Seedlings

The Pillars of Purposeful Philanthropy

In March 2010 my friend Geoff Davis, co-founder and former CEO of Unitus, asked me how I thought Purposeful Planning would influence the world of philanthropy.  I reflected for several hours late that night and what emerged is what I've called the Five Pillars of Purposeful Philanthropy.  

Recently, I shared those pillars with some of my collaborators within the LinkedIn world.  What resulted was a flood of appreciation and powerful suggestions on expanding the universality and impact of the pillars. Over the last couple of days I've contemplated what I've learned from those who reached out to me, as well as from my client experiences over the last three years, and this has led to deepening the Pillars as well as shifting my vision of their purpose.

The pillars are not intended to replace but rather guide and support the processes, strategies, tactics, meetings and effort which an individual or family generates through their philanthropic journey.  The pillars are the "Being" which manifests itself in the "Doing: of giving and service.  Here are the Six Pillars of Purposeful Philanthropy.  Please let me know if you feel there is still something missing from this list.

 

VISION:  Until I know myself, the blinders of the past obscure the pathways to significance. To clearly see the needs of others as well our opportunities to make the world a better place, I must first know myself.  To know who I am, I must first ask who am I…..and then who am I not to be. 

 

ABUNDANCE AND GRATITUDE: We give and share with love so that gratitude can unlock the fullness of life.  We trust in the paradox of the law of abundance -- by sharing and giving our lives are made richer.  There are two keys to the treasure chest of generosity.  With one key we impart freely of both material resources and spiritual plenty.  With the other we gratefully accept all that comes back.

 

PURPOSE AND FOCUS:  Vision and purpose are keys to our philanthropic journey--a journey which takes us from mere givers of money to impactful and purposeful philanthropists.  We focus our strategies and leverage our efforts to make our philanthropic vision real and congruent with our family’s shared purpose(s).

 

COMPASSION: We enhance and empower our fellowmen through purposeful gifts.  We resist any impulse which would demean or create dependency.

 

LEGACY: As stewards of our family’s wealth, we gratefully acknowledge all we have received from the prior generations as well as the wealth we are “borrowing” from the future generations of our family.  We repay both debts through service and example. We trust this shared philanthropic journey will create compassion, resiliency and purposeful self-sufficiency in the next generations of our family. 

 

COMMITMENT AND PASSION: Our philanthropic passion for the causes we embrace creates the enthusiasm and devotion which will ultimately change lives and make the world a better place. We marvel at the interconnectedness of mankind and the interrelatedness of all cultures and communities. There can be no peace and joy for us until we see peace and joy for you too

 

 

Good people treat others as they would like to be treated.   Generous people treat others better than they would like to be treated   Wise people do not indulge in being either good or generous.  Instead, they treat people as they need to be treated – Sufi Proverb

 

The Calculus of Love -- A Formula for Enduring Legacies

“It was the day my father died…in the small hospital room.  I was supporting him in my arms, when…my father slumped back…I lowered his head gently onto the pillow.  I…told my mother…: “It’s all over, Mom.  Dad is dead.’…My mother said:’Oh, he was so proud of you. He loved you so much.’…these words…were like a sudden shaft of light, like a startling thought I had never before absorbed.  Yet there was a definite edge of pain, as though I were going to know my father better in death than I had ever known him in life.”  Later, while a doctor was verifying death, I was leaning against the wall in the far corner of the room, crying softly.  A nurse came over to me and put a comforting arm around me.  I couldn’t talk through my tears.  I wanted to tell her: “’I’m not crying because my father is dead.  I’m crying because my father never told me that he was proud of me…never told me that he loved me.  Of course, I was expected to know these things…but he never told me.’”  John Powell, as told inThe Secret of Staying in Love, p. 68

 

There are so many unknowns in the calculus of love…the factors of When, How, and Who are all part of the equation. 

Until love is expressed, whether in word or through action, its influence is unfelt and emotionally inert.  Only When love is communicated do we release its positive energy. 

Through the expression of love two people benefit immediately: the speaker or doer as well as the recipient of the word or deed.  In the sadness expressed by John Powell in the story above, we see how devastating it is when we treat love as an assumption rather than an expression.

How we express our love, appreciation, pride or any other positive emotion intended to uplift, matters not as much as the expression itself.  Surely there are myriad facets for the Hows in this Calculus of Love.  Each sparkles and shimmers with the positivity of emotion.  What tarnishes the expression of love, and turns the calculus negative, are insincerity, indifference, and domineering pride.

