Seedlings

Seven Suggestions For Combating Feelings of Inadequacy -- Differentiating Between Dissatisfaction with Self and Self-Disdain

 

“Be careful not to mistake insecurity and inadequacy for humility! Humility has nothing to do with the insecure and inadequate! Just like arrogance has nothing to do with greatness!” –C. Joy Bell

 

Fears of inadequacy haunt each of us.  Sadly, we view our blunders and aborted attempts as evidence of our inadequacies.  Instead, we should embrace failure with gratitude.  Our mistakes are but opportunities to learn and grow.  

As I have struggled from time to time in my life journey with feelings of inadequacy, I have learned to appreciate the difference between what Neal A. Maxwell  described in his spiritual essay/book Notwithstanding My Weakness as “dissatisfaction with self and disdain for self.  We need the first and must shun the second.”  Here are seven of Neal Maxwell’s 14 suggestions for combating feelings of inadequacy:

 1.   We can contemplate how far we have already come in the climb along life’s journey; it is usually much farther than we acknowledge.

 2. We can accept help as well as gladly give it. We can see honest feedback as helpful tutelage.

 3. Before we assess our leadership efforts, we must take into consideration  that often our deliberate best is less effectual because of someone else’s worst.

 4.   We can write down, and act upon, more of those accumulating resolutions for self-improvement that we so often leave, unrecovered, at the edge of sleep.

 5.   As Neal Maxwell puts it, “We can admit that if we were to die today, we would be genuinely and deeply missed. Perhaps parliaments would not praise us, but no human circle is so small that it does not touch another, and another.”

 6.   We can make quiet but more honest inventories of our strengths, since, in this connection, most of us are dishonest bookkeepers and need confirming “outside auditors.” 

7.   We can recommit to moving forward.   Men finally climbed Mount Everest, not by standing at its base in consuming awe, but by shouldering their packs and by placing one foot in front of another. Feet are made to move forward—not backward!

When we adjust our mental framework around failure and inadequacy, we are putting ourselves on the pathway to significance. Nelson Mandela, in his inauguration speech, drew from these words of Marianne Williamson to encourage us to conquer our fears of inadequacy and insecurity:  “We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Here’s hoping you will share these seven suggestions from Neal Maxwell with others and that your presence in the world will be such that you liberate others from the shackles of inadequacy and insecurity. 

”Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”—Marianne Williamson

 

 

 

Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset – Which Is Right For Your Child?

“Our mindset is not a minor personality quirk.  It creates our whole mental world.  It explains how we become optimistic or pessimistic.  It shapes our goals, our attitude toward work and relationships, and how we raise our kids, ultimately predicting whether or not we will fulfill our potential”—Dr. Carol Dweck, from her book Mindset

 While reading Mindset I have been impressed with applications of what Dr. Dweck calls the Fixed Mindset and  the Growth Mindset to our work as parents and grandparents.  The fundamental difference between the Fixed Mindset and the Growth Mindset lies in our attitude towards our natural abilities and intelligence.

Individuals with a Fixed Mindset believe that our abilities are carved in stone.

The growth mindset, on the other hand, is based on the belief that our basic qualities are cultivated through effort.  If you have a growth mindset you acknowledge that people differ dramatically in their initial talents, aptitudes, interests and temperaments, but you recognize that everyone of us can change and grow through application and experience.

As a society today we seem to value natural, effortless accomplishment over achievement through grit and sheer effort.  However, in Howard Gardner's book Extraordinary Minds he concludes that exceptional individuals have a "special talent for identifying their own strengths and weaknesses."

Alfred Binet, the Frenchman who is considered the father of the IQ test, remarked:  "A few modern philosophers...assert that an individual's intelligence is a fixed quantity, a quantity which cannot be increased.  We must protest and react against this brutal pessimism...With practice, training, and above all, method, we manage to increase our attention, our memory, our judgment and literally to become more intelligent than we were before."  And, Robert Sternberg, another guru of intelligence theory, asserts that the major factor in whether people achieve expertise "is not some fixed prior ability, but purposeful engagement."

