacies

“It was the day my father died…in the small hospital room.  I was supporting him in my arms, when…my father slumped back…I lowered his head gently onto the pillow.  I…told my mother…: “It’s all over, Mom.  Dad is dead.’…My mother said:’Oh, he was so proud of you. He loved you so much.’…these words…were like a sudden shaft of light, like a startling thought I had never before absorbed.  Yet there was a definite edge of pain, as though I were going to know my father better in death than I had ever known him in life.”  Later, while a doctor was verifying death, I was leaning against the wall in the far corner of the room, crying softly.  A nurse came over to me and put a comforting arm around me.  I couldn’t talk through my tears.  I wanted to tell her: “’I’m not crying because my father is dead.  I’m crying because my father never told me that he was proud of me…never told me that he loved me.  Of course, I was expected to know these things…but he never told me.’”  John Powell, as told inThe Secret of Staying in Love, p. 68

 

There are so many unknowns in the calculus of love…the factors of When, How, and Who are all part of the equation. 

Until love is expressed, whether in word or through action, its influence is unfelt and emotionally inert.  Only When love is communicated do we release its positive energy. 

Through the expression of love two people benefit immediately: the speaker or doer as well as the recipient of the word or deed.  In the sadness expressed by John Powell in the story above, we see how devastating it is when we treat love as an assumption rather than an expression.

How we express our love, appreciation, pride or any other positive emotion intended to uplift, matters not as much as the expression itself.  Surely there are myriad facets for the Hows in this Calculus of Love.  Each sparkles and shimmers with the positivity of emotion.  What tarnishes the expression of love, and turns the calculus negative, are insincerity, indifference, and domineering pride.

The Who is defined by the circle of our family and the circumference of deep friendship.  Each within that radius will benefit from the expression of our love.  And, if the expression can be preserved in writing, audio or video files that can be treasured electronically, so much the better.  For then those expressions will live on to prove that we heeded the admonition of Harriet Beecher Stowe that “the bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.” 

The day will come when, after harnessing [space], the winds, the tides, gravitation, we shall harness for God the energies of love. And, on that day, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire--Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

 

 

 

 

Father of the Year….or Father for Today?

 

“Any man can be a father.  But it takes someone special to be a Dad”—Anne Geddes

 

We need successful fathers today more than we have ever needed them.

 

This week I had the privilege of attending a gala dinner to honor four men who had been selected as the Father of the Year by a large non-profit organization.  One of them was the father of an Olympian, another a professional athlete, another a man who had built a great construction company while raising 3 outstanding children, and another was a young man who clearly had balanced his life priorities to spend quality time with his four young children.  Each of these fathers was complimented by a wife and mother to whom they paid special tribute.

 

One of the children of each man was selected to give a short tribute to their fathers.  The Olympian didn’t talk about her father as someone who drove her, both literally and authoritatively, to become a world record holder at age 17.  Instead she talked about her father as “my best friend” and described the affection and emotional support she received from him.  She told of how she had learned to set goals and sacrifice because of the model her father was.

Watching videos describing how each man had exemplified the traits each of us would ascribe to a successful father, and then hearing the real-time emotion in the voices of the children and fathers, was most inspiring.  It left me to reflect on whether we need more Fathers of the Year or more Fathers for Today.

 

 

Today is Father’s Day.  And, each moment of each day presents each father with the gift of time...the gift of myriad opportunities to be a positive and sustaining influence in the life of his child or children.

 

Not all men have the privilege of being fathers.  And, not all fathers exercise the privilege of fatherhood.  But as David Blankenhorn, in his book entitled Fatherless America warns, “Fatherlessness” is “the most harmful demographic trend of this generation” and the leading cause of damage to children….It is the engine driving our most urgent social problems, from crime to adolescent pregnancy to child sexual abuse to domestic violence…”

May all fathers on this Father’s Day reflect on how they can be the most effective Father forToday.  And may those men who have not had the privilege of having children, reflect on how you might extend a positive fatherly influence into the lives of those children who are cursed with “Fatherlessness”. 

"Not every successful man is a Dad.  But every great Dad is a successful man"—John A. Warnick

 

 

Growth Boards Are Parenting "Totem Poles"

 

“The potential possibilities of our child are the most intriguing we will ever witness in all of creation.  The awakening of those potentialities is our most important responsibility as a parent”—John “John A” Warnick

 

As a child I was fascinated by totem poles.  Some were scary; others inviting.  But each was colorful and unique.