The Who is defined by the circle of our family and the circumference of deep friendship.  Each within that radius will benefit from the expression of our love.  And, if the expression can be preserved in writing, audio or video files that can be treasured electronically, so much the better.  For then those expressions will live on to prove that we heeded the admonition of Harriet Beecher Stowe that “the bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.” 

The day will come when, after harnessing [space], the winds, the tides, gravitation, we shall harness for God the energies of love. And, on that day, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire--Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

 

 

 

 

Avoiding the Sting of Words Left Unsaid and Deeds Left Undone

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone - Harriet Beecher Stowe

Almost everyone reading this has lost a parent, grandparent, spouse or child. We all know immediately what the sting of "words left unsaid" and "deeds left undone" is.  

I believe there are two great barriers, Misplaced Priorities and the Illusion of Difficulty, which get in our way when it comes to creating a Purposeful Legacy, Gift or Trust.

Misplaced Priorities

If we knew we only had seven days to live, wouldn’t we make time to have meaningful conversations with those we care about most deeply and to leave something behind that would be a lasting reminder of our love for them.

Unfortunately, the busyness and business of life gets in the way of our best intentions.  We assume there will be many tomorrows in which we can have these conversations.  The reality is we seldom know when the gift of time expires and we lose our opportunity to act on our best intentions.

We don’t have to be a prisoner of our past.  We each have the power to be the architect of our future.  We can start now to refocus our priorities and create small blocks of time for Purposeful Gifts.  And, from these foundations of Purposeful Gifts we can also create Purposeful Trusts and Legacies. 

Illusion of Difficulty

Another artificial barrier that blocks our commitment to create Purposeful Gifts and Trusts is the illusion of difficulty.  We don’t know how or where to start.  We assume that to be impactful a Purposeful Gift requires more than we have to offer.

The truth is that every time we create a Purposeful Gift it becomes easier to do it again.  And, every Purposeful Gift we make can be a powerful building block towards a Purposeful Legacy.

And while we overestimate the amount of time or the difficulty of creating a Purposeful Gift we ignore or greatly underestimate the positive impact our effort will have.  I have created two tools to help me and my clients overcome these barriers.  One is called Purposeful Visioning Exercises.  The other is what I refer to as Purposeful Conversations.  The Purposeful Visioning Exercises are self-guided, easy-to-use 30 to 45 minute exercises, which will help you create a Purposeful Gift you can deliver to your loved one today.  It can also warm up your estate planning documents if your planners and attorneys are familiar with Purposeful Trusts and Wills.  Purposeful Conversations work best with a guide or facilitator who will ask you the questions and record your answers.

But let me take us back to that Harriet Beecher Stowe quote.  How can we best overcome Misplaced Priorities and the Illusion of Difficulty so that we leave no words unsaid and no deeds undone?  I'd love to hear any thoughts you have.

The Most Powerful Sound in the Universe are words of love and encouragement - John "John A" Warnick

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The Things I've Left Unsaid

Egyptian Wisdom on the Gates of Heaven

“Never forget the importance of living with unbridled exhilaration. Never neglect to see the exquisite beauty in all living things. Today, and this very moment, is a gift. Stay focused on your purpose. The Universe will take care of everything else”—Robin Sharma, author of The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari

In the movie Bucket List Morgan Freeman plays a highly intellectual, intelligent mechanic who, as he says, "spent 45 years greased up under the hood of a car" so that his children would have the kind of life he'd always dreamt about for himself.

As was true for many men of his generation, he wanted to be sure that his children "would never want for anything and they didn't."  He sacrificed and worked and toiled for a lifetime, always putting his family's needs ahead of his own long-cherished dream to get a college degree and become a history professor. And his lifetime of self-sacrifice bore much fruit: His three children went to college and became successful professionals.

Jack Nicholson plays a character whose life was characterized by debauchery, lasciviousness and personal over-indulgence, always keeping an eye wide-open for his self-interest. If he had a legacy it would be his vast business empire. But his relational bank account was overdrawn.

In their shared hospital room Nicholson and Freeman forged a bond, and quickly became friends despite the fact the two men were complete opposites and would never have crossed paths, were it not for their terminal illnesses.