A growth mindset isn't built on the premise that everyone, with just the proper doses of persistence and opportunity, can become an Einstein or Beethoven.  But rather, as Dr. Dweck points out, each individual's "true potential is unknown (and unknowable); that it's impossible to forsee what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil and training.”

What are the characteristics and behaviors which you would expect to see from a child who has embraced a Growth Mindset?

Why is it so important parents correct the influence of a Fixed Mindset before it becomes habitual thinking with our children?

“This life, therefore, is not righteousness but growth in righteousness; not health but healing; not being but becoming, not rest but exercise.  We are not yet what we shall be but we are growing towards it.  The process is not yet finished it is going on.  This is not the end, but it is the road.  All does not gleam in glory, but all is being purified”—Martin Luther King Jr.

The Path to Achievement: Lessons from the Life of James A. Michener

“Achievement without knowledge and hard work seems to me impossible” - James A. Michener 

James A. Michener is perhaps the second or third most popular author ever in the genre of historical fiction.  He was known for sweeping sagas, covering the lives of many generations, and set in diverse geographic locales.  Among the more than 40 best-selling books he authored are Centennial and Tales of the South Pacific (which would inspire the Broadway musical South Pacific). 

Michener recognized the value of work and education.  His prolific writing allowed him to acquire substantial wealth.  During his lifetime he gave approximately $8 million dollars to establish an art museum in the small town he had grown up in.  At his death, he left his entire estate (reported to be $10 million dollars) to his alma mater, Swarthmore University.

Perhaps the most profound piece Michener would ever write, in terms of life wisdom, was entitled “The Path to Achievement” and appeared in a condensed version in the January, 1977 edition of the Reader’s Digest.  I would like to share some excerpts from the experiential reflections James Michener shared about how he acquired the powerful work ethic and thirst for education which led to his ultimate success as an author.

Michener was adopted into a large family.  His widowed mother did “sweatshop sewing of the cruelest kind, yet saved enough to send six children through high school and two through college.”  At the age of 11, James worked six days a week during every summer and delivered newspapers seven days a week during the winter months, rising at four every morning.  At age 14 he was apprenticed to a plumber and worked ten hours a day during the summer months and four in the winter.  Reflecting back on the rough circumstances he grew up under, he noted: “Instead of turning me against work, this ingrained in me the attitude that sensible people work hard to attain sensible goals.”

James Michener then described what he considered the pivotal experience in developing an authentic work ethic.  His family fell temporarily apart and he was placed in the local poorhouse.  Here he bunked with a group of “memorable old men” on the top floor of the poorhouse dormitory.  As he listened to these derelicts describe the specific disasters which had overtaken them, Michener concluded most of them had failed because of their inability to work intelligently.  This experience generated a “positive reverence for work” and helped him see that work was the “principal means whereby people achieve what they want and avoid what they do not want.”

In 1977 Michener had detected a trend in which “many of our best young people are questioning the assumptions of the Puritan work ethic.”  He respected “the young person who has the courage to keep casting about until he or she finds work that is meaningful.  But in looking, one should also be learning.  The only way to attain the goals of which the youth speak is to acquire the necessary training.”

Michener’s story probably triggers lots of memories of what chores, tasks and jobs we tackled in our youth and what lessons we gained from these experiences.  Today’s economy and labor laws may make it more challenging to “give” our children job experience at an early age. 

What types of opportunities are you creating for your children to help them discover “The Path to Achievement”? 

Let us realize that the privilege to work is a gift, the power to work a blessing, and the love of work is success.” - David O. McKay

Is There a Greece in Your Child’s or Grandchild’s Future?