Our children and grandchildren are as unique as a totem pole.  As the poet Wordsworth wrote in his Ode “Intimations of Immortality” each child comes “trailing clouds of glory”.  Each child/adult’s “exterior semblance doth belie” the “soul’s immensity.”  Within the immensity of the human soul lie wondrous gifts and talents, waiting to be uncovered and developed with a lifetime of patience and persistence.

Our biggest opportunity as parents and grandparents is to believe in the divine worth of our children and grandchildren.  And the awakening of the potentialities within our child is our biggest responsibility.  We start by helping our child/grandchild understand “God doesn’t make junk”.  We also need to nurture their confidence and resilience.  The Growth Board can be a key tool to assist us in these tasks.  But before I share the exciting possibilities of a Growth Board, let’s explore the meaning of the totem pole.

The art forms, faces, figures and stories represented on totem poles were part of the tribal legacy.  Often the accomplishments of an individual and the rights acquired during his lifetime were chronicled on the totem pole.

You may have fond memories of your mother or father placing a pencil mark on the wall in your kitchen or bedroom.  On each birthday I had to stop wiggling long enough for my mom to be able to draw a line, note the height and date.  And, then my parents would point with pride to the fact I had grown a couple of inches.

That height chart was preserved when the kitchen was repainted. But then I left home and eventually my parents sold the home and the record of my physical growth was lost.  What if there was a way to chronicle not just the physical growth of a child, but to create a lasting reminder of your child’s greatest accomplishments?  That is what I call the Growth Board. 

This idea was sparked by a practice I learned about from a very accomplished man, who along with his wife, found a way to profoundly encourage their children.  He chose a finely grained piece of wood, soft enough to carve.  On the “board” as he called it, he would place a knotch, with the date and his child’s height, to mark a special event or achievement in their life journey.  But that wasn’t the only thing they did with the “board”.  They would carefully choose words of inspiration.  Perhaps a quote, a scripture, or even something remarkable the child uttered.  For one son who was so timid he wouldn’t even walk into a store and talk to a teller or clerk, he carved the words “Bold as a Lion” along with the image of a large lion roaring.  In time his son found the courage to overcome his timidity.

With another son he climbed a high mountain but fatigue overcame his son and they never attained the peak.  Instead of allowing disappointment to mar that memory, the father saw a way to chronicle their time together.  He carved an image of an Eagle on the board and found a quote that talked of “Soaring Like an Eagle”. 

Imagine what the Growth Board tradition might mean in a family.  In a family room or den there are several generations of Growth Boards displayed, a visible reminder to the rising generations of the family of the family’s tradition of seeking to develop the gifts we have been blessed with and overcoming our weaknesses and the adversity which inevitably is part of our life journey.

A Growth Board doesn’t have to be limited to fathers and sons. Mothers and daughters should be a part of the Growth Board tradition.  Nor need it be limited to parents.  Even grandfathers and grandmothers can start today to create this Family Totem Pole.  May yours be colorful, meaningful and created with love and your abiding faith in the goodness and unique gifts your children and grandchildren have been blessed with.

 

“When you put faith, hope and love together, you can raise positive kids in a negative world”—Zig Ziglar

 

 

 

 

The Five Second Hugging Practice

"A hug delights and warms and charms,
that must be why God gave us arms."~Author Unknown

In the last couple of months, I've been reflecting on the power of a hug to convey love and friendship, warmth and encouragement, comfort and empathy.  I've looked at both sides of hugs...as a greeting and as a farewell...as well as the wonderful warmth of affirming and empowering hugs.

 In a recent visit with three of my young grandsons in Pennsylvania I was inspired to try an experiment.  What is the optimal duration of a grandfather/grandson hug?  My very small sampling suggests three to five to seconds is ideal for hugs with squirmy young grandsons.  With that research in hand, I dug a little deeper looking for serious scientific inquiries into the question of what the ideal duration of a hug might be.  

To my amazement I found a study by British psychologist Emese Nagy of the duration and nature of hugs among the athletes at the 2008 Summer Olympics.  The average duration of these spontaneous hugs (including touching before and after the embrace) was 4.81 seconds.

But perhaps much more important than the duration of a hug, particularly when it comes to hugs for our children and grandchildren, is the frequencies with which we give hugs.

Virginia Satir, a respected family therapist, has said "(w)e need four hugs a day for survival.  We need eight hugs for maintenance.  We need twelves hugs a day for growth." And, research in a Korea orphanage demonstrated a significant boost in the health and growth of infant orphans who received an extra 15 minutes a day of physical touching.

There is a magic in hugging.  This simple form of affection boosts a young child's mental and physical development.  Hugging aids in the development of life skills.