Despite his wife’s strong protest, in the last weeks of his life Freeman chooses to accept Nicholson’s generous invitation to jet around the world in Nicholson’s private plane scratching off places on their bucket lists.  I still struggle with Freeman’s choice to spend that time with Nicholson rather than with his wife and family.  But this is fiction and it was the screenwriters’ way of sharing with us the most profound wisdom the Bucket List has to offer. 

In their global odyssey exploring sites Freeman had always wanted to see, Freeman repays Nicholson’s generosity by teaching him that the love and life lessons we leave behind can be our most enduring and important legacy.

As they are overlooking the Egyptian pyramids, Freeman tells Nicholson that according to Egyptian lore, you're asked two questions at the gates of heaven:

1. Did you experience joy in your lifetime?
2. Did you bring joy to someone else in your lifetime?

How would our lives change if not just once but each time the sun sets we asked these two questions:

1. Did I experience joy today?
2. Did I bring joy to someone else today?

“Our days are numbered. One of the primary goals in our lives should be to prepare for our last day. The legacy we leave is not just in our possessions, but in the quality of our lives. What preparations should we be making now? The greatest waste in all of our earth, which cannot be recycled or reclaimed, is our waste of the time that God has given us each day.”—Billy Graham

Three Red Marbles

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”—Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Three Red Marbles story is one I first heard many years ago.  A friend recently shared another version of it with me.  I’ve taken the liberty of shortening it a tad but hope it still penetrates into your heart as deeply as it does mine.

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, ragged but clean, hungrily surveying a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the grocery store owner) and that small boy next to me.

"Hello Jimmy, how are you today?"
 
"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya."

"How's your Ma, Jimmy?"

"Doin’ better Sir.  Gittin' stronger alla' time."

"Good. Anything I can help you with?"

"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."

"Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr. Miller.

"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."

"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"

"All I got's my prize marble here."

"Is that right? Let me see it" said Miller.

"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."

"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?" the store owner asked.

"Not zackley but almost . . .";

"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble", Mr. Miller told the boy.

"Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."

I moved to the check-out counter where Mrs. Miller, who had noticed me absorbing the dialogue between Jimmy and her husband, proudly said, "There are two other boys like Jimmy in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Tom just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store."

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with Tom Miller’s compassion. A short time later I moved to Colorado but as the years passed I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Last summer I returned to that Idaho community for a family reunion and learned that Mr. Miller had died.  Several members of my family were going to the visitation.  So I went along to pay my respects to this fine man.  Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to greet Mrs. Miller and offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line I noticed three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts . . . all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, who was standing by her husband's casket.  Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved next to the open casket.

I noticed that one by one, each young man stopped, briefly placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket, then moved on to leave the mortuary, wiping his eyes.

As Mrs. Miller greeted my relatives and then me, I reminded her of that story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she led me to the casket.   "Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Tom "traded" them.  Now, at last, when Tom could not change his mind about color or size . . . they came to pay their debt."

"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Tom would consider himself the richest man in Idaho."   With loving gentleness she lifted his lifeless fingers. Resting underneath were three shiny red marbles.

 

"Our days are numbered. One of the primary goals in our lives should be to prepare for our last day. The legacy we leave is not just in our possessions, but in the quality of our lives. What preparations should we be making now? The greatest waste in all of our earth, which cannot be recycled or reclaimed, is our waste of the time that God has given us each day.”—Billy Graham

The Power of Example

“Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it's the only thing”—Albert Schweitzer

Every day, consciously but much more often unconsciously, each of us is transmitting certain behaviors, feelings and lifestyles to others.  It is your choice and mine whether that influence will be a positive and lasting influence.  To move from the positive but fleeting influence to the memorable and lasting influence requires both intention and action.  It is what I call capturing the Power of Example.  

The brightest influence of your personal legacy will be the illuminating power of example and selfless sacrifice.  The following story, offered by Elaine Dalton as a tribute to her father’s influence on her as a child, is an example of how we can create both a positive and lasting influence:

An elderly widow lived next door to Elaine’s family.  Her home was badly in need of paint and exterior maintenance but she didn’t have the money to pay for it.  Instead of offering to pay for the painting of the widow’s home, Elaine’s father took a week of vacation time from his job and marshaled his family to assist in the painting project.  