“When you have too much month for your paycheck, then what you need to do is realize that there is abundance all around you and focus on the abundance and not your lack and as night follows day abundance will come to you.”—Sidney Madwed

I was in a London airport lounge recently scanning the headlines of the Sunday newspapers .   I found one story after another detailing the struggles of the European community to find a solution to the fiscal and financial crisis in Greece.  These stories often asked if the economic contagion would spread not just to other members of the Eurozone but to the U.S. and other corners of the world. 

Shortly after my return to the U.S. I heard several presidential candidates warning that if the United States didn’t bring its deficit spending binge under control we would face a crisis similar to what is rocking Greece.  One morning my reflections led me to ponder how many families throughout the world are on a course which may lead them—no matter how vast our current financial resources—to a bankrupt future in terms of purpose, significance, and character development.

A few days after Christmas I had the opportunity to spend a half day with Lee Brower, author of The Brower Quadrant, a book I’d highly recommend.  Lee introduced me to a powerful concept he is developing called Empowered Sustainability.  I have been reflecting since that meeting on what a positive legacy we might leave our children and grandchildren if we could help them live every day of their adult lives through the paradigm of Empowered Sustainability.

I believe that what Lee Brower is seeking in the concept of Empowered Sustainability is an antidote to the shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations wealth cycle that James E. "Jay” Hughes, Jr. discovered in his professional odyssey.  What can we do to not just preserve a family’s financial wealth through future generations but allow the family to flourish both individually and collectively?

There is no question that societies in the developed nations have become increasingly materialistic over the last century.  The “more is better” mentality is a siren song which will shipwreck both individual and family happiness.  That mindset puts us on what some call the hedonistic treadmill.  It is an unsatisfying, in every meaningful way, race to acquire more; to have better toys, gadgets and lifestyles.

How can we make sure there isn’t a Greece in our child’s or grandchild’s future?

I think it starts with The Power of Example.  It is what we model in our own lives which will reflect the brightest in the future lives of our children and grandchildren.  It starts when we tune into our personal purpose and calling.  Then, we should make sure we help our posterity understand this wisdom from Wayne Dyer:

“Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life.”

And, we need to help them understand the math of less can be more.  Choosing purposefully how we spend our paychecks; living within our means rather than beyond; and making sure we are wise consumers are all part of this sustainability discipline.

There is a huge need in the U.S. today for financial education.  But no matter how much we know about investing, until we can exercise the self-control necessary to not mortgage our futures through excessive use of credit cards, home equity loans, and pay-day cash advances we will remain in economic serfdom. 

I believe the path to Empowered Sustainability starts with honest introspection.  It begins with understanding the difference between needs and wants and committing ourselves to be grateful for what we already have.  Gratitude is a key component of Empowered Sustainability. I love this wisdom on unleashing the generative influence of appreciation by focusing on what we already have:

Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend … when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us [happiness]—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth”-- Sarah Ban Breathnach, in John Cook, comp., The Book of Positive Quotations, 2nd ed. (2007), 342.

As we become aware of how we are spending our financial resources and where we are investing our time and energy, it opens up the opportunity to commit ourselves to a plan which will ultimately reduce stress, increase our opportunities to discover greater joy and fulfillment, and make the Power of Example a sustainable influence within our families.    

"Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed”—Mahatma Gandhi

Star Trek, Cadet James Kirk and the Kobayashi Maru Scenario

“Man’s mind stretched to a new idea never returns to its original dimensions” - Oliver Wendell Holmes

The Kobayashi Maru scenario was the most challenging of Starfleet Academy's training exercises.  You may recall how this test forced cadets into making what was considered a no-win decision — rescuing a disabled ship in enemy territory while risking their own ship and crew, or leaving the disabled ship, thus ensuring its crew's destruction and starting a war.

Young James Kirk was the only cadet who ever won the war game.  He did so through his out-of-the-box, positive thinking.  Kirk’s rejection of the possibility of the no-win scenario is a model for inoculating ourselves, and our children and grandchildren, against learned helplessness.