Sadly, research shows that female infants receive almost five times as much hugging and touching as males.  And the Univ. of Pittsburgh reports that when it comes to soothing, holding or playing, American children receive significantly less contact than those of other cultures.  As our children grow older we tend to forget the importance of hugging.  Yet, it may be as vital for teenagers to be hugged and affirmed as it is for young children.

So let's commit ourselves today to a practice of hugging.  And, here's just some of the myriad daily opportunities for you and your child or grandchild to experience the Fusion of Hugging:

• Say good morning with a hug
• Say good night with a hug and a kiss
• Hug your child when they come home from school or when you get home from work
• Hug your child when you pick them up from day-care or the babysitter's
• Say thank-you with a hug
• Hug them to appreciate when they've done their chores
• Hug your child after a performance or game
• Hug them on your (their) way out the door in the morning
• Hug them and whisper "I Love You" as a Random Moment of Affection
• Hug them before they leave on a date and on their return
• Hug them when they have had a bad day or run into adversity
• Hug them when they recount a special accomplishment or moment in their life

"The best gift you can give is a hug.  One size fits all and no one minds if you return it."
~Author Unknown

 

The Power of Example

“Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it's the only thing”—Albert Schweitzer

Every day, consciously but much more often unconsciously, each of us is transmitting certain behaviors, feelings and lifestyles to others.  It is your choice and mine whether that influence will be a positive and lasting influence.  To move from the positive but fleeting influence to the memorable and lasting influence requires both intention and action.  It is what I call capturing the Power of Example.  

The brightest influence of your personal legacy will be the illuminating power of example and selfless sacrifice.  The following story, offered by Elaine Dalton as a tribute to her father’s influence on her as a child, is an example of how we can create both a positive and lasting influence:

An elderly widow lived next door to Elaine’s family.  Her home was badly in need of paint and exterior maintenance but she didn’t have the money to pay for it.  Instead of offering to pay for the painting of the widow’s home, Elaine’s father took a week of vacation time from his job and marshaled his family to assist in the painting project.  

At the time Elaine thought that was the greatest family vacation she had ever experienced because her father taught her how to paint.  But this selfless act of service had a much more positive and sustaining influence then simply brightening the widow’s home.  It created a bright example which burns brightly today in Elaine’s consciousness and inspires her to find ways to serve others.  This is how she described her father’s influence:

“My father was my hero. I used to wait on the steps of our home for him to arrive each night. He would pick me up and twirl me around and let me put my feet on top of his big shoes, and then he would dance me into the house. I loved the challenge of trying to follow his every footstep. I still do.” 

The wonderful truth about parenting and grandparenting is that we each can be a hero for those who will follow in our footsteps.

What is the one thing in your personal life you would most like to be remembered for?  How can you create an opportunity to indelibly imprint this example upon the minds of your young children or grandchildren?  When will you start and what will be the first step towards creating this legacy moment or project? Who will help you with this project and hold you accountable to complete the task?  

“The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example.”—Benjamin Disraeli

Grandfathers and Grandchildren

Connecting at a Certain Stage of Life

“Nobody can do for children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of grandchildren”—paraphrasing a quote from Alex Haley, author of Roots

 

From the Florida Keys to Seattle, Washington, I have heard the same thing:  There is tremendous value in building connections with your grandchildren, or if you don’t have children of your own, then with your nieces/nephews or even great  nieces/nephews.  Interestingly, in both the interviews I conducted in the Florida Keys and in a briefer conversation in Seattle, I discovered two very interesting patterns for creating connection with grandchildren or nieces/nephews that both involve starting at age 13.

There isn’t magic around age 13.  It could be any age.  But as I listened to the reasons why these couples had chosen to start their connection practices at age 13 it was clear that is a very good time, for a variety of reasons, to put your connection plan into action.

Let me share an interesting example from one family I deeply admire.  I was privileged to interview several of the grandchildren in this family who are in college, graduate school or the world of commerce.  The common theme I ran into each of these interviews was the incredible love and admiration each grandchild voiced for their grandparents.  I probed to discover what it was this particular set of grandparents had done to create this generative influence.  What I learned was that starting with their first grandchild, they had established a tradition of allowing each grandchild to select a destination to visit the summer after he/she attains age thirteen.

One grandchild I interviewed had chosen a cruise around Italy.  When I asked what this experience had meant to him, he quickly responded: “I learned how important I was to my grandparents, how much they loved me, and how much fun it was to spend time with them.”  The key to this, of course, isn’t just the gift of a travel experience.  It was the fact the grandparents intentionally wanted the experience to include lots of time to listen to their grandchild and to share stories, experiences, and wisdom with him in appropriate dosages--the dosage their grandchild could tolerate and appreciate. 