At the time Elaine thought that was the greatest family vacation she had ever experienced because her father taught her how to paint.  But this selfless act of service had a much more positive and sustaining influence then simply brightening the widow’s home.  It created a bright example which burns brightly today in Elaine’s consciousness and inspires her to find ways to serve others.  This is how she described her father’s influence:

“My father was my hero. I used to wait on the steps of our home for him to arrive each night. He would pick me up and twirl me around and let me put my feet on top of his big shoes, and then he would dance me into the house. I loved the challenge of trying to follow his every footstep. I still do.” 

The wonderful truth about parenting and grandparenting is that we each can be a hero for those who will follow in our footsteps.

What is the one thing in your personal life you would most like to be remembered for?  How can you create an opportunity to indelibly imprint this example upon the minds of your young children or grandchildren?  When will you start and what will be the first step towards creating this legacy moment or project? Who will help you with this project and hold you accountable to complete the task?  

“The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example.”—Benjamin Disraeli

A Message from Hanoi

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone—Harriet Beecher Stowe

 

On August 2,1967 then Captain Jay Hess flew the number four position in a flight of four F-105 Thunderchief fighter-bombers assigned to destroy the heavily defended Thai Nygen Power Plant in North Viet Nam.  Captain Hess quickly identified the target in limited visibility and then with total disregard for his own safety delivered his plane’s ordinance contributing immeasurably to the destruction of that target.  Unfortunately, Captain Hess’ aircraft had taken a direct hit from the intense anti-aircraft defenses and he would never make it back to his home base that day.  Instead his F-105 crashed and he was captured, tortured repeatedly, and placed in solitary confinement for two months in that prisoner of war camp known as the Hanoi Hilton. 

Ask Lt. Colonel Jay Hess today how long he was held in captivity and he answers without hesitation: "2,029 days — over five years." While he would return home in 1973 to receive a Silver Star for his gallantry, perhaps the greatest legacy surrounding Lt. Colonel Hess’ POW ordeal is the story I want to call “A Message from Hanoi.”

For more than two years Jay Hess’ wife and family didn’t know if he was alive or dead.  Finally, his North Vietnamese captors allowed him to write a note to his family.  But the note could only be sent if it contained 25 words or less.

What would you say in these circumstances, not knowing if you would ever be reunited with your spouse and family or if you would ever be able to send another note?  Wanting to provide something his family could recognize as having come from him and also wanting to give them valuable counsel, Lt. Colonel Hess wrote: “These things are important: temple, marriage, mission, college.  Press on, set goals, write history, take pictures twice a year.”

So, as we approach Father’s Day, I would like to ask every father and grandfather:   What are the empowering, inspiring words you can share from your values and your life wisdom?  Can you compress those thoughts into 25 words or less and send  “A Message From Hanoi” note to your loved  ones?

The Message From Hanoi Suggestion

What is it that really counts in terms of a life “well lived”? 

Think of single words or word pairs that describe the values or principles you feel you have tried to live your life by,  If you find that 25 words is just too difficult to compress into a meaningful note, splurge.  Lt. Col. Hess would have written more.  His captors just wouldn’t let him.

What could you say in just a handful of words that would help your child(ren) know how much you loved them and how proud they have made you?

Is there a special phrase or a term of endearment which you remember from your youth or parent(s) which captures the essence of the love you have for your child(ren) or of the hopes and dreams you have for the life they will live.

The Trip to the Circus

Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed.—Thomas S. Monson

Arthur Gordon in his book entitled A Touch of Wonder pays this tribute to his father:

“When I was around thirteen and my brother ten, Father had promised to take us to the circus. But at lunchtime there was a phone call; some urgent business required his attention downtown. We braced ourselves for disappointment. Then we heard him say [into the phone], ‘No, I won’t be down. It’ll have to wait.’

“When he came back to the table, Mother smiled. ‘The circus keeps coming back, you know,’ [she said.]

“‘I know,’ said Father. ‘But childhood doesn’t.’—Arthur Gordon, A Touch of Wonder (1974), 77–78

Stephen Covey tells a similar story from his own life about a special trip he made with one of his children and a lucrative business opportunity came up just before he was to take his child to the event they had come for.  Should he do as his client suggested and come for just a few hours to consummate the deal?  Or should he honor the commitment he had made to his child.  It is moments like this that define not only our true character as a father but forever etch in the hearts and minds of our children just how much they matter to us.