It is very easy for any of us to fall into thinking and feeling we are trapped by our current circumstances.   Unfortunately, it is much more difficult for us to shed the gravitational force of learned helplessness.

I recently read the autobiography of a man who was considered one of the finest constitutional scholars in the U.S.   I was startled to learn he struggled in elementary school.  The third and fourth grades were particularly difficult for him.  His fourth grade teacher would insist on grading tests out loud and then announced the results in front of the entire class.  If there were 20 questions, this fourth grader usually got 15 wrong and placed at the bottom of his class.  But then he fell under the influence of Miss Pearl Schaefer, a fifth grade teacher whose love, confidence and challenge helped this young boy discover the joy of learning.  The rest is history. He went on to become a superb law student, a law professor at the University of Chicago, president of a major university and much more. 

How can you and I become Pearl Schaefers?  Not just for fifth graders, but for anyone we come in contact with who is struggling with learned helplessness?

“If you're going to be passionate about something, be passionate about learning. If you're going to fight something, fight for those in need. If you're going to question something, question authority.  If you're going to lose something, lose your inhibitions.  If you're going to gain something, gain respect and confidence. And if you're going to hate something, hate the false idea that you are not capable of your dreams.” - Daniel Golston

The Power of Example

“Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it's the only thing”—Albert Schweitzer

Every day, consciously but much more often unconsciously, each of us is transmitting certain behaviors, feelings and lifestyles to others.  It is your choice and mine whether that influence will be a positive and lasting influence.  To move from the positive but fleeting influence to the memorable and lasting influence requires both intention and action.  It is what I call capturing the Power of Example.  

The brightest influence of your personal legacy will be the illuminating power of example and selfless sacrifice.  The following story, offered by Elaine Dalton as a tribute to her father’s influence on her as a child, is an example of how we can create both a positive and lasting influence:

An elderly widow lived next door to Elaine’s family.  Her home was badly in need of paint and exterior maintenance but she didn’t have the money to pay for it.  Instead of offering to pay for the painting of the widow’s home, Elaine’s father took a week of vacation time from his job and marshaled his family to assist in the painting project.  

At the time Elaine thought that was the greatest family vacation she had ever experienced because her father taught her how to paint.  But this selfless act of service had a much more positive and sustaining influence then simply brightening the widow’s home.  It created a bright example which burns brightly today in Elaine’s consciousness and inspires her to find ways to serve others.  This is how she described her father’s influence:

“My father was my hero. I used to wait on the steps of our home for him to arrive each night. He would pick me up and twirl me around and let me put my feet on top of his big shoes, and then he would dance me into the house. I loved the challenge of trying to follow his every footstep. I still do.” 

The wonderful truth about parenting and grandparenting is that we each can be a hero for those who will follow in our footsteps.

What is the one thing in your personal life you would most like to be remembered for?  How can you create an opportunity to indelibly imprint this example upon the minds of your young children or grandchildren?  When will you start and what will be the first step towards creating this legacy moment or project? Who will help you with this project and hold you accountable to complete the task?  

“The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example.”—Benjamin Disraeli

Guest Blog: Fearless Living and Being Yourself

By Timothy J. Belber, JD, Generational Wealth Planning and Design

Erin Doland writes a wonderful blog (and a great book!) about strategies to remove clutter from our lives. While much of the discussion is about physical clutter, the heart of her message is to be happier by reducing the amount of noise and stress we tend to accumulate. As I read the post below it made me think of my own grandmother who lived to be 83. She lived alone in her own home for over 40 years after my grandfather divorced her. She never learned to drive but took me on many adventures via bus, train and, on occasion, taxi. She had epilepsy but always viewed it just something to attend to rather than as a limiter. She limited her 'stuff' to only things she needed to enjoy life. For a young boy staying with her was a wonderful adventure (she let me sleep under her bed with her dogs). She knew what  she liked (dogs, oatmeal, bologna and rare steaks) and never felt the need to do anything that didn't bring happiness to her and her family. She was fearless in being herself and was sought after for thoughts and wisdom.
 