When I later spoke to the grandparents I was surprised to learn they didn’t know how strong the positive memories were each adult grandchild had of their trip with Grandpa and Grandma.  We ran an assessment tool with this family that was created by my Collaborator and friend, Dean Fowler.  That tool measures 12 critical areas for families as they seek to transition their wealth to future generations of the family.  It wasn’t surprising to me when the assessment showed that this family’s relationship strengths placed them in the top 1% of families.  While the grandparents might not have been aware of how much benefit their practice of the trip with their 13 year old grandchildren was creating, it was part of the incredible culture they had built within their family.

Grandparents may never live long enough to see how their consistent efforts to build relationships with their grandchildren will have a sustaining and powerful influence on their descendants.  But they should know that no effort to invest in their family’s relational wealth through consistent expressions of love and meaningful interactions with their grandchildren will ever produce a negative rate of return.

"What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies."—Rudolph Guiliani

 

 

Fathers and Sons

Connecting at All Ages and Stages of Life

"Talk does not cook rice." – Chinese proverb

I love the directness of the Chinese proverb quoted above.  I do not want to be found guilty of just talking about the importance of connecting with my children and grandchildren.  I am going to be much more intentional about creating opportunities for connection.  If you are a father or grandfather I encourage you to take the steps necessary to create much more powerful and frequent connections with your posterity and want to share with you inspiration I have drawn from others who have earned “Masters Degrees” in connection.

There are two common denominators I have found among the fathers and grandfathers I have interviewed who have initiated a practice of meaningfully connecting with their child(ren).  First, each describes a degree of satisfaction from their connection efforts which I would describe as the “joy of fatherhood.”  Some of these fathers began their efforts to build connections when their children were young.  Others have come to the intention of deliberately connecting when their children or grandchildren have entered adulthood.  But the second common denominator among those who have earned Masters Degrees in connection with their children is the fact that they have made consistent efforts to connect and stay connected and they don’t let other demands interfere with their commitment to connection. 

What I have also discovered in these interviews is that there isn’t just one way to connect with your child or grandchild.  The pattern of connection can be simple or exotic.  But it always seems to be associated with spoken,   written or other tangible expressions of love. 

Here is an example from a father who began the practice of connecting for a special trip with his children shortly after they became teenagers.  I’ve taken the liberty of calling this first father I want to spotlight Tom.

Tom lost his father at a relatively early age.  When he became a father he determined he would give his children what he had not known as a teenager and that was a powerful connection with their Dad.  And, Tom determined he would find a way to continue to stay connected with his children throughout their adult lives.  Tom’s appreciation for just how precious these moments can be has been heightened by a medical crisis in his own life.  When you realize that this year’s trip might be the last opportunity for you to jointly create memories—for both you and your children—it makes the ritual of annually connecting with your child even more important.

Tom has three sons.  When his oldest son was about to make that transition from elementary school to middle school Tom asked him what one thing he would most enjoy doing if he could spend three days doing anything he wanted to do.  The answer was instantaneous: skiing.  So together they chose a place where his son would love to ski.  When Tom told me this story, he had just returned from what I believe was the 15th annual father/son ski trip with his oldest son.

What did Tom’s middle son choose to do for his father/son trip when he was old enough to begin this annual tradition with his dad.  He was an avid skier/snowboarder as well and that is what he wanted to do.  I asked Tom if he took both of his sons on an annual trip after that.  “No,” he replied.  He understood that while there is joy in being with both of his sons, when he had the two them together the energy and excitement they were experiencing as siblings on a shared adventure would make it difficult for him to connect meaningfully with either son. The purpose of the annual tradition he established is to create powerful one-on-one conversations with each son and not just provide them with a fun trip.

Tom and his wife were blessed with a third child, another son.  This son, however, had some physical challenges from birth that would make it difficult for him to ever ski.  Tom observed his third child was fascinated by baseball.

On the particular trip when I shared the seats in row 9 with Tom, the baseball season was just getting underway.  He excitedly told me about an upcoming trip to Pittsburgh where he and his youngest son would get to watch the Rockies play the Pirates.  They have now been to about 15 major league parks.  Some years in their three day trips they are able to catch more than one baseball stadium such as when they plan a trip to Chicago, New York, Los Angeles or San Francisco.  Their hope is to eventually scratch every major league baseball stadium off their father and son bucket list.