Take Time To Plan a Special Event or Trip With Your Child or Grandchild

As we approach Father’s Day, why not take advantage of the opportunity to plan a special event or trip with your child or grandchild.  You don’t have to go far away.  Perhaps, it would be that new “Putt-Putt Golf” course.  Or if you have a friend who is a fireman see if you can tour the local firestation.  If your child or grandchild is fascinated by planes or trains, you could plan a trip on their favorite mode of transportation.  The possibilities are endless.  The memories you make will be priceless.

A Legacy is a Lot Like a Sundial

What Are Your Plans for Constructing Your Family’s Legacy Place?

“Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago.”—Warren Buffett

A legacy is a lot like a sundial...when touched by the rays of wisdom and purpose it steadily directs us towards a life of significance.  Despite the incessant march of time it operates timelessly, powered by the constancy of love and generativity.  Each who studies it benefits according to the attention they give it, without regard to the level of wealth or influence they have attained.  Its brightest influence is marked by the illuminating power of example and selfless sacrifice.  It is absolutely useless when dark clouds of disinterest and disrespect overshadow it.  It was erected with the faith its influence will be positive and the hope it will be preserved for the benefit of the yet unborn.

In the last two posts we discussed how a cemetery helped preserve one family’s stories.  A grandmother made a habit of taking her young grandson, Joe, to help weed around the burial plots and headstones in this Georgia cemetery. While Joe was weeding she was forever etching in his mind the stories which reflected defining moments in the lives of each deceased ancestor. 

I have suggested each of us has an opportunity to help build a Legacy Place which will preserve life wisdom and memorable experiences as did Joe’s family cemetery in Georgia for his family.  Finding and preserving our ancestors’ stories not only will enrich us but it makes the Legacy Place we will leave behind more empowering to the rising generations of our families.

A Legacy Place doesn’t have to be a physical location like the family cemetery where members of the family can visit.  It could be virtual.  Or it could be an actual family museum as one family in Idaho built not too long ago.  The key is that you need to develop a plan for what you want your family’s Legacy Place to look like and how you want it to impact the next generations of your family.

Do you remember the need Joe felt to pick up the rusty tool when he discovered crabgrass was threatening to take over the family cemetery?  I believe there isn’t just one tool for us to pick up in our quest to build our family’s Legacy Place. And for one family it might need to be a pick axe, while for other families it might be a rake, hoe, or shovel.

Here are several simple but effective steps you can take towards building your Legacy Place if you still have older generation family members alive, even if they aren’t your direct ancestors: 

1. Conduct an oral history interview with a family member (preferably a grandparent, parent, aunt, or uncle to capture their story, and then learn as much about the family's stories of their ancestors as you possibly can).  Use a digital recorder, and possibly a video camera if it won’t inhibit the interview process.  You may find that initially the stories you hear are no different than those you have heard at every Thanksgiving dinner.  To get deeper I would suggest a generous helping of patience and the purchase of a book that will provide you with igniting questions.  There are many great books but I have particularly enjoyed two.   Linda Spence’s Legacy and Susan Turnbull’s Step by Step Guide for Creating Your Ethical Will are both excellent resources I would strongly suggest for help in framing interview questions.
2.  Hold a family reunion.  Invite your living ancestors, and their siblings, if possible, to participate in a “Name That Photo” session.  Gather as many photographs in advance of the reunion but the older the better.  If you can convert these photos to digital images which you can project on a large screen.  You can also easily share those images with all the people attending the reunion who are going to want to add these images to the Legacy photograph collection.   In the Name That Photo portion of your family reunion you share the picture which the featured ancestor panelists at the same time as you project its image on the large screen.  These pictures will trigger a flood of memories and  you will record the ancestors sharing stories about the event or individuals captured in the photos.  There are all sorts of variations on this idea which will flow from the unique circumstances of your family’s Name That Photo activity.
3. If distance makes gathering the family physically difficult, consider holding a Family Legacy Skype call.  Find a time when as many members of your family, including adolescents and children, can participate.  Prepare a timeline and coach your ancestor/parent in advance of the Skype session.  The timeline might start at age 6 or 7 and have a big dot or marker every 6 to 7 years thereafter (e.g. ages 7,14,21,28,35,42,49,56,63,70,77,84 etc.).  In advance you ask the ancestor/parent who is going to be the star of the Skype session to think of a significant event in their life, or their family’s life, which occurred around each of those points on the timeline.  You might edit the timeline to put a title to the significant event or events they recall occurring around that point in their life.  Then as the Skype session proceeds you prompt your ancestor/parent as needed and they move through the timeline sharing their memories.
4. Organize a “Trip Down Memories’ Lane”.  One family I know rented a bus and piled more than 30 members of the family into the bus with the eldest living generation family members using a microphone to narrate their memories as the bus drove from one site to another in their hometown.  Another family I know that organized a similar event ordered colored T-shirts honoring the gathering  and each branch of the family wore their particular color so first and second cousins who had never or seldom seen each other, or their respective spouses or significant other, could know who belonged to whom.  In addition to these bus tours these extended family gatherings usually schedule significant time for more intimate conversations and for meals featuring favorite family recipes.  These Trips Down Memories’ Lane often  result in the organization  of family social connectivity through blogs, Facebook sites, or other social media sites.  The memories and connectivity created through a Trip Down Memories’ Lane help enrich a family’s relational wealth.  But don’t let the event become the end of your effort to capture and preserve your family’s legacy.  It should be just one more positive step towards unifying all members of the family in the quest to build greater awareness of our heritage, shared values, and opportunities to support and encourage each member of the family in their journey towards significance and a life of abundance.