Who can you think of who lived simply and fearlessly?
 
Don’t Let Fear Clutter Up the Life of Your Dreams
by Erin Doland (www.unclutterer.com)
 
Yesterday, my grandmother turned 102. The two of us have been close my entire life, and it doesn’t surprise me that she’s still alive. She has always been a rule breaker (she has traveled the globe alone, went straight to business school after graduating high school, and established her career path before she got married at 30, which was rare for a woman in the Depression-era 1930s). She also is extremely witty, a voracious reader, and insists on wearing a strand of pearls and makeup every day. She ran a successful thousand acre family farm for more than 60 years and worked in the Kansas Legislature until they forced her to retire in her late 80s.

Whenever I see my grandmother or think about her, the word fearless pops into my mind. In all my life, I’ve never known her to be afraid of anything. She has strong resolve and even greater determination. I’m partially convinced the reason she is still alive is because she has successfully convinced Death that dying isn’t an option for her.

I’m writing about my grandmother today because I’ve realized that her fearless attitude has greatly improved the quality of her life. She has lived an incredible 102 years because she’s never been afraid to take advantage of each moment. She has also lived a life primarily free of clutter — even now all she has are her eyeglasses, clothes, shoes, some jewelry, a wheelchair, bedding, toiletry items, and hundreds of photographs of friends and family. When she still lived in her farmhouse, she didn’t own much, either. Her happiness hasn’t ever been found in things and it hasn’t been controlled by fear.

Is fear cluttering up your life and keeping you from experiencing the life of your dreams? Is physical cluttering keeping you from focusing on what matters most to you? Take a lesson from my amazing grandmother and get rid of the fear and clutter and commit to pursuing the life of your dreams.

A Joyful Life – A Mother’s Gift to Her Daughter

“To live joyfully you must be brave. True joy is not for the fainthearted. You must decide to be happy. Joy is an act of courage. Joy will not abide until you make a conscious decision to treasure it… Gratitude is the gateway to joy” - Elaine Marshall

Sometimes an encounter with another human being can be the spark that ignites a powerful and sustaining fire in us.  Parents too often don’t realize that their most powerful influence might come many years after their child has left the nest.

A story Elaine Marshall told in her 2004 address entitled In This Life I Shall Have Joy describes how a mother’s generative words would rekindle her daughter’s soul and lead to a life transforming attitude shift.  Elaine and her mother had volunteered to work at a niece’s wedding reception.  Elaine had been busy putting pink mints on glass plates while her mother and aunt were laboring in the kitchen.  When Elaine returned to the kitchen she overheard a conversation between her mother and her aunt.  She stopped out of their sight and eavesdropped on their conversation about her.  Here is Elaine’s description of how her mother’s words, spoken at a very difficult moment in Elaine’s life, would have a powerful impact on the way Elaine would live the rest of her life:

“The organdy lace wedding apron was barely holding my soul together. I was quietly just hanging on spiritually and emotionally. It was a time in my life of little joy. My mother and her sister were talking…together nearby. I heard my aunt ask my mother, “How is Elaine?” Mom responded, “I believe she has made a decision to be happy. She has a garden and flowers in her yard. She sews and writes, and she works hard. She keeps a clean house and plays beautiful music. Her children are doing well. I think she has decided to be brave and to be happy.”

I wept a few tears as I eavesdropped on my mother’s conversation. I was lonely, tired, and grief stricken. I didn’t know if I had made a conscious decision to be happy. But hearing my mother’s hopeful description of me, I wanted it to be true. So I did decide to be happy. I decided that night to find joy in every day. It has been difficult. But I was brave. I am not so brave every day, but I do try to remember that joy is a decision that requires courage.”

Have you made a conscious decision to be happy and to live a joy-Full life? 