My new friend in seat 9B illustrated through his story how we can connect with our children at any age and throughout the stages of life.  When they have scratched off every baseball park, or if the Dad’s health should deteriorate and he can no longer take those ski trips with his older sons, there will be opportunities to find new ways to enjoy each other’s company and to continue to invest time and energy building relationships.  Perhaps they will create a bucket list, like Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman did in the movie that made that term memorable, and instead of annually visiting baseball parks or ski areas they will be scratching off places or events they both want to see and experience.

Do you and your children have a Father/Son or Father/Daughter bucket list?  What meaningful tradition can you establish with each of your children which will allow you to annually celebrate time together and renew the bond of parent and child?

I would like to close with a quote from baseball great Harmon Killebrew, who gallantly fought and then graciously tipped his hat to cancer recently:

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass"; "We're not raising grass," Dad would reply. "We're raising boys";”—Harmon Killebrew

The Little Blind Girl and Her Father - What Did She See and Why?

“When a father gives his daughter an emotional visa to strike out on her own, he is always with her. Such a daughter has her encouraging, understanding daddy in her head, cheering her on—not simply as a woman but as a whole, unique human being with unlimited possibilities.” -Victoria Secunda 

I read a story a few years ago that powerfully touched my heart.  I would like to share it with you in hopes you will see the lesson it can teach us about the importance of fathers who care and who build trust and relationship with their children from birth until death:

A beautiful little blind girl was sitting on the lap of her father in a crowded compartment in a train. A friend seated nearby said to the father, "Let me give you a little rest," and he reached over and took the little girl on his lap.

A few moments later the father said to her, "Do you know who is holding you?"

"No," she replied, "but you do."

The little girl knew she was safe because she knew her father knew who was holding her.

Some may say, "What perfect trust this child had in her father." Others might say, "The little girl is an incredible example of blind faith."

Was it remarkable or just the natural result of years of consistent “positive parenting”?

I think perhaps the most important question which each father who reads this story should ask is, “What am I doing to create such a positive balance in my relationship account with my child that she/he would have similar trust, faith and love?”

Many of us...have come to believe that asking one’s self the question , “Am I a good father?” represents one of the most widespread and important acts of ethical self-reflection among men—Alan C. Hawkins, Ph.D. and David C. Dollahite, Ph.D.

A Message from Hanoi

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone—Harriet Beecher Stowe

 

On August 2,1967 then Captain Jay Hess flew the number four position in a flight of four F-105 Thunderchief fighter-bombers assigned to destroy the heavily defended Thai Nygen Power Plant in North Viet Nam.  Captain Hess quickly identified the target in limited visibility and then with total disregard for his own safety delivered his plane’s ordinance contributing immeasurably to the destruction of that target.  Unfortunately, Captain Hess’ aircraft had taken a direct hit from the intense anti-aircraft defenses and he would never make it back to his home base that day.  Instead his F-105 crashed and he was captured, tortured repeatedly, and placed in solitary confinement for two months in that prisoner of war camp known as the Hanoi Hilton. 

Ask Lt. Colonel Jay Hess today how long he was held in captivity and he answers without hesitation: "2,029 days — over five years." While he would return home in 1973 to receive a Silver Star for his gallantry, perhaps the greatest legacy surrounding Lt. Colonel Hess’ POW ordeal is the story I want to call “A Message from Hanoi.”

For more than two years Jay Hess’ wife and family didn’t know if he was alive or dead.  Finally, his North Vietnamese captors allowed him to write a note to his family.  But the note could only be sent if it contained 25 words or less.

What would you say in these circumstances, not knowing if you would ever be reunited with your spouse and family or if you would ever be able to send another note?  Wanting to provide something his family could recognize as having come from him and also wanting to give them valuable counsel, Lt. Colonel Hess wrote: “These things are important: temple, marriage, mission, college.  Press on, set goals, write history, take pictures twice a year.”

So, as we approach Father’s Day, I would like to ask every father and grandfather:   What are the empowering, inspiring words you can share from your values and your life wisdom?  Can you compress those thoughts into 25 words or less and send  “A Message From Hanoi” note to your loved  ones?

The Message From Hanoi Suggestion

What is it that really counts in terms of a life “well lived”? 

Think of single words or word pairs that describe the values or principles you feel you have tried to live your life by,  If you find that 25 words is just too difficult to compress into a meaningful note, splurge.  Lt. Col. Hess would have written more.  His captors just wouldn’t let him.

What could you say in just a handful of words that would help your child(ren) know how much you loved them and how proud they have made you?

Is there a special phrase or a term of endearment which you remember from your youth or parent(s) which captures the essence of the love you have for your child(ren) or of the hopes and dreams you have for the life they will live.