Do you have a suggestion on other ways in which we can preserve our family’s legacy and in the process build a Legacy Place that future generations of our family will benefit from?  If so, I would love to have you share those ideas with us.

“We found that when you ask people to talk about inheritance, everyone clams up, ... Inheritance is about money, and it's seen as greedy. But ask them to talk about legacy ... it's as if we hit some kind of magic button, and people open up about leaving behind family values and traditions -- and money was just a piece of that.”—Ken Dychtwald

 



The Forgotten Infant: Another Lesson from a Family Cemetery

“In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future…my fondest hope is that Roots may start black, white, brown, red, and yellow people digging back for their own roots.”—Alex Haley, author of Roots

My friend Joe Paul told me another story about his family’s cemetery.  On one trip to the family cemetery in Georgia he noticed crabgrass infesting one corner of the cemetery.  A rusty tool lay nearby so Joe picked it up and began to use it to clear the crabgrass and other weeds.  After a few minutes of work Joe hit something hard just beneath the surface.  He raked the dirt away to discover a small buried headstone lying face down.  He turned it over and cleaned it enough to discover it was the marker for an infant who had been buried next to his parents.  Somehow over time the headstone had fallen unnoticed and had been covered with dirt and crabgrass.

The story of the lost headstone and Joe’s efforts to restore it to its proper place next to the deceased infant’s parents’ headstones ignited my thinking.  The infant in Joe’s family cemetery didn’t have any descendants who would have come to the cemetery looking for his/her grave.  If it hadn’t been for Joe’s commitment to honor not just his ancestors, but his family in a broader sense, it is quite possible that overlooked marker would still be buried.

I believe the recovery of that infant’s forgotten tombstone is a metaphor for the opportunity we have to assist in gathering and preserving the life stories of our deceased ancestors who can’t and didn’t do that work for themselves.  And, if we take a broader view of family (as perhaps Jay Hughes suggests through his family of affinity concept) we don’t have to limit our efforts to just those from whom we descend through a lineal bloodline.

None of us or our family members should be forgotten.  The tombstones of their stories and life experiences should not lay buried under the humus of disinterest or disrespect.

I believe each of us may have a forgotten family member we could learn a great deal from.  In just the span of four generations, each of us has 30 ancestors.  That means there are thirty different opportunities for each of us to connect with the roots of our heritage. 

Just as Alex Haley, the author of Roots, discovered the incredible power of connecting with the stories of his ancestors, that same opportunity awaits each of us.  Services such as Ancestry.com are making it easier and easier to discover the basic facts about each of our ancestors.  But the work of finding their stories grows more difficult the further back in time we go.  If you have a parent or grandparent alive today, you may be able to trace your legacy back three or four generations by tapping into their memories of the ancestors they knew.  But once our parent or grandparent passes away, the opportunity to capture the stories of your ancestor’s struggles and successes evaporates and is most likely lost.  Thus, it is vital we begin that task now so that those who will follow behind us in 100 years won’t be left with a buried tombstone which yields no stories, just dates.

I want to call this effort to discover and preserve our family heritage Building a Legacy Place.  In our next blog I will share some exciting ways in which you can begin to uncover the stories and wisdom of your family.  In the process you will be beautifying and building your Legacy Place.

“Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children”—Alex Haley, author of Roots