Have you thought about a way in which you might record and share encouraging words which will lift and sustain another?  What if Elaine had not walked in at the moment her mother was speaking those words?  Could Elaine’s mother have written something similar in a note or letter and wouldn’t that have had as powerful an impact?

"In order to know joy, you have to be there. Joy requires presence. My friends know that if I were not too stingy to buy personalized vanity license plates for my car, I would choose my favorite word. The word is vivace. Vivace is an Italian word used in music. It sounds like music. It means life, lively, quickening. It sounds alive. It reminds me to wake up, to be acute and sensitive, alert, alive. It means vitality, la joie de vivre, vibrance, vigor. It reminds me to touch the palpable gift and reality of life" - Elaine Marshall

The King’s Speech – Part One

The Importance of Finding Your Voice

When the 2011 Academy Awards nominations were announced recently, "The King's Speech" dominated the nominations, earning 12 nods including best picture and best lead actor for Colin Firth as King George IV, who battles to eradicate his stammer when he suddenly takes the throne.  If you haven’t seen this movie, I highly
recommend it.  And for those who have already seen it, you might choose, as I did recently, to watch it a second time paying closer attention to the powerful lesson this movie offers on the importance of finding our voice.

What makes for an award winning film is great acting.  "The King's Speech" is full of great acting.  What makes for a timeless story, are the heroic characters whose struggles and successes are portrayed in the film.  If there were an academy award for “Most Compelling Story” or “Most Timeless Life Lessons”, "The King's Speech" would be certain to run away with all those awards.

Because the characters are central to understanding the significance of this story, I am going to refer to them by name and won’t divert your attention to the actors who marvelously bring their stories to life in "The King's Speech".

The eventual King George VI was born Albert Frederick Arthur George but was known to his family as “Bertie” and to the public as Prince Albert.  From his earliest childhood he was overshadowed by his older brother, Prince Edward.

In his first meeting with Lionel Logue, the man who will try to help him overcome a severe speech impediment, the Prince is asked: “When did you start to stammer?” Bertie responds, “I was about four or five when it started.”

As Logue explores the Prince’s childhood he learns Bertie was placed in leg irons to correct knock-knees.  Bertie was physically and emotionally tormented by a nanny who favored his older brother and would pinch and starve him.  Perhaps most significantly he was starved for affection and labeled “stupid.” Logue felt the Prince’s speech impediments could be traced directly to his father, King George V, who would angrily bark ‘Get it out!’ whenever his son stammered. 

There is a direct connection between Bertie’s speech impediment and the assessment of stupidity.  Prince Albert tells Logue that on one occasion in his childhood he failed to respond when asked ‘What’s half of a half?’ simply because of his inability to pronounce the word ‘quarter’. 

Bertie’s speech impediment was much worse than an inability to pronounce words.  He could swallow entire syllables without producing a sound—making it exasperatedly hard for his parents to understand him.  He might, for instance, start with the first syllable of one word and skip to the last syllable of the next word.  And there were a few words that were sure to trigger either speech paralysis or sudden and uncontrollable emotional outbursts.  The ‘k’ sound, as in ‘king’ or ‘queen’ always vexed Bertie, an inopportune problem for a prince who was expected to toast his father on formal occasions.

At one particularly decisive moment on the journey to finding his voice, Bertie and Logue are going through a dress rehearsal of his coronation ceremony.  They are inside Westminister Abbey.  Bertie is struggling with the fear he will embarrass himself, and his people, when he rises the next day to address his people as their new king.  He reveals that fear in these words:

“I’ll be like Mad King George the Stammer”

As he finishes this tirade of negativity, he turns to discover Lionel Logue slouching on St. Edward’s coronation throne.  Angered by Logue’s impertinence, he shouts:

"Get up! Y-you can't sit there! GET UP!"

Logue sits with legs crossed, his hands draped across his knees.  His expressionless countenance hid the plan he had conceived to help the new king discover his voice.  Logue replies cooly: 

"Why not? It's a chair."

The King's anger exploded in these stammer-filled words of frustration:

"T-that... that is Saint Edward's chair."

Lionel shrugged and pointed over his shoulder. "People have carved their names on it."

Bertie's face reddened with rage, spittle flew from his lips, and he stammered:

"L-listen to me... listen to me!"

Then Lionel Logue asked the question which would lead to the breakthrough moment in George VI’s life:

"Why should I waste my time listening to you?"

"Because I have a voice!" thundered George VI

Pausing to let the significance of those words sink in Lionel Logue smilingly affirms: "...yes, you do."  Then he acknowledges the struggle and the enormous potential this moment foreshadowed with these words:

 “You have such perseverance Bertie, you’re the bravest man I know.”

Logue was witnessing King George VI discover not only his voice but the significance of having a voice.   In the course of overcoming his personal weakness this nervous, stammering man would emerge as a courageous symbol of national resistance.   He personally demonstrated the resolve and persistence which would prove necessary to defeat the military might of Hitler’s Third Reich.  

King George VI ‘s struggle to find and express his voice is a metaphor for the journey any adult can take towards creating a purposeful plan and legacy.  Some of us stammer under the weight of sterile documents which transfer our worldly possessions.  Others stutter trying to express their emotional legacy and life wisdom.  King George VI discovered his voice with the assistance of a compassionate but wise professional.  Consider whether a “legacy coach” could help you capture and preserve your voice.  Your family will be forever grateful for your effort to find and preserve your voice.

“I have often thought the best way to define a man's character would be to seek out the particular mental or moral attitude in which, when it comes upon him, he felt himself most deeply and intensely active and alive. At such moments there is a voice inside which speaks and says: 'This is the real me!’.”—William James 

The Gift of Forgiveness: Part 2

An Incredible Example of Forgiveness in the Aftermath of Apartheid

"He who will not forgive others breaks down the bridge over which he himself must travel.”—Spencer W. Kimball 

Have you ever struggled to forgive not just a petty act or phrase but something that was truly an injustice?  Have you been trapped inside the prison of unforgiveness? 

Marianne Williamson, whose wisdom was quoted by Nelson Mandela in his inaugural address, counsels:  “Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.”  

During apartheid in South Africa a black woman had to endure the pain of having her son shot by white police officers, who then set his body on fire and celebrated around it.  A few years later, those same men tied her husband to a pile of wood, doused him with gasoline, and then set him on fire.

When the apartheid system crumbled, a commission was established to rectify the wrongs of the past and to try to bring about justice and reconciliation between blacks and whites.  One of the purposes of this Truth and Reconciliation Commission was to find an adequate punishment for the wrongs that had been perpetrated in the past. 

The men who had committed these atrocities on her son and husband were tried by the Commission and as they approached the sentencing phase the now elderly black woman was allowed to confront the leader of the group, a Mr. Van de Broek.  He and the other men had confessed their guilt and the Commission asked the woman what she thought an appropriate punishment might be. 

“I want three things,” she replied. “I want Mr. Van de Broek to take me to the place where they burned my husband’s body. I would like to gather up the dust and give him a decent burial."

“Second, Mr. Van de Broek took all my family away from me, and I still have a lot to give. Twice a month, I would like him to come to the ghetto and spend the day with me so I can be a mother to him."

“Third, I would like Mr. Van de Broek to know he is forgiven by God and that I forgive him, too. And, I would like someone to come and lead me by the hand to where Mr. Van de Broek is so that I can embrace him and he can know my forgiveness is real.” 

 

"To let go of the ones who hurt us is to let go of our identity as the one who was hurt, the one who was violated, the one who was broken. It often feels like the bad guys are getting off scot-free while we are left holding the bag of pain. But forgiveness is not just for them. . . . Forgiveness . . . allows us to be set free from the endless cycle of pain, anger, and recrimination that keeps us imprisoned in our own suffering."—Wayne Muller, from his book, the Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood